Lil:I SOOOOOO wanted the next relationship after my husband died to be the happy, love of my life relationship. I don't know where I went wrong. Even now, I don't.
Burg:I suspect the question answers itself.
Sorry, "cryptic" doesn't work for me.
I very much value your comments, Burg, but I can't interpret this one.
I think you were asking the guys specifically plus I think that you have received a lot of great answers too. I liked LFL's and mrscac's especially!
That said I will still throw my two cents out there. I think you really should look inward and figure out what message you feel want to send with your clothes. If you want to project a sexy, individualistic personality out to the world, that's great. The only thing I would wonder is whether wearing a 15 year old's outfit really sends that message? On the other hand maybe you want to send the message that you like youthful clothes and are hot enough to carry it off (like mrs cac, I say great :)), then go for it!! Just be true to yourself and I think you'll feel great.
It's funny but when I see older women wearing youthful clothes there seem to be 2 camps. Those that seem like they are trying too hard and trying to desperately hold on to their youth and there are others that seem relaxed and natural with their clothes. There just seems to be an attitude with the clothes, makeup and hair that send that message. My 84 year old grandmother seems to balance out the old woman stuff with a natural relaxed youthful look. My friends always comment how chic she seems. She has fine thin gray hair that is cut extremely short. Doesn't wear much makeup except for a splash of red lipstick. Still wears high heels that aren't the shoes a 20 year old would wear but certainly they aren't old lady shoes! Somehow she always looks youthful and fun while looking COMFORTABLE with herself. AND I think that's what you are really looking to be - a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. Am I right?
I go through similar thoughts about my clothes and what statements I want to make. My message I want to send is different than yours but I am still struggling with defining that message and then taking the time to shop for the clothes that will send that personal message. I hate to shop so the shopping part is more difficult for me. Plus finding what I want is not as easy for me so shopping can be irritating.
Anyway, as far as guys I think you'll probably find a wide spectrum there. My Boyfriend in high school hated mini-skirts and not just on me. He would point out one of the hottest girls at our school and say "See how awful that looks on her"? Weird I know but everyone has different taste. (I still wore mine anyway!) Some guys may not even notice the clothes but just see you while others might be distracted by the clothes. That's why I think it is more important that you feel good and happy about how your clothes reflect your feelings.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
My point was that you had a deeply held desire/goal/expectation for your next relationship. In that mindset (been there, recently) it's very easy to slide away from seeing the other person as just exactly who they are and slide into seeing them as the other half the relationship you want/desire/expect.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I believe that you have "earned" your way out of the marriage.
So do I.
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Most people want to talk about significant or traumatic events in their life. It is perfectly normal and healthy to engage in such banter. It only becomes unhealthy when it is used to belittle, disrespect, or it becomes an obsession. Stating facts about a previous relationship is not disrespect. Your attitude does, however, matter. Even so, some anger is normal.
Exactly. What I said about my H was simply the equivalent of telling somebody that I just escaped Hurricane Katrina and it might be affecting my current mental/emotional state. I was just being honest and informative, not disrespectful or whiny. I am well aware of the fact that I would only make myself look bad if I were to do that. I do have a certain amount of disrespect for my 2BX but it has less to do with our sexual incompatibility and more to do with the fact that he told me "We do not have a happy family life." in an attempt to evade responsibility for ensuring that we would.
You will, I'm sure, not be surprised to hear that my 2BX is not making a good adjustment or even fully accepting the fact that we are divorcing. He "snuck" into the house to use my computer and he took it upon himself to take the dog out. He also has called me "Babe" on more than one occasion since we split. Clearly, I'm going to have to do something about this.
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Dress how you feel. I personally like curves. I think that regardless of what a television show says, that most men like curves. If you feel like dressing young, then have fun. You are an intelligent woman. You most certainly understand appropriateness in dress by this time in your life. No reason not to have fun with your figure at least some of the time.
