Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Please tell me there is a happy ending!?!?!

R2,
I just reread thru this whole tread. You do have lots of questions and I don't know if I can answer them all... Reason being my H is still her and I don't know what it is like to have them gone and dating.

As for stages of MLC, my DB coach, laurie, and other's here say to not really follow or look at where they are in stages, b/c everyone hits the stages at different times and some mayb stay in 1 stage longer than another and may not really go thru 1 of the stages. I sure do hope I am making sense on this... It is all so new to me as well.

Yes i have been dealing with H and this crap for over 2 years but that doesn't mean I am a pro by any means. I am only letting you know what I feel and what I do know. or think I know


Now that I am typing I don't remember all of the questions... let me go back and try to answer a few more if I can.

Ok, sorry to say, I have not had my H go away. Well ok, my H left last summer for 1 week. He was suffering with Depression at the time. We have gotten that taken care of... well we sought out a new Dr and he doesn't think it was "actually" depression, my H's testonerone levels were lower than the normal so we started him on some hormones and WHAT a world of difference that makes. So when we were talking with our Dr he said that you can not "really" work on you M if you are not at home ... I didn't say anything at that point... H asked if he could come home... H has been home since. sorry if I wasn't any help on this one.



I am tending to agree with you on this one, but who is ever sure. If he has someone to turn too, then why would he have to work on anything. Maybe she will get tired of it. who knows.

You have to learn to "forgive" and learn how to deal with anger. Yes you have every right to be angry but yet you need to let it go too! If you don't you will never truely forgive him and if things do work out between the two of you... will that anger and resentment come back up later and not help things? Just something that you need to think about and work on.

Honestly, I think you can do this. Once you start focusing on yourself then you will feel better and it maybe easier to let go of some of the anger. to me it seems that you are going thru the natural stages of greiving the loss of someone you love. Yes you truely didn't loose your H in death, but you did loose him.

Let's take it 1 day at a time and let's work together thru this.

As for how to get over this, come here. If who you are talking with are only making you more angry they are not helping. They believe that they are but they most likely haven't been thru what you are going thru and they are only trying to do what they think is BEST for YOU!

Maybe a step would be write down everything you are angry for. it maybe a long list, then let's figure out why this makes us angry and how to deal with it. Maybe tackling 1 thing at a time maybe easier. than trying to do EVERYTHING all at 1 time.

I have to run now. I don't mean to cut you short but I am at work trying to do this.

I support you and am here to listen and try to help you where I can.

Tab

Anger -

I wrote it all out, I was crying and shaking and I wrote everything out, I do not remember how many pages I wrtoe on, and my handwritting got larger and larger and darker and darker, and then I burned it.

TadD and Jack,
Thank you so very much!

It is just nice to have people not tell me I am totally crazy!

As for my anger. While I am angry at my XH, I am less angry with him when we are talking. As I have said before I never wanted a divorce, but if I had one, I wanted one where we could still be friendly. And the fact that he has pulled his friendship away from me again hurts. It feels like I am being punished, but I don't know what I did. And I know he says I didn't do anything, but it still hurts. It just brings up all those feelings of being abandoned by the one I truly love.

**As a side note my XH was the 2nd person I ever dated and my first love. So maybe that explains why this is so hard for me. I have only dated on other than for a brief time. I have loved no other man. The thought of even dating someone else makes me break down in tears. This was the man I chose with all his faults and all of his "problems" I chose him b/c I loved him and I wanted to be there for him for a lifetime.

I do think that the anger I feel toward him is more based on my fear of being alone and not realizing my dreams of having a child or children. I feel like he has stolen my dreams and my hopes. I am angry that he doesn't give me any answers or reason as to the why. The best answer he has come up with, is that we aren't compatible. (I think that is a load of crap. But it isn't something you can really argue with someone.)

Where most of my anger lies is with his friends and family. The ones who just stood by and let him do this. No one stood up for me. No one tried to talk him out of this. The just jumped up and helped him and "dropped me" like I never existed.

I will say I was never very close to any of them, but that was my XH chosing not mine. He didn't want us to have a close relationship so I didn't push the issue.

I know they are his family and friends, but still. The way they just turned on me. They didn't call to check on me to see how I was. They didn't do anything. My MIL talked to me for 1 month after he left and then just stopped communicating with me. I have sent his family christmas cards, b-day cards, and e-mails of well wishes, and I have gotten NOTHING in return. I have tried to do what I thought was right, and still get the cold shoulder.

