Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Still Alive IV: Hairdog

LFL,

uhmmm....that he's serious about changing the status quo and he's not going to take her crap anymore?
Granted it should be a last resort but come on, HD is at the end of his rope. And MrsHD is NOT going to "get it" until something drastic happens.

I think HD has a fine line to walk. I believe that underneath all her bluff, MrsHD is really scared and has had severe abandonment type issues. If HD moves out, I think it could trigger those feelings and put her into super defense mode.

I think he needs to stand his ground with her to set his boundaries, create respect, pull back his lost power, and even the playing field to get to a position that he can go toe to toe with her if necessary. But the reason for that battle is not to threaten and scare her, but to cause her to confront her own insecurities. HD then steps to step on the other side of that fine line and offer her the security she really wants. She needs to respect that he is fighting for her.

I do not see how leaving the house will send the same message. I think it will convince her he is a selfish male who does not care about her feelings at all, while at the same time giving her a sense of satisfaction that she has defeated and run off this man.

There are lots of ways to get the message across that MrsHD needs to “get it,” but abandoning her is not the right approach, IMO.

Fearless,

H is a Buckeye. I'm a Gator. It is a mixed marriage but luckily we are both good sports. I don't much care about basketball (football girl) but will probably watch anyway.

Hairdog,

Hope you can kick back and enjoy the tournament. Nothing wrong with a little mental escape.

Karen

Let me clarify here about the "moving into Mom's" idea: It's not a "plan", it's an "option." In other words, if it ever comes to the point where I NEED to go someplace else (e.g., I drive up to find my stuff in the yard, my keys/codes don't work, and/or the cops out front), I won't have to utilize a lot of mental energy flailing around wondering "where can I go? what can I do?"

Because I'll know exactly what I need to do.

Hairdog

*Anything* HD does to impact the status quo will be met with a Defcon Level 1 response from MrsHD.

I don't think that HD should move straight to separation when he hasn't taken the preliminary steps toward establishing himself as a full-fledged, card-carrying, equal in the marriage.

He can take the steps to establish himself as an equal and see how she responds.

MrsNOP -

HD,

I think that if you ever drive up and find your stuff in the lawn, you move it right back in. Call the cops if you have to. Its your house too.

Actually, that would be a good sign IMO. It would mean she is feed up and reaching her limit, so the best tactic might be to keep up the pressure until she decides to talk openly and honestly about the real issues, which is your ultimate objective.

Shift your thinking, I still worry that you would even think of backing away instead of moving forward.

That last part I don't get at all. I highly doubt she would feel satisfaction about HD leaving.

That I agree with. Any strong willed person is going to get defensive and self-protect. I sure did. But it's all a process. I'm not saying she will immediately see the light so to speak. I'm just saying that taking this drastic measure will most likely get him closer to where he ultimately wants to be in a much shorter frame of time. Perhaps a few years instead of 25 or how about never.

That is a LOT to work on with a woman who is a real ball breaker. I'm not putting HD down here but I don't see him being the type of guy who has it in him to take the Cobra approach. And frankly Cobra, I don't think you have the same type of M that many people on this board are trying to achieve. You admit to lack of love in your M. I would never accept that and I don't think HD wants that either. He can stay and butt heads with her til the cows come home but what will that really accomplish. I predict HD continues to run in circles with MrsHD until she is FORCED to take a different perspective. Maybe giving her a little insecurity about the R is just what she needs to stop being such a PITA. Not that I have any personal experience with any of this or anything.
LFL

I'm with you LFL. I am LD for watching sports. I've always believed that women who act like they enjoy watching sports are just faking it to make themselves more appealing to the guys (but not you fearless). I have to admit that I have faked it myself on occasion (Hopefully, this is not as big of a no-no as doing it with orgasm.-LOL).The only way I can enjoy watching sports is if I've got some money riding on the game. Guess I get that from my Type 7 Grandma who used to bet on the ponies.

LFL,

I predict HD continues to run in circles with MrsHD until she is FORCED to take a different perspective.

So what do you think I’ve been saying? She puts up the massive defense to intimidate HD to prevent confrontation, even though she is being confrontational with her tactics. Raising the ante to keep steady pressure on her is a way of forcing her to take a different perspective, yet staying just clear of her confrontational tactics that she uses to avoid confrontation of her own issues, KWIM?

BTW, this also brings us back to the debate I had here long ago about the difference between boundaries and control, and whether an ultimatum, such as D is control or a boundary. I think this line is blurred for MrsHD. In fact, I know it is because she has no problems in resorting to threats and ultimatums anytime she wants. I think she really needs to understand the difference, and this could be a major battle in itself.

I think Lil’s idea of not jumping into the pit, just saying “oh” and keeping the focus on her, is in the same spirit as what I am suggesting. Except for other people, their sense of guilt and commitment will cause them to engage in one way or another. The silence puts them on the spot and they might feel compelled to respond, opening up the dialogue. They do not retreat deep into a cave.

But MrsHD likes the silence. It is safe for her. From her current position, she has everything to lose and nothing to gain by allowing relationship to move off center. That is why Nop is right in telling HD to rattle the cage one way or another. It is all meant to get to Step 6 of Nop’s outline. I am only suggesting that it is particularly import how HD rattles the cage.

Actually it was the other way around in my marriage. I watched sports more than XH. Sometimes he was annoyed by it; not to the point of an issue or anything.

My great-aunt and her friends love UCONN B-ball (Men and women's). My grandmother loves all sports. She was a speed skater and is a great golfer. My grandfather was a football coach. My mom and dad both watched all sports - OSU, Cincinnati Bengals and Reds, Sunday(?) afternoons watching Wide World of Sports! And the 1976 Olympics are forever ingrained into the 7 year old girl mind inside of me.

I never grew up thinking that sports were for men only so I am surprised when people are surprised by my interest.


but not you fearless

Yeah, I wouldn't be sitting in my hotel room eating room service and watching ESPN to attract men:)

Well then we agree. I'm saying essentially the same thing. Rattle the cage. I guess we differ on the likelyhood of success if he rattles the cage by saying "oh" and the like. But you are confusing me on that issue because in one sentence you say basically that is effective and the next sentence is that MrsHD likes the silence, so... Which is it? How is he possibly going to make progress without forcing her to change her stance? She is in the driver's seat. There is no way in heck she is going to give that up until he forces her out of the car.

No. It's tit for tat and not going to work. I know you believe that it will and I see you describe it all the time in your own M on this board, but I doubt it would ever get HD to the loving M that he wants.
That's just my take.
LFL