Because with the kid's in school I had way to mch time on my hands. But also this gave us extra money that was much needed. My husband wanted me to work more then I did. I think he was very resentful he was the sole bread winner.
I can understand why it would threaten you if you have been in an unhappy marriage. After you have been A SAHM for years in an unhappy marriage going out into the work force changes you. Because you start to realize you are a lot stronger then you think. You no longer rely on your husband to provide for you. But most of all you start realizing more that you have a lot more power to make changes to make yourself happier.
I see nothing wrong with you going back to work. I think it is for the better. But I do believe your H feels threatened by it. You are the only one who can change that. Whether his feelings are valid or not (because he asked you to go back to work), he still feels threatened.
In fact, I would not be surprised if he asked you to go back to work out of his own resentment toward you. I know that I never felt appreciated by my wife. So if she was going to complain all the time, plus stay home, then she might as well get out there and see how much fun it is to work and raise a family. Sure, he will have to do more housework, but you will still have to do 50% of that plus work full time.
That is a passive aggressive way of getting back at you, and if there is any truth to it, you should ask yourself why he felt that way and how you contributed to the situation. Only until you understand your role in that, and how you can change you so that your husband can perceive you differently, you two will be locked in a power struggle.
In fact, I would not be surprised if he asked you to go back to work out of his own resentment toward you.
Very interesting. I have never ever thought of it in this light. Not in the light that maybe he didn't feel appreciated. When I was SAHM I took a lot of pride in it. The house was spotless, the clothes cleaned and the children WELL taken care of. All of my children were reading when they entered kindergarten. They are all gifted students and do very well in school. So I guess you can say I was very proud of the woman I was as a SAHM. I thought that I showed my husband appreciation but maybe I was wrong. Or he needed more? I would always have his dinner cooked and everything was taken care of. I guess I thought that was my appreciation. He didn't have to lift a finger. In a sense when he was insistent about me working it kind of felt that he thought I was being lazy and what I did at home didn't matter at all. It is also interesting that you use the words power struggle. Because although I have never labeled our behaviors in that sense it does make sense in our day to day life that we are in a power struggle. He really started changing when I went to work. It angered me so much. Because I thought here I am working which is something he wanted and am doing everything else and he is acting like a jackazz.
When I was SAHM I took a lot of pride in it. The house was spotless, the clothes cleaned and the children WELL taken care of. All of my children were reading when they entered kindergarten. They are all gifted students and do very well in school. So I guess you can say I was very proud of the woman I was as a SAHM.
Ok, very admirable, but for and extremely insecure man, how does he fit into the family? Maybe he sees you as too successful? Maybe he would like to know that you need him?
I would always have his dinner cooked and everything was taken care of. I guess I thought that was my appreciation. He didn't have to lift a finger.
Two ways to take this. The confident man will be appreciative, be cause he has the self esteem to recognize and accept your gift to him. The insecure man might see this as just your duty to keep the workhorse fed and rested for another day at the mill. The difference comes in the connection he feels with you and the kids. That feeling depends on him and you.
In a sense when he was insistent about me working it kind of felt that he thought I was being lazy and what I did at home didn't matter at all.
I bet you let those thoughts be communicated to him too, right? That is your resentment spilling out from your need for validation.
He really started changing when I went to work. It angered me so much. Because I thought here I am working which is something he wanted and am doing everything else and he is acting like a jackazz.
Which is your justification for engaging in and continuing the power struggle (and yes, you really are in one).
Ok, very admirable, but for and extremely insecure man, how does he fit into the family? Maybe he sees you as too successful? Maybe he would like to know that you need him?
He fits into the family I would say. We are both pretty involved with the kiddo's. I naturally do more and make I would say a majority of the decisions. But it has always been this way. He doesn't seem to mind it and seems to very much trust the decisions I make with the kid's. He has a few things he is very much against where I would be more of a push over and I also respect that. Maybe he does feel a little threatened by my new outlook on life and all I am trying to achieve. I know he said he supported me going back to school. Kept asking when I was going to enroll. Perhaps he does need to know I need him more then I show. I have just become so use to being independent.
Another unusual thing I have noticed about myself aside from the fact that I feel I have become LD. Is that I also have to have intimacy in order to feel sexual at all towards my husband. Before I could have sex at the drop of a hat. Take for instance Friday night he was kind of grumpy a little. Said a few things to aggrivate me. Was not loving. I was thinking to myself I sure the heck hopehe doesn't try anything. Then Saturday I had that thought in my mind about him not trying anything. But he was loving and attentive. He helped around the house some. He kept flirting and pulling me to him for kisses. Then he very agressively made the moves before we headed to bed. He was so passionate I fell into puddy in his hands.
I know he said he supported me going back to school.
Now think about this. Is there anything else he could have said?
Kept asking when I was going to enroll.
Maybe he was hoping that you wouldn't enroll, or when you did, he wanted to be emotionally prepared. Either way, it doesn't sound like someone secure and happy with what's going on.
Perhaps he does need to know I need him more then I show. I have just become so use to being independent.
I had a lot of hope. But just feel as if things went downhill fast from my discovery this week. While checking files on my computer hoping to retrace a web site I used for school I discovered my husband was at this site. It is adult dating site. At first it hurt to know he was even there or had clicked on it. But then I looked around the site and saw my husband had created an account. He didn't actually pay for it so is only a limited member. When I read his words that he typed of his own accord my stomach just fell out. He said he was bored and looking. He said he liked his women to say just what they want. And that he was looking for some wild and discreet sex. On his marital status he put he preferred not to say. I never thought possible but maybe my husband is chaeting or is thinking about it. I am just so hurt today.
Quote: ---------------------------------------------------- I never thought possible but maybe my husband is chaeting or is thinking about it. I am just so hurt today ----------------------------------------------------
I am really sorry for your pain.
Are you going to confront your husband?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I know without a doubt if I confront my husband right now the thing he will say is I only did it because I know you spy on me. Or some other lame excuse. He hates taking blame and rarely appologizes. So I have lots of thoughts spinning around with how to handle this. But one thing I am doing is monitoring this account.
I am almost tempted to set him up. Then I will have my answer.
I think you should put a call out to GEL before you do anything. She has been in your shoes, and can at least give you some to-the-point support.
I can help you with the whole process, but your situation may not warrant that level of aggression yet. It may be that your husband is just beginning to skirt the edges, and diplomacy of a type that only a wife can offer may be the right approach to take with him.
If he is already guilty, then I will be glad to help you blow his affair to bits, but I don't think you are quite there yet.
GEL, are you reading?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