It all just makes me feel like all their expressions of love were not for who I was, but for who I was married to. Once I was no longer married to my XH I was no longer worthy of their love or time.

It hurts that no one in his family tried to tell him not to do this. That no one stood up for me. It is like they all thought I deserved this. That I some how did something that made this "okay". Though i am not sure how they would know b/c I asked his mom why he left.. and she said she didn't ask and he didn't share that information.

It is those people around him that I am the most angry at. I knew I was powerless in this situation. There was nothing i could say or do to get him to stop and not leave. I was very aware of that. But they could have helped. They could have said, "You left once and made the choice to go back. YOu need to work on it some more. You can't just run away. If this is what you want that is fine, but we aren't going to help you. We will not shelter you."

But they didn't they ran to his aid, moved him out of our home and then sheltered him so he would not be lonely nor would he have to make his own food etc.

I guess I am angry that they made me feel like I did something to justify him leaving, but they weren't going to tell me what that reason was. I am angry that he had all this support here in the town where we live and all my family is 3 hours away. They can't come up and hug me and hold me and make me not feel so alone.

I think that covers my anger.

And sadly my sense of peace and calm is gone today! I just want to talk to him. I want to know why? I want to know why I cause him pain? I want to know why he can't just talk to me! I just miss him. I know it has only been a week since out last e-mail but it has been 23 days since I have seen him. I haven't gone this long without seeing him or talking to him since he left last year. He didn't talk to me for 2 months when he left a year ago. I am just so afraid of losing contact with him forever. I just feel so powerless to do anything.

I have really looked at myself and I have seen where I was wrong or need to change when it comes to our realtionship. I have changed some things in my personality that I didn't care for.

Sad how just not talking to him can throw me into this state.

Sorry for the melt down!

R2

R2,

Don't be sorry. Talking here is better and more productive.
I think that you really need to let him be the one to reach out for contact. You have made it 23 day so far, tomorrow is just another day.

AND when he does want to talk to you, he won't feel pressured.

I do not think he knows the answers you want from him. And not sure the answers he may provide will help you R2.

What can you do for yourself tonight and this weekend? Your family lives 3 hours away? Go see them. Take a break.

Jack,
Thanks for your kind reply.
I know I need to let him be, but it is just really hard. I am not one who likes to focus on me. I never have been. So doing things for myself is hard.

As for what I can do for myself, as much as I would love to go run off and see my family I can't. Well I guess the better statement is that I choose not to. It just hard. While I would like to see them more I suffer from the "I have let you all down" syndrome.

I feel like I have let my family down. I know that is all in my mind, but it is just hard when you don't get the answers you want from your family, you assume (in your mind) that they think the worst of you. So in some aspect by staying home I am hiding from what i feel are my failures.

I know I am not the only one who deals with this. My friend didn't go home to see his family for 4 years after his wife left him. It is just a hard thing to face. While I know that 50% of marriages end in divorce in this country, I am the 2nd one in my family in the history of my family to get divorced. I feel ashamed that I couldn't make my marriage work (Which compounds my helpless feeling, because I don't know why it fell apart.)

I do have a going away party for a friend this weekend... so that will be nice.

I know most of this is just in my head. But it is just hard when you look for support around you and you can't find it. You can't find that person who will just sit up with you when you are sad and just let you cry. You don't have a person who will let you come over, or come over and just be with you so you won't be alone. And don't get me wrong I know it is hard to see people you care about in pain. So I understand why people don't want to be around me... but it just makes it that much harder. I just feel so isolated.

THanks for letting me whine.
R2

Your family will always love you, and you never know...
You may have underestimated them.

I do understand what you mean though, I feel the same way at times.

Just consider it.

Thanks again!
My family will come up for Easter. Something to look forward to!
And I know my family will always love me. And I know my belief that they are disappointed in me is just in my head.

I just have the daughter guilt, of you all spent all this money on my wedding and I could not even make it last five years. I just put too much blame on myself. In my heart of hearts I know that nothing I did caused this. His problems started long ago. I had just hoped that they would resolve with time and love. I just got stuck in his "self fulfilling prophecy".

I just can't say it enough. I just want him to be happy. I just want him to feel loved.

Thanks!
r2