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Please see my sitch in the links below...

Dealing with the DB books since late Aug, was out here (DB World)reading for months and finally posted for the first time in Feb.

I have grown personally due to DB and have learned a lot from the group - I hope to get as much help here too!!

Well I am torn between this group and the infidelity group. I really believe we are moving into piecing. H said buh bye to Ow this past Sunday and she has "only" txt msg once and called once but he told me about them immediately (he has a lying issue to get over with). Last night he told his Mom he was done with her too. Told her we may need to go to a C - this is good.

He is staying at the apt and limiting contact with me so he can be sure is over her but the signs look good. We are still having family dinners/events so we still see each other 4 or 5 nights anyways...hard not to with 2 kids right!

I know he's not there yet to talk serious R stuff yet - saw that on Monday after my C session. Still defends her but not as strongly. My main issue now is we are getting physical and I want to-- but he did not use protection with Ow and I think he should go and get tested. I was tested in Jan. when I found out about the Ow and it all came back okay (for now right) - I am scared to press this issue with him right now not sure how he will react..

Is it too soon to ask for this - do I just go get condoms until he does get tested? I am fairly certain that ML will be in the near future...I hate this feeling of walking on eggshells how long until he can really talk R stuff???? Silly question since everyone sitch is so diff.

Thanks for your help and I am thrilled to have moved into piecing - I hope for real or my Heartbroken tag will never get changed!

Thanks!
HB

again, congrats. Doesn't it hurt so much when h defends ow? It sucks everytime mine does that. And he loves to talk to me about everything. I am his support. Sometimes I just want him to shut up.
The getting tested part is tricky, but also important. Does he know that you get tested last time? This is just one suggestion that I think of, there are probably others. May be you can tell him you got lots of info last time you got tested that you really do not feel safe and cannot enjoy sex so much? So you will use a condom for now. He can take his time to decide when/if he wants to get tested. This may not look so much like pointing a finger at him, but you know, MEN. He will probably dash off to the doctor the next day so he can ditch that condom.

Thanks!

I did finally bring it up to him last night (at his apt during a heavy make out session). H said its not like he was with a prostitute - he makes it seem so trivial - she had one other lover that H knows about. I said do you KNOW there were not any more. No, but...

For now I will get condoms. I told him I doubt he has anything but it's the act of him taking responsibility for his acts of unprotected sex. He seemed to maybe reflect on what I was feeling but it ultimately came out as 'Well if you insist I must do this..'

You are so right - we have not used condoms for over 7 yrs and to go back (not so spontaneous) may be more hassle than its worth for him....

I realize I need to slow down - I really expected him to take 3-4 mos to even decide about the Ow let alone get rid of her but he saw the light real fast!!

I did see Ow walking thru his apt complex w/2 GFs last night - I just wanted to stop and tell her we were reconciling - but that that would just stir up the pot and come back to bite me! So far she has last three whole days with no contact. She moves further away next weekend so the walking issue should stop soon...

Also you are right about H telling studpid stuff about her like on Friday she runs errands - like I care. I just want to stop talking about her all together...baby steps....

Thanks for your words of encouragement!

meant to reply yesterday, but yes, you did the right thing, he should get tested, I insisted my H do it. He dragged it, complained, but finally did it. They think the ow was faultless and "she" couldnt' have anything, that's how stupid they were back then.

You were right by not approaching ow, dont' ever talk to her, she needs to wither and die in your mind, the less you think of her the better you'll hear. And if H keeps saying stuff just simply say "It hurts me to hear about her, I appreciate you dont' mention her".

Good luck!

The exteme bouts of sadness have come back too - this part sucks!
I will just get really sad thinking this is not how I pictured my dream life. The marriage is no longer sacred and needs to be rebuilt and I get sooooo tired of thinking about all this. It's like thinking to breathe - the whole marrige thing was just natural and now it seems so forced. I feel soooo tired...

listen hon, there is one thing we women tend to do in these situations. We tend to idealize the old M and hope that our present R turns into what it was when all was well. We tend to fantacize about how it used to be, about how sacred it was. If you remember your life pre-bombs, back then you wouldn't care less how "pure" your M was.

You are crying over spilled milk, and in the process you are not moving forward. The truth is, M is hard work always, and because neither you or me paid it enough attention that we found ourselves in this sitch.Whenver I start getting angry and rehashing the stuff my H and the ow did together, when I obsess about how dare he did this to me I force myself to remember what I did to him. All the years of nagging, of putting him last in my priorities, of refusing him sex 8 out of 10 times.
Yes, an A is horrible, but I also broke my vows by being a lousy wife.

You remember that, we were part of the problem too, and our Hs were so miserable they tried to drown their misery by leaving and by trying to find solace elsewhere. Both partners are at fault, I am not putting the blame on only one of them.

So you can either feel sorry that things aren't as you dreamed, or you can decide to love like you haven't been hurt and show your H that he is back w/a loving sweet wife who said she'd forgave him.

I agree with your analogy Cat but what if the spouse (i.e. in this case my H) says that I was NOT to blame, that there was no reason for him to do what he did. He proclaims to this day I was the best wife ever and didn't do anything to drive him to the OW. It has NEVER been a topic of conversation. So, if that's the case, what do I think of? No one is perfect but when my own H, the one that had not one, but two of them, says it wasn't me how do you get past that?

Cat

In my case I know what my issues were - the problem is H NEVER even told me he was unhappy - I was truly blind sided. I used to be so arrogant stating how in love we were and I truly believed this. I thanked God every night for my husband and kids - in that order. Somewhere he lost something and did not come to me when he started EA with Ow - he kept telling himself he could fix it but he never could. It's very hard for a marriage partner to work at problems she did not know existed....

I'll agree with your points Heartbroken and Heywyre...I did nothing eggregious in my marriage either--I was and still am a really fantastic wife.

One of the deep truths of life is: sometimes it just isn't fair. Innocent people suffer at the hands of others every day. When it really comes down to it though, not letting go of what they did hurts us far more than the actual act ever can. What they did was not justified in ANY situation. Never will be. But we have to accept what happened and find peace with it. Doesn't mean we have to continue to stay in the sitch, but it does mean we need to let go of bitterness and anguish and find joy in our lives. Joy that comes from finding ourselves in the journey, not in the destination.

Did I ever picture my life this way? HUH-UH. But you know what? I like myself so much better today than I did when I thought my marriage was bullet-proof.

We had a good nite - last nite...

H came over for dinner at the house. Then we laid together and watched TV - just normal family time. I am trying not to press for a timeline but did ask him if he does want to come home - he said YES! ... H just wants Ow gone for good first. She sent him an email yesterday - putting the feelers out. But at least he was honest and told me the truth.

He did talk with one of our friends - a GF of mine but they have always talked too - for over 40 mins. H told this friend that he broke it off with the Ow - so he is starting to tell others (not me - do not want to jinx it)

Tonight is family movie/pizza night we are all looking forward to it! Baby Steps! Now if the damn OW would stop contacting him we could move on...I feel a month is long enough - if she continues H has agreed to tell her that him and I are reconciling (hopefully that will be enough to stop her)