He came over this evening, spent a few hours with us, gave me some much needed attention, and left. I am weary from the battle with my assuming imagination, so scared that because he's hiding things from me and seems so eager to leave every time he's here, that I'm losing the war.
I can see how he would feel like nothing he does is enough. Because he DID come over, did help with the kids, did hold me when I asked. I HAVE to get out of this...have to spend more energy on appreciating what I do have, what he is giving.
It's just so darn scary to think about all the what-ifs and whys. Tomorrow is going to be better. I mean it!
I feel for you.. It is soooo hard to find out more sneaky stuff is going on when you think you have actually made some progress and the "secret" is out. I felt like some good things have happened in my sitch and then I read a text that she sent him about how MY H is the only one who can "fill the hole in her heart. I love you". BARF!!
The line between fantasy and reality is so fine.. Where do teh lies really end and the truth begin?? We just want the real truth, don't we?
sending hugs))) hope you are fighting the battle over your fear and questioning your emotions and putting a stop sign when your imagination runs wild. It hurts to find stuff out, but you must remember,whatever he did w/her was just acting out of character for him, that isn't the person who married you. He prob still has only the past to look at, I know you can offer him so much more, but right now he does not see that, he still can't believe it. My H told me that even when he knew I wanted him back he thought I was mad because he left me and didn't think we could work it out.
I pray that he's able to shake off anything ow, that you refuse to let fear grip you every day, wake up and decide to reclaim the day for you.
hangin there there gal)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks Olive & Cat--I'm holding my own today...not winning, but keeping my head above water.
Quote: right now he does not see that, he still can't believe it.
I have wondered this myself: if he can't bring himself to the step of repentance/forgiveness yet, how can he accept my forgiveness of him? I need to slow down, lower my expectations, and step up my GAL.
I think he's avoiding it more than he thinks about it. And avoiding leaves the door open for all the sneaky crap.
It is a fine line, no doubt between fantasy and reality, for both of us. I know in my mind everything I need to do: challenge my emotions, focus on all the great things he's doing, and live happy. I'm pulling myself back up to that--still have a bit of a knot in my chest, but I'll beat this.
H's trip to OW's city is imminent. He said last night that he was going to leave today, but changed his mind. As far as I know, he's going any day.
I have really struggled with this the last several days, worrying that at minimum, she is pursuing him, and I don't even want to get into worst case territory. I was in true agony last night, worrying and fretting--all the while knowing that I have to stop!
I got on my knees and prayed. I gave it all to God. It's in His hands now, and honestly, that's where it needs to be. No amount of controlling behavior on my part will help H...or me for that matter. I am at peace now--I feel light-hearted and know that all things will work out the way they need to.
I know how uncomfortable that can be. My husband sometimes has to go out of town where OW is. Quite honestly, the first few times he did this (after we got "back together") I sort of freaked out and over-reacted. But more recently I've gotten better at handling it.
If they want OW it's going to happen regardless of what we do. Also they can meet a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc... OW at any time. Whose to say our husband's won't meet another OW tomorrow at work?
I look at it this way, my marriage can end at any time. My husband has done this to me more than once so I know there's a pattern. If it's going to continue or break, that I can't say, but I can't live my life worrying about it. You have to focus more on yourself. Focus on the kids, focus on career or school aspirations. What he does is part of his own weaknesses. You can't control it. You can love him and hope he eventually gains the wisdom to realize and decide that his wife and kids are the most important thing he has.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I appreciate your wisdom--I had many of those same thoughts this morning, so your comments are validating. If H is to heal, he has to seek and find it himself. He can't do it for me or her or any outside influence. And he needs his own time and space to do that. Or not.
Here's what I'm going to do for me: -start going to bed earlier -keep studying and learning how to improve my faith, communication and overall well-being -find a good solution-based marriage counselor to help me hone the skills I'm learning -keep working on choosing and directing my thoughts -take my kids to a movie this weekend -tackle some decorating and sewing projects -think of ways to show him my love without pressure/strings attached
Ah, Ben, thank you. You're right--it is out of my control. And I will do something fun tonight. I'm thinking of a relaxing evening with the cute kiddos.
I had a session with a DB coach earlier this week, and I think I've got my head wrapped around what I need to do for now.
1-Just let him be where he is for now, stop worrying about his feelings, etc. The fact that he is living at his parent's house is hugely symbolic and I need to stop fretting about it and accept it for what it is (I'm already on this path). Just let it BE.
2-Work on my 'reflective listening' skills--instead of reacting to his comments with MY feelings or support or defense, simply reflect what he says back to him and STOP TALKING. Everytime I express what I think or feel, etc., it puts the focus back on ME instead of him and he stops talking. This stuff should be so obvious and easy, but it's kind of challenging for this self-focused girl.
It's funny, so many of the things said in the DR book and by the coach--have been said in conversations before by my H. It's interesting that he gets those things--at least in connection with what I need to do. Wish he GOT how badly I need openness and honesty and reassurance. But I guess that's where the ball lands back in my court so I can grow.
So I'm rolling up my sleeves AGAIN, and getting to work.