Actually, I probably like dressing a little fun/funky/young/somewhat-inappropriate because I am such an intelligent woman. I am also a contrarian so it amuses me to dress/look the opposite of what a female nerd is "supposed" to dress/look like. I like the reaction I get when what comes out of my mouth doesn't "match" what's popping out of my t-shirt.-LOL
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
That's why I think it is more important that you feel good and happy about how your clothes reflect your feelings.
Thank you for your comments. I agree with this one completely. P.S. - I hate shopping too. Especially trying on bathing suits when it's March in Michigan and that fake tan stuff isn't working for me. Yikes!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I agree with what Nop says. IMO there are two sides to this bad-mouthing your ex issue. One is that the bad-mouthing is projection and a reflection of unresolved responsibility, a sign that dysfunction still exists and could be a problem later, as Lil has put forth. The other is that he says his wife is a b!tch because she was a b!tch, oure an simple. As long has he does not dwell on it and has worked through it, I see that as a healthy acceptance of the facts( maybe will a little bias too). But do you really want someone who is so diplomatic as to never say anything bad about their ex? If that ex was so great, why are they divorced. To me that is a red flag too.
Regarding you clothes, I say everything in moderation. You want to look younger, then dress younger, but don’t go over board and dress cheap. Don’t try too hard. Remember, you need to put your self in the shoes on those single men you are trying to attract. You will be compared to those they normally see. Too far off the scale and you will look like a hooker and possibly scare away the one you want. Too far the other way and you will look like a grandma, and scare off other men.
IMO, you need to dress how you feel, but you changing your clothes is not really for that purpose, is it? You are trying to find a man. Not long ago you felt the real you was to dress frumpy and comfortable. Was that the real you, or is the tight Old Navy outfit the real you?
The opinion of men on this board IS important for one reason only. You are trying to find your new direction and really don’t have a clue what that direction is, at least not yet. You will. But in the meantime, as you test out one form of validation after another, the opinion of men here might help you avoid a lot of heartache.
Too far off the scale and you will look like a hooker and possibly scare away the one you want.
The one that I want won't be scared off because sometimes I dress like a hooker. The one that I want won't be scared off because sometimes I dress like an absent-minded librarian/gardener. The one that I want won't be scared off because I got 2370 on my GREs. The one that I want won't be scared off because I am generally kind, easy-going and openly affectionate. The one that I want won't be scared off because I am frequently provocative as hell. The one that I want won't be scared off because there probably isn't hardly a thing in the "Guide to Getting It On" that I am not willing or able to do. The one that I want won't be scared off because there are probably over 100 things in the "Guide to Getting it On" that I am bound and determined to do some day. The one that I want won't scare easy. As for all the rest, "Next!".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hey, I think I just wrote my personal ad. I'll just change the last line to something like "Don't feel bad if you're not up for the challenge, but please step aside before my new man runs you over.".
Yup, I think I'll either go with that or steal MrsNOP's idea and simply post the lyrics to "I'm Your Man".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Comments on the state of modern love from Daniel Jones, the editor of the New York Times column of that name (edited for length-- the original can be found "You're Not Sick; You're Just in Love."
Jones is also the author of a terrific book called, The Bastard on the Couch where men talk frankly about what's really going on inside their heads.
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* In pursuing love, electronic communication allows us to be more reckless, fake, distracted and isolated than ever before.
According to the personal accounts I've read, men and women today are apt to plunge into love affairs via text message, cut them off by PowerPoint, lie about who they are and what they want in forums and blogs and online dating sites, pretend they're young when they're old and old when they're young, ignore the people they're physically with for those who are a keystroke away, shoo their children off their laps to caress their BlackBerrys, and spend untold hours staring at pixilated porn stars when they should be working, socializing, taking care of their children or sleeping.
It begs the question: Has electronic communication officially become the most seductive mistress of all time?
* The number of women being dumped by men ''for no reason'' appears to remain high.
