Hey folks, MrsGGB and I have been married 20 years today. 20 years of SSM. If I had known then what was ahead, I probably wouldn't have married her, as the lack of intimate communication between us has marred our marriage, not just in the bedroom. Nevertheless, I still love her and her me, and are both committed to the marriage so I'm not going anywhere. It isn't bad, but it could be a heck of a lot better.
We're currently in a state where I've more or less lost interest, a state that I really don't understand nor like. We are back to about a once per month schedule, but it isn't so much her, rather it is my not bothering to initiate. I've even caught myself avoiding situations where she might initiate (WTF is that about?). We're not communicating well at all, and my attempts to return us to a formal dialog like WWME have been met with much resistance. So in this place, it is hard to get in a mood to celebrate our anniversary. I sense MrsGGB is unhappy too; she seems somewhat depressed, is constantly snapping at or complaining about me and the kids. She also has said that she has forgotten how to have fun. There are few words of praise and little warmth right now, and it is affecting the whole family. I'm trying to figure out how to set the whole thing right, but it seems a bit overwhelming to me.
Part of it, I think, is MrsGGB's parents didn't have a good marriage and her mother in particular was verbally abusive to her so she doesn't have a good role model to draw upon or a mental picture of what a good marriage can be. We are both passive-agressive, both first borns of larger families, both Pisces (not that we put much stock in that, but we've been told by a couple people that is not a great combination for mates). The kids (we have six ranging from 17 to 2) are overwhelming often, especially to MrsGGB. MrsGGB is a SAHM, and I am an independent consultant working out of my home.
So here I sit, looking at 20 years gone by, wondering how to change the dynamic here so that the next 20 are not like the first. I'm upset with myself for letting it go this long and get this disconnected. I feel the entire weight of changing the tone rests on me, because if I don't fix it, no one else will. I'm just not sure where to start.
...wondering how to change the dynamic here ... I feel the entire weight of changing the tone rests on me, because if I don't fix it, no one else will. I'm just not sure where to start.
What would you have to give up, or let go of, to put yourself in a place where you could change the dynamic?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
GGB, I suggest rather than going for some smarmy anniversary card or note, that you take this post, clean it up a bit if necessary, print it out and give it to her.
Your wife (from your descriptions) doesn't come across as a hard case. Will it hurt her to hear your feelings? Sure, but it might just be the opportunity she needs to see just how impacted you are, how weary you are and she just might surprise you and step up to the plate for you. She may blow beforehand, but one thing I keep seeing is how we are so NOT honest with our spouses. She would probably have some hard things for you to hear, too.
But it might just be a chance to start the next 20 years with something more than despair.
I'm sorry that you are feeling low. OTOH - give yourself a pat on the back for being "one of the good guys". You've stayed, you've worked on things, it's hard and still you stay. I agree that Mrs. GGB has seemed fairly willing to work on things in the past. Surely, if she is unhappy too she might be willing to do something?
So here I sit, looking at 20 years gone by, wondering how to change the dynamic here so that the next 20 are not like the first. Well friend, it might be the same 20 years from now. Look at my situation of 38 years, not as a poor/dumb/stupid/unlucky Lou, but as, "so, that is one way a M can go when not much changes."
The big difference in your case, is you have the internet, books, WWME, and some other resources at your disposal.
Issue #1 I wanted to address is 6 kids. I had my limit with 2 or at the outside 4. Fortunately, we only had 2.
NFP would have had me and BB worried that she might become PG. I know you are a proponent of NFP. I am not saying it is good or bad. Just that for me and BB it would have been an issue. At this point in our M BB wanted to go off birth control pills.
I wanted to ML but had a nagging feeling, will this time lead to another baby. That worry took away from my sex drive. I think it is small part of the reason for your We're currently in a state where I've more or less lost interest, a state that I really don't understand nor like.
I know your religious beliefs are strong so I a not advising you what to do. I am saying for me, if I had a reset button, I would have gotten snipped.
Child care? Can you both get away from the kids to be a couple only, for 3 or 4 hours a week.
I don't know how well you manage your business and work time. I tend to put too much time into work or take on too many jobs one day, then a week later not enough work comes in.
BB saw this as me not caring about what was important to her. It would have been better if I set aside one or two days that were family time, say no work after 3PM on Friday and set aside some times when I let phone calls go to the answering machine.
I feel the entire weight of changing the tone rests on me, because if I don't fix it, no one else will. I'm just not sure where to start. ((((GGB)))) manly hug to you.
Hey GGB...except for the "we are back to about once a month" part, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror to my future. Consider your "younger" self kicking your azz, saying, "so, you feel the 'entire weight' of changing the tone rests on you? That's because you're the strong one. Now get carrying!"
Oh...and here's a manly hug from me, too. (((GGB)))
