Cobra, I hope you don't believe what you are implying in this statement.
Actually I do believe that statement. Maybe not for 100% of all men, but I’m willing to wager 95% or more. There are a few exceptions that have been discussed on this board, but I am not convinced they are truly exceptions. For them I believe sex is too scary so they prefer to MB. For instance, take Mr. GEL. Now that he is more comfortable with approaching GEL, it would be interesting to see if he would be willing to go back to his old ways of MB and not having sex. If not, that says to me that he prefers sex too.
My wife is the one who made the dumb blanket statement that sex is the same as MB for men. I believe that is more a projection of how she may feel as an LD, than what is true for men.
Hmmm....LD women are scared of ML; LD men are scared of ML. LD women suppress their sexuality so they appear to be LD, whether they truly are or not. It's socially acceptable for women to not be sexual and many are conditioned to be that way. For the LD men who prefer MB, that says that they aren't really LD. They just don't feel safe ML with their Ws. Neither gender feels SAFE ML/having sex with another person. The fear is just manifested differently. Interesting....
I would view #7 as a reclaimation effort of respect. Though Mrs. NOP has often said on this board that 'lack of respect' was never an issue for the two of you.
I see lack of respect as insults, condescension, rudeness, verbal cruelty - that sort of thing. We didn't have that in our relationship.
I see #7 as Nop "got it" similarly to what MrsCac referenced about "knowing" but not "getting it".
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But as a fellow LD, when you lost the anger? And she really knew it? Probably tested it a time or two or three or four... threw a plate for good measure... and you still did not return to angry NOP?
NOP's anger wasn't overt, he kept it very much under control. When his anger stopped AND he continued pushing the sex issue, my anger came roaring through - I wasn't testing him in regards to his anger - I was just massively pi$$ed off. His actions "unbalanced" our relationship. I had entered and built a bunker in Withdrawal City. The imbalance pushed me back into dealing with our relationship and all the emotional baggage I had been collecting for years literally exploded.
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You and I could both say, with a fair amount of certainty, that yours and Mrs. NOPs R never deteriorated to the point that HD now finds himself in.
NOP and I had reached a point that we didn't even interact with each other much. We spoke minimally in order to get things done and then we would both return to our individually icebergs.
The initial sex I had with NOP was the teeth grinding kind - we both got off, but that was about the extent of it. I was there for one reason only - I had determined that it was the right thing to do. That was initially the extent of my emotional investment. NOP put up with a lot of begrudged sex. Here's a link to my earlier description of it:
In an SSM, I don't think anyone is going to go from little or no sex to full-blown desire. It would be nice, but I just don't see it happening. The HD men have to gird their loins and recognize that to get from here to there, they're going to have to walk through some barren landscape *for a period of time*.
The initial sex I had with NOP was the teeth grinding kind - we both got off, but that was about the extent of it. I was there for one reason only - I had determined that it was the right thing to do. That was initially the extent of my emotional investment. NOP put up with a lot of begrudged sex. Here's a link to my earlier description of it:
Link to post
In an SSM, I don't think anyone is going to go from little or no sex to full-blown desire. It would be nice, but I just don't see it happening. The HD men have to gird their loins and recognize that to get from here to there, they're going to have to walk through some barren landscape *for a period of time*.
MrsNOP,
As a non-LD woman, here's what I glean from your statements. NOP did not force you to have "teeth gritting sex." You made that decision yourself and got through it with your own fortitude. NOP likewise had fortitude and was wise and strong enough to walk through that barren landscape to get you both where you needed to go.
So my interpretation with the similarities and differences of your sitch and HDs is that HD and his wife are not quite where you and NOP were with the "teeth gritting sex." So the help NOP can offer HD is getting to that point from the High Drive side and you can help with the LD wife side. Once MsHD could even fathom willingness for "teeth gritting sex" then NOP would be VERY helpful in giving HD the support in getting through that stage.
Close at all???
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I went back and read that post, Mrs.Nop. And here's where, as Nop would say, different relationships have to be handled differently. Your relationship is so different than mine, and MsHdog would never get to this point:
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Once we reached the point where sex became the forefront issue that we were going to work on,
. Here's where I think that a combination of Corri's (be disgusted with her email) and Cobra's (jump into the crucible a.k.a. Nop's step #6) is the way I need to go. It may not be the only way, but it feels right to me, at least in theory.
Last night, my W's filling-the-gap affection seemed to be toned down, and this morning it seemed to be dialed back to normal or even below normal levels.
The initial sex I had with NOP was the teeth grinding kind - we both got off, but that was about the extent of it. I was there for one reason only - I had determined that it was the right thing to do.
Quote: The initial sex I had with NOP was the teeth grinding kind - we both got off, but that was about the extent of it. I was there for one reason only - I had determined that it was the right thing to do.
Can Mrs HD ever get here?
Not on her own volition. IOW, not without pressure from HD. At which point she will make the choice on whether she wants or does not want this marriage.
Sillyhead, Fearless and I were taking exception to your implication that women prefer MB not that men prefer sex.
I never really felt like my H MB'd because sex was too "scary". Of course, my H is an exception to the general LD male population as represented on this BB due to the fact that he isn't at all prudish. I think he was just Type 4 envious of the fact that I desired and enjoyed sex more than he did most of the time. Same way he was Type 4 envious of the fact that I enjoy my job more than him and pretty much everything else in life. Also his tendency towards numb black existential angst made any sort of cheerful approach towards arousal difficult for him. He needed the straight-forward punch in the gut of porn as opposed to the boring sight of his perhaps too readily available wife's familiar breasts or other bits. Once he was aroused by porn it was obviously much more straightforward to simply MB rather than bring me into the picture. So, it's all worked out for the best because now he can have the sex life he wants in his bachelor apartment and I can have the sex life I want with the help of the 37-59 year old single male population of South-East Michigan as represented on Match.com. Like I said before, everybody has a sex life just not necessarily one in which you would want to participate.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
