Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Happiness, is it even possible.

GGB,

Great post. This is exactly what I was trying to say.

Choc,
It takes that because until it gets to the breaking point, the spouse hasn't a clue how much it is hurting. To her, it is more just an itch that would feel good to be scratched, not an overwhelming need. She can't understand why you are making a big deal about it because she doesn't feel the same need. When you reach the breaking point, she gets a glimpse of how much you are really hurting, and that is a sharp reminder that you are wired differently than she is. A traumatic event like a threat of divorce is seen as a loud cry which forces a level of communication that may normally be missing.

Intellectually, I know MrsGGB's LL is acts of service. I know this is how she feels loved, but I don't always "get it". To me, it usually feels more like charity or a chore. I do it when I remember to, but more times than not it isn't even on my radar because to me it isn't a need. Likewise, MrsGGB doesn't really "get it" with my need for PT and QT. She does it when she remembers or is reminded, but it doesn't come naturally to her. We are both better at meeting the other's LL when our communication is stronger. I think that is because intimate communication gets us more in tune with each other so that we are a little more capable of feeling what the other is feeling.

Think about what your W's LL is. How natural is it for you to express your love in her LL? I bet it takes a ton of effort on your part to do it without occasional reminders, and to do it fluently so that it doesn't come across as patronizing.

See, that's what I mean. If he's keeping a scoreboard of what he does for her vs what she does for him, how is his "giving in her LL" any different than her "just doing it" for him? He's said in the past that he's not interested in her just doing it, that he needs to feel desire from her. Let's say her LL is acts of service. If he is doing acts of service, is he coming across as doing them quid pro quo, or are they really coming across as expressions of love? I'll bet they are coming across no different than her just doing it is coming across to him.

Thanks. Yeah, answering that was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me too. Hearing you say that I, an HDH, said exactly what you were trying to say is heartening, as it is confirmation that I am indeed getting it.

GGB,

It is not natural at all. But I do it, because I love her. And I don't blame CeMar for expecting anything less than some effort in this regard from his wife, ASSUMING that he is speaking to her LL at least on some sort of regular basis.

Choc.

GGB,

If the scorecard is kept in your head, in the form of "I just don't see where he/she is working on this relationship nearly as much as I am; I don't feel loved" and NOT spoken to the spouse or even worn on one's sleeve, then I don't see anything wrong with it

A man may not feel comfortable giving flowers to a woman. If he learns that she loves them, and receiving them make her feel loved, then he should give them to her often, as an expression of his love for her. And he has an obligation to make the effort.

In my opinion.

Choc.

I disagree. A scorecard, whether on paper or in your head, implies you are looking for a return on your investment rather than giving a gift. That difference is near impossible to hide to an astute observer.

If it becomes an "obligation", it is no longer a gift freely given, is it?

Choc,

When I first started lurking and reading Cemar's posts and my H's posts, they seemed quite similar to me. This makes me think that Cemar may be approaching things with his W the same way that H approached me.

I'll preface this by saying that while we have never had what could be considered a "great " SL, we did have times where things weren't that bad. I thought that the periods where we ML once a week was fine, but H just told me that he felt I was "gritting my teeth" then. This is news to me. I didn't feel that way at all. Of course, we never talked about it then.

After my son was born, the last thing I wanted was sex. I was so completely overwhelmed with being a new mother and I was dealing with mild PPD as well. In those days, sex was absolutely a chore. I simply had nothing left for H at the end of the day (and his smoking definitely didn't help things).

H first showed me the SSM book when S3 was less than a year old. When I saw the book, my internal reaction was, "are you kidding me? I just can't deal with this now. I'm barely keeping my head above water. I have no energy to even THINK about this, never mind read a book and try to put some things into practice." I did read the book, but I had a hard time seeing it as anything other than more work that would be added to my already full plate.

H just now told me that he knew I felt overwhelmed and he didn't want to add anything else to my plate, but he had just bought the SSM book and read it and thought it might help me understand his POV.

Fast forward a year. I'm now lurking on another board where H is posting. I'm reading about other women talking about their great SLs. S3 is now 18 months and I'm feeling a little better about myself.

Even so, each night after I put S3 to bed, I come down the stairs, figuring out when H and I ML last, and either being elated that it was the night before (and that didn't happen too often) so I'd be off the hook, or thinking "oh crap, it's been a while, I suppose I'm going to have to do this tonight."

I DID NOT see ML as anything other than something that H needed. Don't get me wrong, I am usually orgasmic (as long as I'm not on SSRIs) and I always enjoyed ML while it was happening, but I just couldn't summon up enough energy or what-have-you to want to start ML in the first place.

H was often sarcastic or seemed "cold" to me because he was so unhappy. He seemed so unapproachable that I was afraid to tell him what I wanted. His sarcasm and coldness made me want to avoid ML even more, because it seemed to me that he didn't even love me.

Around this time I was talking to to my mother about my R, and she asked me how my SL was. I said it was bad and that I didn't even care. (She advised me to try to fix things, saying that a good SL is really important to an R. This did help.) I was really hurting because I felt unloved. I had never felt so unloved by my H as I did at this time. H and I were so distant. He had completely stopped initiating and the distance between us made it impossible for me to talk to him about it. There were a few times that I hinted about ML (I felt uncomfortable coming right out and asking) and H put his hand up to my forehead in a mock attempt to see if I had a fever. This made me feel just awful. He was in so much pain that he mocked my fledgling efforts to initiate. I stopped even hinting after that.

Shortly after the convo with my mother, H and I had a HUGE fight. This was significant because we never fought much. After the fight we started talking. I had periods where I tried to become HD because I really wanted to make my H happy. Those attempts were short-lived. H tried to quit smoking to make me happy. That didn't work either. Only recently I realized that I could only have a chance at truly being HD if I wanted it for myself.

Since the big fight we've had good periods and bad. (2 steps forward, 1 step back.) We've had moments where I thought the M wouldn't survive. We've had moments where everything seemed perfect. In spite of all that I can still say, "I want a great M/SL, and I'm going to do the work to make it happen!"

I understand.

Hi, Mrs.cac4.


Quote:
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"I want a great M/SL, and I'm going to do the work to make it happen!"
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That is a great attitude!

-NOPkins-