Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Please tell me there is a happy ending!?!?!

I haven’t posted in a while. I thought maybe things were looking up! I thought maybe small steps were being made… and maybe they are… or maybe I just have my hopes WAY up and I will just be let down.

My story in as few words as I can come up with. Engaged Oct of 2001. H lost his job in Dec of 2001 AFTER we bought a house. H declared bankruptcy in Feb of 2002. Married July of 2002. Aug of 2002 H gets a job. Normal 1st year of marriage had our good times.. had our bad times. May of 2003 my grandmother dies, 1st death of someone close to me since I was four. Sept of 2003 my grandfather dies who I was VERY close to. Dec 2003 his grandmother dies, May 2004 my uncles dies. Very rough 2nd and 3rd year of marriage. Lots of arguing. I was depressed and not dealing well with my personal losses I felt like a failure in my marriage b/c my H was telling me all the time how I wasn’t putting him 1st how I was being selfish etc. March 2005 H left. He filed for divorce 30 days later. Late May early June of 2005 we started working on us getting back together. July we started couples MC. July 2005 he “dropped” the divorce. Me moved home in Sept of 2005. Things were good and getting better. We had issues to work on but I thought things had a promise to them and that we had a plan going forward. Then Jan of 2006 we had 2 big arguments and 4 days into the new year he moved out and on the Jan 17, 2006 filed for divorce again. No contact from Jan to March. Speaking terms from March on. D final in June of 2006. We have been talking, spending time together and maintaining a physical relationship since April of 2006. He has gone on dates but there has been no one woman, other than his best friends mother, who is says is like his mom, she cooks dinner for him almost every night. He spends 2-3 hours at her house every night. Spends Friday and Saturday nights at her house and hanging out with her (she is 56 he is going to be 28).

It isn’t a pretty story but it is mine. I accept the things I did wrong in our marriage and I accept that there are things I need to do to change for the better. I am doing the best I can to change those things. I am trying to change the way I deal with stresses in my life. I am trying to realize that I don’t need to try to be perfect. That I need to set my standards and live up to those not those of society or others. I am doing the best I can to grow as a person…. That being said I also feel so stuck and alone.

I had dinner/ or I made dinner for XH tonight. One of the 1st things he asked when I walked in was, "Why are you wanting to make me dinner." I simply told him, I wanted to try a new dish and he was willing to eat it. He then told me that he just wanted to make sure that this wasn't attempt to win him back. Because we are over and we are never getting back together. I said okay I know. (While I say that, we all know that IS NOT what I want, but we can't say that to our Xs can we!) Then there was some more emphatic, we aren't getting back together etc... etc. spew. Then someone there was a point when he asked me if there was anything I wanted to say. I asked him if maybe he could explain why he left. That I was still confused why he left.

He said that is was because we can not live together. We have tried and failed twice. I said I didn't agree with that. And then he said he didn't want to talk about it b/c we would end up arguing. I said not disagreeing is not arguing it is disagreeing. I then ask what did he mean we coudl not live together. He really could not put his finger on it, he said he was better at specifics. So I asked him did he think I was having a affair with a male friend of mine. He said yes and no. He said that is part my fault and part his. He doesn't trust anyone, and do "i know why he doesn't trust anyone? Becauese everyone he ever cared about in his life has hurt him and left him." I then jumped up and down and said, except me! He said I never physcially left him but he feels I emotionally left him. (Which I understand to some extent why he felt that way, I am not saying he is right, but I can see where me might feel that.) He says in the line of people who have hurt him I have def. hurt him the least. I told him getting hurt is part of loving. That everyone gets hurt. No one means to hurt someone but it happens, but that doesn't mean they can't be together. He said that he can push people away who have hurt him, he isn't saying it is right or healthy but it is what he does.

My heart is breaking again.... I feel bad that he feels I emotionally left him. As I said I can see it, but part of it was to save me. Things weren't healthy and I needed to close off to save my soul. I need to make me healthy before I lost all of me. I started to move that direction and I thought things were getting better when he left. And the hardest part of it all is that he has NEVER seen a "normal" realtionship. He think relationships are where everyone agrees most of the time, there is no heartache, there is do sad/bad times, that people don't have philisophical things that they need to work out throughout the marriage.

Part of me feels like I let him down. He took the chance on me and I could not come through... but on the other hand I know I did all that I could. I can't lose myself in the process. But I just fear that he won't be willing to take that leap again with me. That he is too afraid of what everyone will say about him and about us. I feel like he is always pushing me away to see if I will really leave him. Because the min. I do he will point and say, "See I told you, you never really loved me. You walked away from me."

