Lets say I did one of these for months. Likely nothing will change. Now what? Divorce has already been ruled out. At that point, I would have to return to the bedroom and lose respect in the process. Am I missing something here?
You cannot say something likely won't change unless you try it...I won't accept that answer, sorry. Seems to work for you though, because now you've let yourself off the hook for trying it.
I'm not going to give you a step by step list of things for you to do, you have to figure that out for yourself. At this point you have already lost respect, at least for yourself...because YOU are settling for something that you don't want. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?
It seems to me that you are afraid to actually do something that might get her attention....because you continually DO nothing. Once again I have given you suggestions and you've reasoned away why you can't try them.
Lets say I did one of these for months. Likely nothing will change. Now what? Divorce has already been ruled out. At that point, I would have to return to the bedroom and lose respect in the process. Am I missing something here?
Sounds to me, based on what you have said, that she already does not respect you. So you have nothing to lose.
If you think about it, GELs option 3 might make the most sense in your case. Just go stay in a hotel for a few nights saying you need some time alone to think about the marriage and the fact that she is not respecting you. Don't say anything about not wanting to sleep in a sexless bed or whatever. If your prediction is correct, you just come home and go right back to where you already were. However, I'll bet if you told her the name of the hotel where you were staying you will get a call from her. And that conversation could be very revealing. I could be wrong though.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
If your wife is like mine (and in some ways, she sounds like she is), then appearances are very important to her. We all draw the line in a different place, and while YOU may think that this is "no difference," my bet is that SHE will be upset by it, and it might jar her into some action or at least some meaningful conversation with you about the state of your marriage.
Like everyone else here has said: What HAVE you got to lose?
I wouldn't do the hotel thing -- just sleep on the couch. Leave your blanket and pillow there for all to see that "things are not 'right' in the CeMar household."
FWIW...I would choose the sleep on the couch thing too out of my three suggestions...for the same reason's you stated.
Chrome, I think the hotel/motel would work in many situations to get someone's attention, but it doesn't have much affect on appearances within the home. I kinda just threw it in there as it IS an option.
Heck! I'd even go with living in a tent in the front yard LOL, that's why I suggested that one too. That one has a big affect on home-life harmony appearances....but the couch would suffice. If the couch is uncomfortable for sleeping...then buy a cot, or an inflatable mattress...just DO something!
What I see many times in your posts, is a 'what's the use?' attitude. Now on the surface, that frustrates a good many of us. On another level, I understand it very well. You feel hopeless and trapped. Two very big symptoms of depression.
More than likely, even if these suggestions sound logical to you, you aren't going to be able to muster the energy of the gumption to try any of them.
If this is the case, I might suggest you take a trip to your doctor and see if there is anything he might recommend for you, or to see if you are, in fact, showing real signs of depression.
If you are sitting there reading this, and you are thinking there might be some truth to what I am saying, but you still cannot find the motivation to go see a doctor, I'd say I'm a little closer to being right than either one of us wants me to be.
There was a really great article recently in Time or Newsweek called "Men and Depression," and unfortunately, I cannot find it. But if you go to your library, you should be able to find it fairly easy, since it was the cover story. However, I did a quick web search and you might find this interesting: Depression in Men on WebMD
You may attribute your irritability to lack of sex, but it could very well be something else. If nothing else, please consider it.
Only until you can get beyond the 'what's the use' attitude, you really won't be able to do anything constructive. Not because you lack intelligence, but because you are dealing with an undermining factor.
From one who has BTDT, I can tell you, depression is not something to take lightly.
The question I would have, and this is a real question, not trying to imply anything, is how involved do you want the family to be? Going to a hotel for a few nights, you could leave the kids out of the discussion. Sleeping on the couch/tent/air mattress would immediately bring the situation in the light for the whole family. Is that something CeMar wants to do? Do you think it would be a good idea? I'm having a hard time seeing if this would be a positive or negative thing. Not involving the kids in husband/wife arguments is generally considered the way to go, but I'm sure CeMar's unhappiness must be already plain to his kids (if he talks at home the way he talks here).
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
There was a really great article recently in Time or Newsweek called "Men and Depression,"
That is a great article. My H brought it home for me a few weeks ago and said he saw A LOT of himself in what many of the men had talked about in their own lives. Depression in men is not necessarily severe sadness, but like you said, irritability, anger, impulsiveness, risky behaviors (hmm...like running away from a M, having A's, etc) Lots of MLC behavior they say is just a way for men to deal with their depression. If they actually received treatment for the depression, maybe they wouldn't make such horrible choices. And in Cemar's case, maybe he wouldn't feel so helpless/hopeless.
IMPO...while I wouldn't involve kids in most situations, there is nothing wrong with them seeing a parent sleeping on the couch. It CAN teach them that sometimes people need some space, and it's ok to take that. It CAN teach them that you don't walk out just because something gets difficult. It CAN teach them that it's ok to stand up for yourself too. It all depends upon how the parents handle the situation with their kids.
I don't think that I would recommend sleeping on the couch and not reassuring the kids that things will be ok...that could be scary for them.
I always knew that when my Dad was on the couch that they'd had an argument of some sort...but they were working things out, but they also let me know that.
