I hope your family has a great time with the birthday girl (happy birthday to her). Your D being the middle child would probably explain the "neglect". I am the middle child in a large family, and believe me, being the middle child was quite a pain growing up. Have you told your H you are scared? That you are feeling overwhelmed with this?
No I haven't. I just posted to BND about what I want to say to him. I don't want to argue. I want to be reassured. I want to feel safe with him. I need that before I can let my guard down to really fully love him the way I want to. I am still really really hurt and so are our children. I don't know how to get through to him without him reacting negatively and right now, I have so little tolerance for crap from him, I don't know what to say. But I do feel overwhelmed, and sometimes like an idiot for putting up with all this. God, If I could just know or hear him say he "gets it" and won't do this sh-- again, I know I could try harder and better. I guess I'll try to take Gilda Radner's advice in her memoir before she died, when she wrote about ambiguity in life. "Embrace the ambiguity" because we all have it to some degree. So, let's see if THAT works... j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Difficult choices ahead for you ... just don't make any based in fear, anger, or self-sacrifice. I am so sorry you are left with making a decision based on something you had no control over. So frustrating! As you may remember, I had a similar choice to make, and I made mine out of a sense of self-sacrifice, telling myself it was for my children's sake. Then, H didn't behave as I would like, and I still don't trust him, and actually resent him immensely (I am, however, trying to not).
Take care!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
wth?? DB coach said if I go solely for d9, it would be "noble" and she is right. But like you, I fear going and being miserable and bitchy and whatever else. I did tell H the other day, after he said something vague but good, about wanting to make up for lost time, etc.that it IS HELPFUL for him to say things like that. He was surprised....????WTH???? So, if he can hang on to the part of himself that allows self reflection and does the "fearless moral inventory" we do in 12 step programs, and try to make amends (and yes, I've been there, done that, 11 years ago and it ought to be called the "FearFUL moral inventory b/c it is terrifying to stare at the realities and consequences of our lives) I would feel that is the most he could now do.
At the root of this ALL, isn't what we as wives want, is the knowledge that in our men's hearts, we really are THE priority? That belief, accurate or not, was all that got me through the decades of sacrificing my career and moving for h 6-7 times, etc. So, when that idea is killed, it hits us at our core. They say men are simple and women are complicated. I'm not so sure we are so complicated. Just love me in my love language, and I'm happily married. I promise.
So, check out the FaithIsBelieving thread for some detachment and forgiveness work. I have "conceived" forgiveness for H and thought I had done it. But it's still in development within, b/c odd things/comments trigger anger in me and I find myself surprised at times, with how hurt or insecure or angry I can feel when we are together. Gotta get a grip on THAT, b/c it is Not helpful to the M or my self image. BND is taking her H back into the home and he's been gone a long time as well. She suggested a forgiveness book on this thread, which I will get today. Where are you living now? Is there ANYTHING for you there? Hey, if I can jerry rig a "theater" career in Alaska, well, IF I can, then you gotta be able to do/find something with meaning for you outside of being the self sacrificing mommy. Regardless, maybe the DB coach is right. We did/are doing the noble thing. OR, are you/we doing the martyr thing? One thing that I need to remind myself of, and maybe you as well, is that I DO have a choice. A crappy choice, yes. But still, a choice. How are you two communicating verbally, physically, etc.? j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
J- Seems like I barely post anymore. Probably because I'm in limbo-a good one-with H right now. And because all my writing time is taken up in other venues. (Just got my first rejection from a literary agent-and it was a "good" rejection, as far as those go!)
Your sitch still draws me in, because of the similarities. One of the differences is that your H is expressing his eagerness for you and your family to move to where he is. Mine hasn't done that-because he's worried of the burden, or because it's not that important for us to be together (who knows). And I really wish he would. But if my H was like yours and excited about us moving to where he is, I think I would react the same way you have. Ironic, huh?
I also requested that forgiveness book at the library. I have the same issues as you with regard to my H acknowledging what he did. It hasn't been too hard to stuff them, because we don't have much contact. But I do think, once he shows up, these emotions I have put on the back burner, in favor of my desire to be with him, will come up.
You must have hit on something with your H when you mentioned to him that acknowledgin his regret for the past helps you! Good for you for finding that opening! A lot of times, men just have no clue what is swirling around in our heads. And we are shocked by whats ISN'T swirling around in theirs.
And, there is no if...In the biggest town in Alaska-you would be a fool not to capitalize on your LA theatre experience and open up your own playhouse. Not that I'm saying you HAVE to go there. But, in my experience in a small Alaskan town...if you've got any kind of talent, people are drawn to you.
Well, I've taken a break from my writing project this morning and now it's time to get ready for the job that pays the bills...yech, blah, crud...I'd like to be in big town Alaska right now instead of small town Wisconsin, that's for damn sure. Although I'd take the Pacific Northwest over anything else. That' where my heart it...and will probably never live again...(sigh).
Just posted to you on your thread. Wanted to say my prayer "out loud" here.
"God help me to forgive H, to bring us closer, and to open my heart and mind to this challenge. I turn over my anger and pain to you b/c it's too much for me. Please help me see your will in all this." ((hugs to all)) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wow 25years - that is a REALLY great prayer, mind if I use it? It brought tears to my eyes
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Hey 25yrs, how are you today? I like the prayer,and I will use it, too, because it says in few words just what I want to say. Our preacher asked the other day how many of us would take a bullet for our spouses. He said don't raise your hand, but you should be willing to die for your spouse.
BND, I think I will head over to Amazon.com to check out that book you recommended. I bought Sacred Marriage, and Sacred Influence. Both very good books.
Hey 25yrs, I went to the Essential Experience website, and read all about it, and it really sounds like a very good workshop, and that they keep up with each other afterwards was great. Too bad, it's in a place where I can't go to one. But, it does sounds so good, and I bet you really got a lot out of it.