This is all very ironic too, because he has hurt me time and time again. I told him that he has hurt me time and time again, and that I had enough faith and love for him that I never left him. I just got back up and waited. That if I lived my life the way he did the 1st two times he hurt me when we were dating I would have left him and never given him another chance. He said yes that is true. I said, I didn't and that has to say something about how much I loved/cared for you.

I don't know. Part of me sees him softening and easing up... but part of me thinks... what am I doing. I have so much to offer someone, why should I spend another year here, "hoping" he changes his mind. (I have decided that after the 2007-2008 school year I will move back to my hometown. I need the support of my family, I have done enough of this on my own. I need to be surrounded by people who love me and people who will do things with me. My support network here is pretty much zero.)

I don't know.... I am really sorry this is soooo long. I guess I just really need some encouragement. I need to know that following my heart and listening to what it is telling me is the right thing to do. I mean this time last year anytime I contacted him he threatened a restraining order... so.. I guess there has been some progress.

Thank you!
R2

Sometimes we all need a pat on the back and a good pick me up. I have been feeling the needs for one of those for a while. Maybe it is just me, but I do tire, or everyone telling me how much better of I am without my XH. That I should be happy that I don't have to deal with him anymore. That I have so much to offer someone, I just need to get out there. Or that is have been almost 2 years since he left the 1st time and over a year since he left this last time, I just need to move on and get over it.

Sometimes I just wish someone would tell me how proud they are of me. How proud they are of how I have dealt with this all. How they are proud that I was so strong and continue to be strong during such a hard time. That it is okay to be sad and to cry every now and again still, that it is only natural. That it is okay to still love him. That it is okay to still care for him and worry about it. That it is okay to talk about him, and not feel guilty or feel like people are rolling their eyes at me.

I guess it would just be nice to have that supportive shoulder to cry on when I need a good cry. The kind of shoulder that loves me unconditionally and knows when I need to just be held and when I need a reality check.

Just looking for someone to tell me I am "normal".

R2

R2,

I am sorry you are going through this. After reading your thread I want to remind you that this is his problem, not yours. It sounds like he has some BIG issues to deal with. You are normal. You did nothing wrong in your relationship but be human. Any one who has gone through what you have is an amazing, strong person. This will come in handy as life goes on. It is o.k. to love your husband and to remember the good times. It is up to you if you want to keep DBing for the relationship or not.

I am here to tell you there is a happy ending, with or without H. Are you trying to "get a Life", pursuing your interests, taking care of yourself? Being around your family sounds healthy for you. Everyone in this situation needs support. Pray about this decision and see what happens. Your letting H dump his problems on you. Show him you can live without him. Detach.

HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS

Just curious for anyone who has seen their X go into the withdrawl phase, how long did it last?

I am just having a really really really rough time right now. The short story is I was told by my XH that he doesn't want to speak to me anymore. That he needs to abstain for things that cause him emotional angst, and while he doesn't admit it 100% of the time being around me causes him angst and probably always will.

I am sure I will write more this weekend since my heart just aches.
Thanks!
R2

Okay so here is the "drama"...
Since my post in mid Feb. Everything has been normal. Talking to him on a regular basis seeing him once a week etc. Then things started getting "rocky" at work the week after valentines day. THen he had his birthday on the 26th. It was snowy and icky out but I talked to him to see if I could bring over his presents. He called after work and said to come over. He was kind of down. He had spent all day (Even though he had taken the day off) fielding calls from his crazy boss. I gave him the presents and he was thankful. No one called him, except his brother, while I was there. His mom didn't call his friends didn't call, and I felt bad for him, but I felt good that at least I was there for him.

I went over there two days later and spent sometime. And found out apprently his whole office knows we are still having a physcial relationship. That apprently his office manager had noticed he had been "happier" and asked if he had been sleeping with me and he said yes. I was irritated that he was sharing that with people, but then on the other hand it didn't surprise me.

Then we had LOTS Of snow that Thursday and Friday. He called me Friday morning b/c he was short with me in an e-mail on thursday. We talked for two mins and he said he would call later (i think this is his bye, b/c he really never calls later).

I e-mail him a few times over the weekend. He doesn't respond. I e-mail him once during the week... no response. I IM him the beginning of this week. I get that he is tired and work is still being rough etc. He says he will call me later.

Then Thursday during the day I send him the following e-mail... and I get the following responses.
Me to H: "Be interested in exchanging a back rub tonight for a back setting? My back has been killing me and I can't seem to get it to pop.

