So, are you envisioning me just basically saying "time to grit your teeth, honey, 'cause here I am,"
HD, To be clear, I would not ADVISE it from my POV. (and I am not sure that NOP actually does either) I am just saying that you can choose to escalate to that final win/lose position IF you really want to do that. NOP would be the one to contact for specific info.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Fearless, what is your suggestion to Hairdog? That he continue trying to determine what his W's love language is? That he continue digging into what it is she needs from him in order to feel desire for him? Or something that I've missed/overlooked?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Here are the options I would propose, or something to this effect:
1. W is to learn to have sex and work on not gritting her teeth. Arrange a mutually agreed upon schedule steadily decreasing “grinds” over xx period of months. 2. Go to joint counseling and bare both our souls to uncover our real need for love from each other and desires to be loved back 3. In our own mutually agreed upon weekly meeting schedule, work to bare both our souls to uncover our real need for love from each other and desires to be loved back 4. Let W suggest ways to grow the relationship, encourage EC, intimacy and vulnerability.
I did not think NOP was saying to de-escalate but I thought he captured the idea that this is escalation and what the effects of escalation may be. Thanks for keeping me on my toes although that is preventing me from answering your other questions!
And definitely I would NOT propose going back to what he has been doing. It clearly has not worked for either of them! As far as the de-escalation I brought up was not to AVOID the subject but to look at it from a different view point and concentrate on areas that may be less contentious. KEEP focused on the problem but look at the root causes and not directly at the problem.
My impression from HD's e-mail to Ms HD's response to some of HD's proposed responses was an escalation of personal feelings so each person would feel they have to dig in their heels to PROTECT themselves. That was why I proposed the simple e-mail addressing a possible core communication issue. Does MsHD understand what HD is asking for - 1) he does not want her to do something she does not want to 2) he possibly (I do not think I got a conclusive answer) does not believe that she loves him.
Does anyone here REALLY believe that it is so simple for MsHD to just turn off all of her feelings and just begin making love to HD tonight AND that all their problems would be solved? It seems she does have some serious issues that deserve to be considered. I am not talking about the "feminist rhetoric" which is just a smoke screen. I am talking about really hearing what is going on in her life. She desires time outdoors with nature and yet does not have that connection or time. If that desire is not met, she could subconsciously not feel as connected to herself and therefore HD. Just a thought. I would guess their may be many reasons.
As well as HD. Does he have things in his life that bring him a sense of accomplishment? Despite the issues in his marriage, where does he have a feeling of self-worth, direction ,etc.?
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Quote: -------------------------------------------------------- HD, To be clear, I would not ADVISE it from my POV. (and I am not sure that NOP actually does either) I am just saying that you can choose to escalate to that final win/lose position IF you really want to do that. NOP would be the one to contact for specific info. --------------------------------------------------------
I do advise it. HD and wife are entrenched in their relationship. The same was true of mine.
In my opinion, HD can wallow, deny, grumble, growl, yell in frustration, placate his wife, and dig 6 foot deep holes in his back yard to deal with his anger, but he will never move his relationship one single inch until he forces it into an unbalanced state.
The problem here is that HD either doesn't fully recognize the extent of his predicament, or he is unable to muster the fortitude to do something about it. Make no mistake about it, MrsHD has PLANTED the ball in his court. The next volley is his.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I have to say I agree with Nop all the way!! For HD to go up against this issue and not let it lie is a 180 for him. He will knock her off balance by not crawling away and burying this again.
In my opinion, HD can wallow, deny, grumble, growl, yell in frustration, placate his wife, and dig 6 foot deep holes in his back yard to deal with his anger,
I agree HD has been doing this. It has been useless to fixing the problem, his wife is more frustrated than ever AND is has been detrimental to HD in the process.
My opinion about what he can do different does not seem to register here but that is okay. I am okay with him taking options #3 and 4 if that is what he must and if he is fully prepared for the results. I was proposing an OPTION #5.
Quote:
but he will never move his relationship one single inch until he forces it into an unbalanced state.
This i don't understand. His relationship looks pretty darn unbalanced to me right now.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
The problem here is that HD either doesn't fully recognize the extent of his predicament, or he is unable to muster the fortitude to do something about it. Make no mistake about it, MrsHD has PLANTED the ball in his court. The next volley is his.
I agree with this line of thinking. I'd add though that the escalation with the email choices approach is not a great one. Others have mentioned it already but I will reiterate, you are STILL putting the ball in her court to make a damm decision! I've also said it a million times that she will respect you SO much more if you make the decision yourself. Take a stand and run with it.
