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How do you know he made 5 calls? Snooping? (I'm the queen of snooping and it only causes me grief)

You treat H like a king you said. How do you treat yourself? (I need to read your whole thread. This just caught my eye this morning.)

Matilda

Yes, I do snoop (I think I could have been a P.I. with all my experience) and you are right it does me more harm then good, but I just like to know when he is lying to me because I hate feeling like a fool. But, actually, that feeling never goes away and it won't until he STOPS CHEATING or I kick him out again, will be the third time, can't do that again, though.

He still calls OW "My friend, we are so tight now he says, I just can't lose this friend, now, she has done so much for me". What a bunch of BS. And I told him the other day, she is more than a friend it is beyond friends and she is no friend of our marriage - I said she is your affair the Other women, you are cheating. I wanted him to hear those true words. And Hah! like what, help you lose your job and almost your whole family! I still cannot comprehend his thinking?!

I try to stick up for myself. And just recently I have been trying not to let this consume me and do things that make me happy, though. My children are having a hard time with this, because I have always only done for them and now that I wan't to start going out and having fun, they think it is something so terrible. I need to do some more of what they call GAL and PMAing I think.

I feel so defeated today.

Today is one of those days when I just want to give up. No matter what I do, I feel that H will never say goodbye to OW. She calls him at least twice a day. I am tired of competing and being so nice. Tired of all the lies. Tired of trying, tired of worrying, tired tired tired. Tired of trying to make someone love me who should already love me, but instead is loving this other person,(this fool - OW) who has already ruined our R and probably would never last the 17 years we have.

I'm just venting and this is the way I feel today. I probably will feel totally different tomorrow. UgggHHHHHHH!

Hang in there! If you look at my thread, you will know I am feeling the same way today. How old are your kids? I have a hard time GALing w/ 3 little boys. I know what you mean about the tired -- tired emotionally !!!! However, if you've gone this far, you think it will be worth it in the long run so you have to keep running the race!

My kids are 16, 15, and 3. It is the two older ones that give me trouble. They think they are my boss. I will check out your thread. Thanks for the support. I really needed it today.

You may have the answer right there, Cissy. YOU can not make him stop talking to OW. That has to be HIS decision.

Try a 180 and stop focusing on OW! (Trust me, I know this is difficult from my own experience. I do believe it's the key, though!).

Matilda

I seem to do that so well... until... he brings her up and all of the time, too. What do I do about that? Sometimes I change the subject, sometimes I humor him and sometimes I get downright angry, I try to hold bag my anger, but I know he sees it. How do I do that?

Also, I have a few new concerns. He has been snapping at me for no reason at all, I believe. Like take for instance. I was going to the store and straightening my hair with the straightener and he says... "Your are frying your hair, why don't you just give your a rest and quit abusing it." And he will say you me... "You are too skinny, you have no a$$ now." He says these two things to me almost every couple of days. Other people compliment me. And not to boast, because I feel like an old ugly tossed shoe, but I think I am attractive and look nice when I go out. What gives?

And he yelled at me today for not answering his call (mind you this comes from someone who never wanted me to call him before and never answered my calls).

And he snapped at me because I had my phone number hidden when the calls go out on my cell. OW also does this and I think he couldn't figure out which one of us was calling, so he couldn't be prepared for the phone call. I did notice hers is turned back on today, too... hmmmmmm... he must have told her to turn hers back on, too. I think it was pretty funny the other way... at least I can find some humor in all of this. Well, now he know which one is calling ahead of time.
I let his anger go with all of these and handled them very well, I thought and quickly complimenting him about something. But what gives?

And I have to end this with I am sure he is out with her again, today. He always stays out way later with her than me. When he is out with me he wants to be home by 7. Everytime he is out with her he gets so drunk smashed and comes home very late. He is not home, yet and it is almost 9:00. Maybe I am boring to him. Why does he always stay out later with her?

STOP!!!! OW is not worth your time!!!!!!!

Do something for Cissy right now!!!!!! Take a bath. Watch a chick flick. Read a book. DETACH!!!!! Detach from the situation that is driving you crazy!!!!!!

I'm not sure if my husband is still seeing OW. He works with her so I know he sees her at work. Here are some things that I do to detach:

When I am out, I stay out longer than usual doing something that I want to do.

When he calls I do not answer. He has to call me back again or If I think the call is concerning the kids I will call him back at least 10 min later.

I started saying some of the same things he was saying like:
I will call you back.
I would just hang up the call without any ILY.
I would try to sound irritated when he called like he was interupting something.
I started going out (with friends or by myself)
I try to do things like a single mom, that way I don't have to ask him for anything concerning the kids (this eats him up).
I look good at all times (It really helps me to feel great).
I started making decisions about my life and did not ask his input.
I would do everything for my husband, I stopped doing everything for him. Now he ask for help. This lets him see "the good wife" quality. No other woman is going to take care of his needs like me. She can be a thrill for now, but she won't love him unconditionally.
I stop initating sex (makes him wonder).
Just do anything that you would not normally do.
Most important, I never ask about or speak of other woman.
I stop snooping and I try to think positive.
Everyday is hard, but the more I love myself the better the day goes.
Oh and I stop asking about our marriage. I will only talk about it a little if he brings it up.
Last, make him wonder, when we go out my husbands sees that others are waiting for him to give me up,even his so called friends. It makes them think about what they have.

I am still learning to detach, it is a long process but it can be done.

I read from you and someone else on your thread about H's not wearing their rings. What's that about??? Mine isn't either. I think his "friend" is also @ work and I'm pretty sure that's why he doesn't wear it? Maybe? I know the last time he did have it on, I would bet money that he took it off as soon as he was on his way to work Monday a.m. I even told him one day that every day he doesn't wear his ring & acts like he's not married to me is like a slap in the face, but he still isn't wearing it. He told me one time that he NEVER took it off before "all of this" unless it was a safety issue. So what does this mean exactly that our H's aren't wearing their rings? I've decided not to say anything about it anymore -- that way when he does put it back on (if that happens) I will know it's b/c HE WANTED TO. Are we putting too much stock into this issue or is it as meaningful as I think it is?

Reading your last post, my thoughts are that we are walking such a thin line. We just kind of try what we think will help/work and then go from there. See how H reacts to certain things and then re-evaluate our actions. It's hard though b/c sometimes what we think we should do backfires.

Keep up the PMA. If you are still truly committed to waiting for your H to get to where he needs to be for your M to be truly back on track, I guess patience is the key. Easier said than done! I find myself wanting things to move faster than they are and then find myself trying to push things along. I guess we need to just continue to be supportive & loving and let them see this and figure it out on their own, in their own time.

Hang in there! I still truly believe we are all doing the right thing.