If you are interested just e-mail me at school. It would not be until 8:30ish, (so if you had dinner plans it would not interfere) I have conferences tonight. And if you want quiet I promise not to babble on. ;-)



I hope today is going well for you!

Take care,
R2"

H to Me: "I do appreciate the offer, but I'll pass. I'm trying to take a new direction in life, and, that means stopping some things that may physically feel good...but that mentally/emotionally don't as much. Before you ask me the 20 questions...the answer to all of them is no. What I said above is the extent of why I'm declining your offer...no matter how tempted I am. ;-)



Take care and I hope you're doing well too!

-H"

Me to H:"Does this mean we are no longer friends? That we can no longer see each other or talk to each other? Did I do something to upset you? Sorry that is three questions. And yes I have 20, but I guess I will leave it at three for now.



Last time we talked everything seemed fine. I knew something was up…. Just didn't know what.

(and as usual I feel that I need to say I am sorry if I have done anything to make you feel uncomfortable, or have hurt you emotionally or mentally.)



Take care,
R2"

H to me: "I said that the answer to all of those questions was no. No means no, remember?

I just think it's best that I abstain from things that cause me emotional angst. Whether I admit it 100% of the time or not, being around you has an emotional cost to me. I'm sure it always will. For now, I've decided that keeping to myself is what I need to do.

I won't accept an apology that isn't necessary. You didn't do anything...you have known me long enough to know that if you did something I wasn't happy about...I would tell you.

Please leave out the additional questions...the answer has already been given.

Take care,
H"

So there is the drama. I just feel like crap. I never wanted a divorce, EVER!! And if I had to have one I wanted one where I could remain friendly with my ex. I still love him very much and would do almost anything to work through our problems and create a better and new realtionship. I still feel very much responsible for him (I know I shouldn't but I do.) I promised to never leave him. I promise that while he will push me away at times I would always be there just out of the way to not be a problem but close enough to be there if he needed me.

I don't want to go through life not talking to him. And the thought of having to do that breaks my heart all over again. I don't want much. I just want to be able to e-mail him and say "Hi what is going on? Things going well?" I am okay with not seeing him, but no contact at all, is not something I have ever been able to do. I can go a month or so, but then I just need to know that he is okay. I just want him to be happy, either with me or without me. And while I am sure he will tell people he is happy, I know he isn't. He is just hiding from life. He is medicating himself and hiding from his reality.

And speaking of his reality, why does being around me have an "emotional cost" to him? He wanted this! He wanted the divorce he wanted it, and he got it. So why isn't he happy?? Why hasn't this brought him the relief that he wanted? Why would seeing me cause him emotional harm? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

And I recognize and acknowledge this is probably all part of his QLC/MLC, that I am hoping this is the withdrawl phase (Which I would LOVE to know more about. How long? When the start to move to acceptance what does that look like?)

It just makes me mad that he is so contrite and arrogant to believe that all the questions I have could be answered with NO. Because technically he said that no, it doesnt' mean we can't be friends. I just want to know what direction he is trying to head in his life? I want to know why I cause him emotional pain? Why if this is what he wanted isn't he as happy as can me? Why is it that he couldn't be honest with me? Why didn't he just call me and talk to me? Why does he run like this all the time? Why is he resistant to having an honest converstaion with me about our past relationship and why he is making this choice now? Why can't there be some middle ground? Why does he "hide" and his 57 year old best friend's mom' house all the time? Why doesn't he live the life of a normal 28 year old single man? Why does he need her to make him dinner every night and hang out with her every weekend? And why does he continue to break his word to me? He promised to love me forever and stay with me... then he promised me that he didn't want to live without me that we were going to make this crazy thing called marriage work.... then he told me he didn't want to hurt me. He broke all those promises...so shouldn't it be me who is emotionally wounded and hurt when I see him!?!

I would love any and all advice. I know I am not a real regular here.... but I hope to get some responses!

Thanks!
R2

Hi R2, I've never posted to you, just read your latest post....I think, if I may give you some advice, that you should leave him be for a while, he really needs some space and you are pushing yourself on him with all your loving feelings. He can't breathe, and he needs to in order to sort stuff out. He also needs some time by himself to do that - he is telling you exactly that. It doens't mean that he will NEVER come back, or be friends or anything like that...he just needs some time out NOW....

I hope you find it in yourself to give him that, give him some space to breathe, you will see, once you stop pressuring he will initiate the contact, and if he does, don't jump on it....take it slow...loving but slow !!!!