Many of the essays and letters I've received about breakups indicate that despite whatever progress men and women have made in actually being able to talk about what's going on in their relationships, many men are still choosing to end relationships with women ''for no reason.'' Time and again I hear about a man withdrawing from a relationship and ceasing all contact ''for no reason'' that the woman can decipher.
When the tables are turned, however, women seem to have little trouble explaining to men why it's over. Whether the man accepts the explanation, believes it or even hears it is another matter.
* Nearly everyone cyberstalks.
If anyone has ever had a crush on you (yes, including grade school), then you almost certainly have been ''cyberstalked,'' probably at a time when your stalker was feeling trapped in a suffocating marriage. Ex-wives and ex-husbands also seem to cyberstalk each other in an apparent attempt to determine levels of happiness or sadness.
One woman even stumbled upon her previously philandering and now remarried ex-husband on a Web forum and -- under an assumed name and identity of course -- decided to flirt with him for a few weeks until he asked her out, which made her feel a little sick but also led her to the liberating realization that the cheating he'd done in their marriage likely had little, if anything, to do with her.
* Reconnecting with an old high school or college sweetheart late in life seems to result in happiness more often than not.
In one of the few positive developments I've noticed, a majority of the stories submitted involving sweethearts who reconnect (via cyberstalking, naturally) after decades of being married to someone else have strongly positive outcomes. You might think people would be afraid of what they might find after 40 years, not to mention worried about how they might appear themselves, and usually they are. But the emotional sequence upon meeting is commonly a rush of familiarity followed by relief, connection, comfort, happiness.
[snip]
* Marriage seems to be as confusing and politically charged as ever.
For many couples, husbands and wives continue to struggle to figure out what roles they're supposed to play these days: Who's supposed to earn, clean, cook, shop, care for the children, and manage it all? Although people pay lip service to the idea of respecting individual choices, modern marriage, particularly for mothers of young children, is a tinderbox of high-octane feelings that explodes at the slightest spark.
When Ayelet Waldman wrote in this space that her marriage (and its passion) was the central relationship in her life and that her children were tangential, legions of mothers howled in praise and protest. It was a warning shot across the bow of today's child-centered parents who often sacrifice their marriages (and sex lives) on the altar of child rearing.
And only six weeks ago, when Terry Martin Hekker told her own cautionary tale of how being a stay-at-home mother had left her vulnerable when her husband of 40 years divorced her, the yowls of praise and protest began again. So much for domestic tranquillity any time in the near future.
* Online dating is found by many to be scary, fun, miraculous, hollow.
Large numbers of people report approaching online dating with great trepidation, then quickly embracing it for the great fun and smorgasbordlike temptation it presents, then allowing themselves to imagine that the person with whom they are corresponding is their one true love, and finally facing profound disappointment when the process ends in a face-to-face meeting with an actual, flawed human being who doesn't look like a JPEG or talk like an e-mail message.
Interesting. The thing is I know that I am the most likely person on the planet to suffer from literary infatuation. When I was a little girl I had daydreams about being best friends with Laura Ingalls Wilder. However, I am also the most likely person to easily recover from literary infatuation. I just pick up the next book and start a whole new fantasy.
When I worked at the world headquarters for one of the biggest super bookstore chains in the world, I had the opportunity to meet many famous and semi-famous authors. I had little desire to do this even though I really loved some of their writing. I knew that the reality might disappoint. (There are exceptions to this rule. Toni Morrison is as wonderful in person as her writing and my friend who slept with Sebastian Junger gave him thumbs up for real-life manliness also.).
It makes perfect sense that nobody is as uniformly attractive in person as in their internet portrait or photo. The same way that it makes perfect sense that nobody is as uniformly attractive over the course of a LTR as they are during the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. What catches someone's eye in the store window is not necessarily what they will buy once they enter the store and almost certainly not what will make them a frequent shopper but that doesn't mean that it makes no sense to merchandise.-LOL
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
