Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again need a little encouragement

C told H and I that people that don't argue (or at least disagree strongly - lol) on things are avoiding having to deal with it.

My H and I rarely, rarely ever disagree on anything but I truly believe now that it was a way for both of us, not just him (because would openly admit he didn't like confrontation) to avoid having to deal with the conflict at all. In his situation it came from bad past relationships, with me I can see now how it came from my childhood (it was just easier to not say anything than to try and fight back because I wans't going to win anyway - large family, very dominating mother etc.)

It's amazing how your childhood relates to so much in your present life. I just finished really a really good book that sets a lot of those things out. It's called "After the Affair" by Janis Spring - its fantastic and really opened my eyes to a lot of things that were going on in our R right now (almost 4 months post bomb)

What I really liked about the book is, had I read it when I was going through the real heavy duty emotions (immediately after the bomb) I don't know if I would have picked up all I needed to from it

Good read!! (especially for women whose H were the ones that cheated on them)

OK, last night our son had ball practice. When my H showed up, I asked was he still mad at me over the issue about a money problem. He said no, Then I asked if something else was wrong, He said no, then I asked, You would tell me if there was, right?, He said" I would tell you if there was". That made me feel better for a brief second....I asked if he saw his landlord yet, he said no, he wasn't home. I asked if he was going to talk to him about breaking his lease (so he could move back home)He replyed "I'm going to talk to him about it". I said, "Youre going to talk to him about it?" He said again, "Im going to talk to him about it." That doesn't sound like he really wants to give up his apt yet. I have a feeling he will only ask his landlord, If I decide to move out, what would happen about my lease? Not like he is really going to break it. I am beginning to become very scared about things again and don't know if I need to talk about how he is feeling or not. Should I bring up R talk to him tonight or not? I am afraid it will push him away. I thought about asking him about how he is feeling about things. Then kind of take it from there and just listen to what he has to say. I want this to work, but I have this sinking feeling that he is beginning to have second thoughts and doesn't want to give up his apartment just yet. What should I do? Should I just wait a few days and see what his landlord says or should I act as if there's nothing wrong? Please Help, I am afraid I am going to break down tonight and say something I shouldn't. I am scared of what he might say. Should I just stick my foot in the
water and test it by talking about future stuff with him or what? WHAT SHOULD I DO? Any Advice would be helpful.

Thanks,

I would say no R talk. Since my H has "come around" this last time, I haven't brought up R and it seems like this time it's working. No pressure; I just act like everything is wonderful and nothing's wrong. Easier said than done and my H is still in the home, but I would say give him time. By you asking if anything is wrong, etc., you are kind of bugging him maybe? Putting pressure on him. He needs to make the decision himself. That's just my take on it. Like I said, easier said than done, but I wouldn't bring anything up. Just go on - taking it day by day.

Thanks Cadesmom,

I know I am probably reading more into it than there really is, but I am naturally a worrier. I think that I will hold off on that talk. I want to talk if he brings anything up though. Problem with that is before we separated, he never let me know there was any problems. He kept them to himself until he decided he was going to leave. Even though we discussed that he needed to talk to me when there was a problem, that I can't read his mind (he thought after 13 yrs of marriage that I could!) I am still afraid he is doing it again, and If I don't know there is a problem, I can't work on it. I will try to take it day by day still. thanks,

I know. My H never told me all these past years that we were having such huge problems, or that he was so unhappy, that he got to the point of D either!! He still thinks he shouldn't have to tell his "life long partner" how unhappy he was, that I should have known. I am bumping along in my sitch as well, not real sure what he's thinking either -- are we really working this out or is he just pacifying me until he leaves in a month for a whole year???

I still say we really need to just give them their time and space. They need to make the decisions as to what they are going to do in the end. We need for their decisions to come from their heart and be what they really want and not necessarily what we want them to do. I know it's not easy and I guess I don't really know if I'm doing the right thing, therefore am I giving you the right advice? I don't know, but I know if we push, they will turn & run.

ok, My H and me talked last night, all night actually. He said that his feelings for me were still not there. He asked the question,"When is enough, enough". He said he came back to try because he wanted to make sure he gave it that chance and also to maybe show me that there was a chance it wouldn't work. I point blank asked him " Are you saying that you are giving up on our marriage?" His answer "mmmm, NO" I told him that confused me tremendously. He still feels like why should he continue to waste his time if its not going to work. I did however, get him to agree to go see a marriage counselor. I think that is a big deal, because when we first separated, that was a BIG NO. My problem with this man is, he still would have sex with me if I wanted to. He said that he is going to start staying at his apartment but wanted to know if we could possible date and if he wanted to come over, could he? BUT, he thinks it would be OK to date other people too. ?????????? I said that would defeat the purpose of us dating. He said maybe not, It might make me realize all the good things I would miss in you. Problem, he would date woman he dated right after we separated. He had a real connection with her he says. That worries me. I really don't think I can do this. I want to try, but I don't think my heart can take it. I cannot date him if he is going to date other women and possible sleep with them. I told him this. Of course he understands where I am coming from. He did say that he saw a difference in me when we talked last night, said he noticed that I listened to him more, and tried to understand what he was saying. That was good, I guess.That is just something I have learned to do, thinking it would help. He ended up staying the night, mainly because it was so late, but I think he would have anyway. I asked if he wanted to come eat dinner with us tonight and he said yes. I asked if he wanted to stay again and he said that he actually wanted to stay in his apt. but said would it be ok if he changed his mind and wanted to come over? I said ok. I think that I might need to move back over to the separated board. I feel awful about this, not sure what moves to make now. I guess I just need to keep acting like we are working on things, just slower until we talk to marriage counselor. He is hoping that the MC can help him understand why he is feeling the way he is, about not really knowing what he wants and not knowing what makes him happy. I am glad he has decided that he wants help in knowing.

That's awesome that he will go to C! My H thinks it's a bunch of crap.

I am sort of in the same sitch, although my H is still at home. What I am doing is just acting "as if" everything is great & wonderful and just loving him patiently. No pressure. He seems to be coming around.

I'm not saying it's easy AT ALL, but like I've said before it's taken them a long time to get to the "I don't love you anymore" and wanting a D, so it's going to take them time to get their feelings back for us too!

No pressure on him. I know, it seems like it's still all about him, but it kind of is. As long as you are being good to yourself too, just keep loving him and showing him how wonderful it is between the two of you and hopefully he will come around. You will never know until it happens how long that's going to take though. If you keep talking to him right now about the R, you will probably keep getting the same answers. He needs time to get back to where HE needs to be in the R.

I agree w/ you on the dating thing. I don't think I would want my H dating others while we were dating and/or trying to work out the M. I would let that go for now and hopefully he will drop it. He probably needs more time to think things through too.

my concern is finding a counselor that will not say " there is no hope for you, time to move on." I think that is what he wants to hear and is just afraid to make that decision on his own. He said he is only willing to go 2 or 3 times at the most unless he sees that it is helping. He did say he would like to go and talk to someone without me at least once, which sounds like a great idea to me.

When you start calling places/people, ask them if they believe in keeping M's together and/or maybe even ask them how they feel about D, etc.

Thats exactly what I am doing. One counselor said it would be false for him to say that any marriage could be saved. But that ending a relationship on lost feelings would be foolish. Affection and love are the products of applied emotional integrity and creativity. If the feelings have gone, it means that one or both parties are not creating the proper conditions. Sentimental loving needs to replace it. Not quite sure what all that means, but I guess that is why you go to a counselor.