Ok, I hope I haven't offended you in anyway....take care, go out and have some fun !!

R2,
Cinders has given you the straight scoop on what is going through the mind of your h. Please stop pursuing him. Your h needs a lot of space and time to heal and to miss you. The more you pursue, the more he's going to run the other way. Stop contacting him and I promise you, he'll start pursuing you. It's the distancer/pursuit game.

Time to turn the focus on back on to yourself and go on w/your life for a while. The alien will phone home again very soon.

Oh no not withdrawal.......you are in the beginning stages of the rollercoaster ride from hell.....things will get much worse before they get better......read resources at top.....re=read resources at top and live by them.....expect an OW...the majority do have an affair...sorry to say.....vent here....cry here....not at your H...I have been at this year with no end in sight.....Cinders is right ...he needs time alone away from you to go thru this crisis.

Cinders, Sndderly and PWS,
Thank you so much for your comments. I know that is probably what he needs. I need to give him the chance to live that life of the single man. I can't jump when he needs me (when he has gotten sick I have gone over to care for him). That is the hardest part of all of this... to leave him alone and not be concerned for him and to not check in with him is NOT my personality. So it is hard to do what is needed or to deny my personality and who I am at my core, a caring person.

I guess it would all be so much easier (or in my mind) if we weren't already divorced. If we were just seperated there would be stings that were still keeping us attached. In my case there is nothing, so PWS he is free to go and be with other women. I won't be an affair, as we are not married. Sadly I would almost prefer that there was another woman he left me for, or who he is persuiing. But there isn't. It is just him, pushing me away.

And I of course in my overly reactive mind assume it is b/c he is having a hard time dealing with the choice that he made. That maybe leaving me was not the right choice. He says everyone he has ever cared about has left him and I think in his heart he knows I didn't/haven't and wouldn't. And I think given his history that is hard for him to deal with. that he walked away from the one person who truly loved him for being him.

It is just so hard knowing that all these other people who don't really care about him are able to see him, talk to him and e-mail him, and I can't. He might say that they are his friends, but they aren't. They have an agenda. His 57 year old friend her agenda is that her husband died 4 years ago and she is lonely and doesn't want to be alone, so my XH fills that for her. If she really truly cared for him she would know that it isn't healthy for him to spend every day and weekend with her. He needs to live his own life. But she won't ever see it that way b/c she needs him.

Also is she cared about him should would not encourage/promote his use of pot. All that is doing is depressing him even more. It is a cycle that isn't good for him and that is not doing anything to help him lead and good and healthy life. That is what makes me so sad that I see him spiraling down and there is nothing I can do to stop it. THere is no one I can call to help him there is nothing I can do. It is so hard to sit by and watch someone you love crashing. And maybe it isn't as bad as I think, maybe everyone is right that he is just doing this to hurt me. That everything he does it to hurt me, but I like to believe/I know that he loves me, he has told me and I just think that he doesn't know how to deal with unconditional love. He has never had it and therefore it scares him and he runs from it...I don't know.

PWS- I do hoe that you are wrong though. I hope I am MOSTLY through this ride. This started two years ago. And while I can sit on this ride for a while longer, I am not sure if I can do this much past a couple of more years. I want children and at 30 I don't have the luxury of waiting him out. I can only HOPE that by the time he turns 30 he will have figured this out.

I just want to see him happy again. I know I didn't cause his unhappiness, that started long ago, but I feel bad that I didn't know a better way to deal with the things that went wrong in our marriage.

I don't like this kind of game. I prefer games like "Truth and more Truth and honesty!" I have played this distancer/pursuit game with him too long, I just hope we can find a new game to play together soon!

Okay I will stop babbling!
Thanks for listening!

Do our Xh/h know that we love them and will take them back even if we don't tell them?

While I have been AWFUL about not contacting my Xh during this past year, I have been very good about not talking about he and I getting back together, telling him I loved him, or talking about our past relationship. I have been very good about saying that I understand, when he tells me we aren't getting back together (he has only said this once), I didn't respond to him when he sent me an e-mail telling me that despite what he has said in the past, he did love me, still does and probably always will. When he asked about why I didn't say anything about it, I just told him I appreciated it and I felt the same way, but there wasn't a conversation needed about it. As you can tell from my above post we did briefly discuss our relationship, but I kept it short and didn't push.

Now I just worry that with us no talking that I have missed the chance to tell him that I do love him and that if he ever changes his mind I would be open to working on a new relationship with him.

What do you think?
Thanks!
r2