You are right that I am not supposed to change my independence for him. We have been so independent of each other for so long. I do want his help with the house so I think I will tell him so, but that I am not willing to wait for him to have the time as there is a lot of work to do. If he is willing then great, if not, oh well.
I was just talking to a friend whose x-son in law is a friend of H and spent a weekend together in the summer at a bike race. H took the skank with him. The one comment that this guy said to my friend was that when H and I were together, we didn't show a lot of physical attention to each other. H said when we first were together that he didn't like someone hanging off of him all the time. Well the skank and H spent a lot of time touching and kissing each other. Our friend wasn't sure that it was my H that was there!
Anyway, not sure how I am reacting to this information. Part of me is sad and wishing it was me that he was doing this with. Part of me thinks that this proves that he is in MLC. If and when he comes out of this, I don't want him to revert back to our old ways. I have waited for so long for this kind of treatment from him. For the most part, I am sad and very jealous.
My exW did the same garbage with her MLC PA - I think the show is so that people will "know" they are together. It's kind of like hickies to teenagers - most of us grow out of that also.
I agree with Celestial on keeping the independence. And don't worry about being "friends" especially while he is with OW. Build and live your life as if this is how it will be - you and D.
Don't be jealous - at least what you had b/4 MLC was real.
This has been a turning point to a better M. In 25 years will either of us will remember much about this time? Because in 50 years neither of us will remember much of anything.
The friend thing will have to come after the S agreement is done anyway. I think that their R still has about another year before anything will change by either him starting to wake up or she will start to show her true colors.
I will concentrate on my D, my courses, my job, the renovations to the house if I get it and a few things I want to learn in 2007. I want to take some cooking courses, join a dragonboat team, learn to jog, learn to kayak and learn to rollerblade.
Going to my parents for Xmas. Hope it is a smack in the face when H doesn't see the kids for Xmas. He has to work anyway and I will get them to phone him at work, but it is not the first time he has had to work on Xmas. It will be so different for him as his brother won't be here either and his sister is doing an open house for a bunch of people. Not just family. I don't think she feels she has a real family and that her friends are her family. We are doing another Xmas on the 30th when I get home with my kids that are older and the grandkids which my SIL is going to spend the day with us. I am so glad. I will miss H for Xmas as well.
Have a great Xmas everyone. Love and hugs for all Cynthia
Hope everyone had a nice Xmas. Just got back from my parents last night, had a quiet Xmas with them and then went to my sisters for dinner. My parents are looking fine for their age.
I tried to make the kids call their Dad on Xmas, but they refused to and said they would talk to him when they got home. I think they were embarrassed to do so with my parents there. Well for D anyway. My son just flat out refused. He talks to his father, don't get this wrong, so I am not sure why they didn't. They are doing a gift exchange with him sometime this week.
We are doing a second Xmas on Saturday with the rest of my kids and my SIL so that should be fun. Two days to clean my house. I will get all the dinner stuff tomorrow.
Just found something interesting. The day we left to go to my parents for Xmas, I had left a gift for H with some butter tarts out in his shop. I didn't expect to see him before we left so thought it was safe to do so. Anyway, he did go in his shop before we left and then stopped in the house to see if we were still going. I said we were, I was just trying to get the kids in the car to go as I was worried a bit about the roads. I asked if he was taking the dogs right then and he said no he had work to do and would get them later. No mention of the gift. Perfect. I didn't expect anything in return. I did sign it love me.
I realized today that while we were gone, he had come in and taken his mail which means he was in my office. Thankfully I had taken all my S papers with me in case he did some snooping. I didn't think he would, but maybe he did because I can't figure out why he would have been in my office. Anyway, I thought I would go out to the shop today and see if the gift is still out there. H is at work today. The gift is still out there. He started to open it and then didn't. It was a book I had picked up in the Grand Canyon on all their trails. He didn't open it enough to see what it was about. Not sure what to make of that.
When H and I hooked up, he was going out with someone else at the time and I didn't know it. He said that he knew if we hooked up it wouldn't be a one night stand sort of thing. Anyway, he broke up with her and remained friends with her. She never wanted to meet me so they would visit when ever she came to town with out me. I didn't like it but I went along with it. The other day I found a box with some letters and cards that she had written to him while we were together, very suggestive, asking to go to Mexico with her, etc. So that kind of stuff didn't work for her, but he was 23 at the time and not in MLC. H was looking for a box the other day, pulled that one out and put it back.
