I thought everyone here has already determined all of her work for her???
A bit facetious I know but I feel I read much more about what Ms HD MUST do in this relationship in which HD is the one with the problem. I thought the biggest lesson about DBing was to focus on yourself partly to distract yourself, partly to fix your own issues, partly to relieve stress from the spouse so they can look at themselves without a spotlight, etc.
Last edited by fearless; 03/20/0706:29 PM.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I thought everyone here has already determined all of her work for her???
Interesting. It seems to me that everyone has determined all of Hairdog's work for him.
He's been at this for years, trying to figure her out, give her what she wants so that maybe she will start trying to figure out her sexuality. There seems to be a pervasive view that because it hasn't worked yet, Hairdog hasn't done what he's needed to. That if he'd just be more sensitive to her real issues, she'd come around. I understand that HD is here and MsHD isn't, but at what point do we decide the work to be done is MsHD's? When did you decide you'd done all the work you could in your M?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
There are many ways to wage war. HD will find that MrsHD is not an opponent to dismiss lightly. Yes, he needs to confront her, but he also needs to keep his objective in sight. That means playing to strengths and weaknesses.
HD, I see your strengths in patience and tenacity. Correct me if I’m wrong, but do you also carry a lighter workload, so that you have more spare time? If so, this is another advantage.
For you wife, I see her as being overloaded and pushed to her limit. I think she can summon up more reserves if she goes into full battle mode, but she might not last long before breaking.
So you can escalate the fight and see who is the strongest, or your can just ramp it up a little and fight a battle of attrition. I think you have the upper hand on the later tactic. To me, that means keep up the pressure, don’t back down, but don’t necessarily escalate to a major fight either. Make her uncomfortable. Push her back to the wall, then let her sit there and rage. She will eventually tire. Unless she bails out of the marriage, which I doubt, then you can keep pressing for more counseling, more exploration of her fears, in writing and verbally.
She has already told you that she is getting tired of all this right? So what is SHE going to do if you just keep up this level of pressure? Have you noticed that is the one issue she has nicely dodged?
Quote: ------------------------------------------------------- She has already told you that she is getting tired of all this right? So what is SHE going to do if you just keep up this level of pressure? Have you noticed that is the one issue she has nicely dodged? -------------------------------------------------------
She is going to push back until he stops pushing. She has already intimated the threat of divorce.
Again, HD is going to have to match her volley or lose the match. For all appearances, it IS a battle in MrsHD's mind.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Which is one of her sure-fire tactics. She knows she can outlast HD. He needs to garner the will to do battle, and be ready for the long haul if necessary. If she sees the whites of his eyes, she will know she has him. But I think she is on shakier ground than she realizes.
She has already intimated the threat of divorce.
I think that is all bluff. She seems to threaten a lot with out having to ever follow through. HD makes sure of that. So before assuming her threat is real, I think HD needs to test her on it…. but not too hard.
Remember Nop, just as you thought Ocean has an H with an addiction, and therefore the normal rules of relationships do not apply, I think MrsHD borders on some personality issues so the normal rules of confrontation may not apply. I think they do apply to an extent, but I think MrsHD has been operating her whole life from a fear avoidance stance rather than a pleasure seeking stance. That makes for completely different rules.
If HD pushes her too far into a corner, then she will act like a wild cornered animal. It is understandable that she would, since she might feel like she is literally fighting for her life. I think it is very important to keep her out of the “red zone.”
Again, HD is going to have to match her volley or lose the match. For all appearances, it IS a battle in MrsHD's mind.
I agree that she sees it as a battle, but just an extension of battles she has won repeatedly before. I think she might believe that this time she needs to give HD a little stronger medicine to make him settle down, but I think she would be totally surprised to learn that he has resolved to go toe-to-toe with her, and relentlessly return her volleys for as long as it takes.
This is why I stay persistent because we are still not on the same page. I know partly because I do not have all of HDs back story and I think partly because I am still not being understood (for whatever reason - let's not go there , please:)
He's been at this for years, trying to figure her out, give her what she wants so that maybe she will start trying to figure out her sexuality. There seems to be a pervasive view that because it hasn't worked yet, Hairdog hasn't done what he's needed to.
This is the exact stuff that I agree HD should drop. Look at what you just wrote. Over the years he has been doing all of this work ON HER and FOR HER to get what he wants. He is never going to be the solution to her issues if she does not see her issues. And for that matter I still feel like I do not understand what he really wants. If he just wants sex, is not getting it, then why he is still there?? My assumption,which is supporting by his statement below
The deal is, I really do enjoy being with her most of the time, and make no secret of that. We make each other laugh. We like similar things (food, entertainment, politics) and we both genuinely care for our DD5. There's plenty of good stuff here.
is that he does love her and wants this relationship to be "fixed."
I still see work for HD but not the way many others here seem to see and certainly not the way I think you think I mean. Most of the work I see has to do with figuring out how his own feelings and issues and concentrating on having himself.
Quote:
***Why is it that, after two, three, four years of me doing everything/anything to try to show her how much I love her, that she can so easily deflect my wants/needs?***
Come on HD, look at this question. This is the KEY. What IS the answer? Could it be that you were doing any and everything but what she needed? Don't take that personal; she may not have known what she needed any more that you did.
Is there confusion about my response to HD's question? I realize it may not have been clear. I did NOT mean that HD needs to figure out what MsHD needs. I meant for him to relieve himself of the pressure of working to MAKE her happy. To me it appears that he has been working extra hard to earn her attention to his wants and needs. That type of behavior in a relationship is usually frustrating for both partners. IMHO.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
IMO from my current perspective I think that if HD does exactly what NOP has recommended he will be in a Win/Win position. He just doesn't know it yet.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
HR, regarding nature, etc.... it might be interesting just to ask her the question, "Do you ever feel free anymore, or do you feel trapped most of the time?"
It's the Assumption of Good Will... if you really think she has no Good Will toward you left in her, then there's no point in hanging around.
What if we assume she is clearly and accurately representing her position-- even if she's doing it without a speck of diplomacy or caring. She doesn't want sex unless she feels loving. Her life is too crowded with responsibility for her to feel like ML. You have to give her credit for sticking to her guns (as only a Type 1 can do).
I saw something of you two in the Ryan and Cynthia story. Both feeling trapped.
Not much help, I know... just trying for a paradigm shift.
