Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Life goes on, and it ain't about Job

still here just not alot to say, things pretty much the same. Still standing.

sorry to hear that, 81

things will change and things will get better.

try and keep your chin up

8, "still standing" is pretty damn good in my book! Carry on.

Thanks guys.
I have noticed a cycle to my current life. OM is out of towner, most contact w/ my wife is work trips (1 per month), and its rare visit here. The time bewteen this contact is much better for me. Wife and I are in contact, have moments of fun and understanding, even start to reconnect in small ways, then as contact w/ POS draws near, she pulls away, decreases contact w/ the kids and I, and then she is gone for 4 days or so. Not interpreting or expecting, just observing.

Ended up not doing anything with the bank account. I spoke to her and told her that I could not afford two households, and really wanted to know what she thought we should do about the joint account. She led off with a strange statement about her not knowing what was taking so long for her atty to file. I asked what happened to mediation? She said she didn't think I was interested, I replied that she is free to do whatever she needed to do but my point about mediation was that I would go but I wasn't going to help her get a divorce. I then refocused on the bank account, she agreed that I couldnt afford it, and said once she got a full paycheck, she would be able to help more. Since that discuussion, she has not written a check or made a withdrawl, of course she hasn't made a deposit either. So for now I will just wait and see. I think it is confusing her to have me not do what she and I am sure OM has told her I would do.

81

are you doing anything for you?

not as much as I should. I have all 3 kids all the time except every other weekend, and between soccer, track, art club, reading nights, household chores, and taxi driver, not to mention a more then full time job, I really don't have any time or energy to have a life. I have gone out a few times, I have reconnected with some old friends, and I have started several projects around the house.

I am sure that as a schedule developes, I will make more time for myself, but right now it is just every other weekend. Unfortunately, I don't know many single people, and the married couples have the same time constraints that I have. One of our friends offered to give me a list of single women, but I declined, saying I really wasn't looking for a date. A few 20 and 30 something friends from wife's work have asked me out with them, and I have gotten together with friends for dinner, gone out and listened to bands, played darts at the local pub, went out alone on St. Patrick's day. I had some fun, and got hit on a couple of times, but it was St. Paddy's day, and the green beer was flowing.

Thanks again for checking in, I am going to head outside and toss the football with S6.

8,

You're a freaking decent man.

I think it's time you arranged for your wife to stay with the kids two nights a week to give you time for you to live your life.

Then when you come home smiling from ear-to-ear, jazzed about your latest salsa/karate/pilates class, etc. she'll say, "great". Then...she'll get to go home and brood.

Rally your friends/family around you. If your wife won't watch them so you can have a life, friends and family should.

--Theoden

Theo;
Thanks, I know this, but we have no family locally, and like I said, married friends have enough on their plates. Some single friends have offered, and I will take them up on it at some point. I think part of what my wife is looking for is that I can't do this 24/7, I have done it for as long as a month, but I think she feels like I don't appreciate her contribution with the kids, at least that is how she sees it. Really, I think she feels guilty because she really hasn't been there for them and wants to think I won't be able to do it either.

The reality of course is that I have always told her what a great role model she is, especially for the girls, and how proud I am of her, but she can't see that right now. I was speaking to my FIL this weekend, and he was asking how we were holding up, I told him we are fine, but that I really didn't have any choice, the kids deserved better then both their parents walking away. He agreed, and said it was a good thing to keep in mind when things get tough. I feel so sorry for my inlaws, they don't know what to do, they really want to help, but don't know how.

I have told parents and in laws that they should be supportive and validate her feelings, they are real feelings and for no other reason deserve respect. I told them you don't have to agree with her, I certainly don't.

4 or 5 friends from back home are coming down this weekend, leaving after work on Friday. I am stocking up on beer and food, planning on smoked ribs and a brisket, we make our own bar-b-q sauce, and it has been well liked by all who have tried it. They all want to see the kids, and wife has them this weekend, so I am thinking about just inviting her and the kids over.(she has known all these people for 26 years, she was there when they graduated from high school, got married, had kids, and two separate God parents are coming) If she doesn't want to come I will just ask to borrow the kids for a few hours so they can visit.

I am a little worried recently because instead of detaching, I feel like I am separating. I really don't like the person my wife is right now, unfortunately, I am learning more then I care to about what she is saying and doing. Apparently, she has gotten engaged, and can't understand why people are not excited for her. I am "OK with it, and understand" There is also a strong possibility that she has had at least 2 other affairs over the last 5 years, I have not confirmed those, but am in the process of it. Not snooping, exactly, just going to call them and tell them to grow a set and tell me the truth, yes, I know both of them, not good friends, but people I trusted with my wife.

So I guess I am at a low ebb. I really can still see my wife just below the surface, I can see an incredible life with her, and I still think the kids would benefit from an intact family, but I am just not sure I want to settle for someone who thinks that little of me.

8,

Ouch. That must hurt.

This post saddened me. I wish I was there to give you a hug and tell you how decent and good a man you are.

I think detaching and separating are not too different.

What has helped me is Frank_D's approach which is not to try to pretend that what she is doing is OK or to pretend you are "OK" with it, but to look at my wife in the middle of a MLC and an affair and realize, for lack of a better term, she's nuts. She needs help. Hopefully her real self, including her conscience, will emerge from the endorphin and emotional fog. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. And if she chooses to remain nuts for the rest of her life, so be it, I'll not be part of that life. Frank's approach was to "smile and wave."

I think, perhaps, you might want to do some hard thinking and come up with a plan. What if she gets married? Where do you draw the line?

I suppose the cliche thing to say is go sit with God. Tell him exactly how you feel, even tell him how awfully you think he's running the part of the universe you happen to be living in. Be brutally honest with him. Ask him to change you. Ask him to change your wife. Ask for a miracle. Then tell him whatever happens, you will hold him personally responsible for it, since he does rule the cosmos. But, since he's God, you will trust him with your life, your wife and your children. You may not like his decision, but, you will trust that because he loves you beyond imaginnig, that even the difficult things that come from his hand will refine you into gold.

Having given you spiritual castor oil, may I also say, there's always hope.

--Theoden

Yes, ouch is right! Betrayal is a horrible wound indeed. 8, I must ask you why you would want to contact others to confirm your W's previous A's? What will that do for your life to make it better? I cannot see any good coming of it. It will just fuel more anger and hurt for you. Is that going to move you forward?
As far as your W's engagement plans, I think Theo is right she's NUTS! Anyone who would leave their M and family of 18 years and get engaged a few weeks later is not playing with a full deck right now. She is trying to legitimize what she has done. If the OM wasn't her "dream guy" then how could she possibly legitimize the pain she is causing herself and her family? It's part of the fantasy, she's trying to ease her guilt. Sadly, youmust let her live out her mistakes. That is hard. Try to maintain as positive a R with her as you can right now, that's best for your sitch and your family. I'd still try and push her to take some responsibility for the kids and allow you some outing time. I'd stick with trying to achieve that. Take care 8, and yes, you are one hell of a good man!