The other thing I realized today was that one of the worst things anyone could do to my H is lie. Never lie to him. I realized that he started to lie to me when his friendship with the OW was becoming a problem. Over the past two years that he has associated with her he has taken on so many traits of hers that are just not the kind, loving person that he was. So sad.
I will be curious about the gift thing.
Love and hugs for all Here is hoping that 2007 will be a much better year for all of us. Cynthia
Not sure what to make of the gifts either. My W went into the thick of the fog in Aug ‘05. Christmas - she opened the gifts, but many just got moved upstairs b/4 Christmas this year. One gift was a personalized Poem under glass - it's still in the box. My W came out of the fog in Sept. ‘06
Our Anniversary is 1 Jan (it was good this year) -- last year I had a painting made out of our wedding photo - W looked at it and said "that would have been nice 2 years ago" and put the paper back on it. It's still sitting on the floor - not hung.
I think guilt gets them – here they are being sh$#s to us and we get them gifts. Kind of takes some of the wind out of their anger sails – because we show them that we are not what they have painted us to be.
I have brought up the painting – I get “I’ll get to it” But I wonder if the pain of guilt from her actions last year will be in her mind every time she looks at the picture.
Don’t give it too much head space – he would probably just feels guilt if he accepts it, so H acts like a teenager “ignore it, it’ll go away”
This has been a turning point to a better M. In 25 years will either of us will remember much about this time? Because in 50 years neither of us will remember much of anything.
Oh grief, Cynthia, I had a whole answer typed out, and then lost it. This site can be weird sometimes.
Anyway, hope 2007 is an awesome year for you, where you discover yourself, and reach for new dreams, desires, interests, and skills. I think you have started that process already.
Will post some more later. Got my nose in my text book.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Quote: My belief is that everything is connected and that things happen in our lives for reasons we do not yet understand, Having a deep faith is believing that what I am experiencing is exactly the way as it should be.
How we choose to "react" to that which we are experiencing is "our choice."
Our spouses MLC is not within our power to prevent nor is it within our power to fix them. This I know to be true from the depths of my heart, as I tried everything I could think of to fix my xw.
Letting go and letting God took a long time, a ton of frustration, an ocean of tears to finally reach a point of acceptance where I understood; "It was not my job to make her right."
Two years ago, I was in my own MLC. During that time I prayed to God to make my marriage better. When H left, I questioned my prayer. How was this supposed to make my marriage better. For the past four days, I have been on the BB reading and reading. There is so much information and good advice. For the past four days I have been in a phunk. Sad, crying, questioning, the whole nine yards.
I have been trying to reconnect with God since this has all happened. My prayer for the last 2 months (I got from someone on this BB). Please heal my heart, my H's heart and my marriage.
For the past four days I think the biggest message I have been getting is let it go and let God. I can't fix it.
Today, after being on the boards for most of the day, I had a thought.
For my H to understand what I went through, he has to go through it. For any changes in my M to happen, H has to go through it. For me to grow and learn, I had to go through H's MLC. For H to learn and grow, he had to go through it. If none of this had not happened, I would not have learned the leasons I have learned so far. We would still be going down the same old path we were going on. Nothing would have changed. I still, obviously, have a lot more to learn. I still don't love myself enough. I still have trouble communicating and showing affection. I am learning to do these things with my children. This is one of the big bonuses of having to go through this is the reconnection that has started with my children. I have always been independent, but I must learn to be independent and be happy. Most of my life, I feel I have just existed. Maybe I am not all the way through my MLC (I sure hope I am because it has been 7 years). I don't know what my passions are.
So I am letting go and letting God. I sound alright now. I now I will have many more sad days as I still love him. Hopefully they will get less and less. They have gotten less than when it all started, but there sure seem to still be a lot of them. I think about him day and night. I can't help it. But I have to keep reminding myself, let it go and let God.
So everyone, I am looking for all the support I can get to help me be strong.
Love and hugs for all Cynthia PS I'm not very good at putting thoughts to paper, so I hope everyone can understand my ramblings.
