I didn’t know you were here since September, for some reason I was thinking your bomb date was closer to mine, 20 December. Sorry you’ve been in the bucket of crap for so long.
Your right, I realize I have little ability to change my wife. I have read about doing 180’s and other self improvement tactics, I’m not trying to be conceited here, but I’m just not a bad guy to start with. I guess the best 180 right now would be a PMA, I do have a hard time with that.
When my wife returns, I have to be able to see my son so there will be some contact. I really believe though that my primary problem right now my inability to detach in any way. I have always felt my wife was part of me and I was part of her, so detaching feels like having to cut off part of my own body. Probably no different than most of us though, the longer I’m here the more I realize my sitch is the same as so many others.
I was talking to my oldest sister tonight. She is adamant that my W is insane and I should cut my losses. She’s the Ranger of the family.
Then I spoke with my other sister, who said my wife called her last night and it was the raging angry W on the other end of the phone. She said the W told her she is still very angry and still has to work through that. Well it’s only been 2 ½ months, who could be expected to get over an argument in that length of time (just depressed sarcasm).
Mark, keep your chin up. I'm two months in too and its hard, I know. I'm also having a bad day; picked up the complaint today from attorney. Take it one day at a time. Good luck on the PMA.
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
I've been keeping up on you, but haven't been posting much. At the end of the month it will be 1 year since I have moved out!! 1 YEAR!! I can't believe it. But, I have so many more better days than bad days now. Stay strong. Time does work to your advantage - in all aspects.
Hi Mark I think her calling your sister was a way of communicating with you. FLTC is right. Giver her space and if she wants you, she will call, good things come to those who wait. Detaching is tough, but it has to be done. If you think of it as the only way out, then you can do it. There are so many things I would love to say to W, but I know it would be a disaster. As much as this sucks, there is no other choice for us. We have to let go of what our WAW's think and do and we have to let go of the fear of them leaving for good. My plan is to detach as much as I can each day. One day I will get there. I have to be accepted for who I am. I'm going to post a link to a thread that has some very good info on detaching in the next post. Hang in there Mark. The days will get better one at a time. Take care, 4
I tried taking Lunesta a couple weeks back and it put me to sleep, but it had some side effects I didn't like.
I agree that without sleep we are much more prone to melt down.
That being said, with the meds I've been on, I've needed sleeping pills on many occasions. Have you tried Ambien or even better Ambien CR? Make sure you really discuss dosages with your doc based on body size and metabolism rates. I metabolise drugs quickly, so when I first took Ambien, it would only ever work for about four hours, so I ended up double dosing, with doc's approval.
Work your routine, too, in order to be easier able to sleep. Watch the caffeine, and do something upbeat that makes you tired before you sleep. Comedies are good to watch, assuming they're not action-packed. Good books generally put me in a good mood, tire my eyes, and help me sleep. Especially if you find something inspirational.
Good luck!
M 30 W 27 Married: 09/08/02 Mini-bomb: 02/27/07 Big bomb: 03/10/07 Filed: 04/05/07 My thread here
Hi Mark. Hope you are feeling better. Part of our problem is that we are so intertwined with our Ws that unraveling it all seems unnatural. But as rob1231 has posted on my thread, we need to be two healthy independent individuals for a happy M. It is too bad we couldn't sit down and have a couple of beers together and shoot some pool or something. Detaching is the only way to set both of you free. You can do it Mark. One day at a time. Take care my friend, 4
So sorry you are here, but it is the right place to be. Your W's behavior does suggest that she IS not detached completely either. It's a positive, but the main thing is that you have to give her space. Back off big time and be grateful you have a child together. She Will have to see your changes b/c she will have to see you. Just do the DB thing knowing she will notice. She will.
We also know how you feel, and that you think it will be like this forever, or for decades, but it won't. You will heal and who knows? She may wake up. Just vent here and not at her. My DB coach (I strongly recommend calling them) said to "Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth" so if you can do that, it'll help. Also, if you stop attacking her choices, maybe she won't feel she has to defend them. Maybe she'll finally really see them for what they are. Mistakes. Sending hugs your way and good luck and keep on keeping on. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Today was better for me mentally. After taking my son to school this morning I came home and got an extra hour of sleep. Then I went to work busying myself for the day. I went out to look after my mother. I got her some lunch, and then started cleaning the room where I have been staying. I thought I could just do some basic cleaning and make it livable enough for me, but after a thorough cleaning I think it needs more. So I started visualizing it with new paint new flooring, better lights etc.. I think going through this exercise helped me, just thinking about improving my living situation instead of dwelling so much on the negative.
I spent most of the day there cleaning and moving furniture. I finished up and picked up my son from school. He had a piano lesson then we went to YMCA. He was into it tonight and we spent a couple hours at the Y screwing around and working out. We were both worn out by the time we left.
After dinner I had him call the W to say goodnight. She started to ask him about an appointment he had with a counselor yesterday. Unfortunately I had forgotten about it and missed it. I had it in my schedule book; I had looked at it earlier in the day and still missed it. It’s not like me, too much on the brain I guess. Anyhow my son started to lie about actually going. I told him to tell the truth and he then put the phone down and said he did not want to get her mad. It kind of took me back. But like I said I’m the emotional rock for him and my wife has always been a roller coaster to some degree. So I took the phone and told her we missed the appointment and our son was lying because he did not want to make her angry. She completely missed the ramifications of our son’s perception of her and went right into the fact that I missed it, we will be charged for it and I need to call and reschedule. She wasn’t angry, but it was just weird.
The next part of the call dealt with something I have been debating. Whether or not to take an antidepressant, if I take one I will have to go on at least temporary medical disability from my job. You can not take antidepressants and fly and you have to be off them at least 90 days before you are allowed back in the cockpit as well as having to jump through other hoops for the FAA. Before my wife left she said she thought I should. And last week I was pretty close to doing it and told her I was going to, I had even made a doctors appointment and had info faxed from my psychologist to him recommending a 6 month course of antidepressants. Apparently my wife freaked out according to my sister, bitching to her about how could I make a decision like this without consulting her. So last night after talking to my oldest sister ( the hard one ) and her telling me DO NOT do anything to potentially f#ck up your job. And hearing the same from my father in-law, I decided not to go through with it. I’m going to have to find my way out of this hole without pills. And I told my middle sister this last night, and she told my W. So tonight now my wife is asking me how am I going to get better without it. So to recap, first she thinks I should take them, next p|ssed off when I do decide to and then when I change my mind is p|ssed again.
I have to say I feel better about not leaving the cockpit. Probably one of the reasons I did feel better today was because of deciding not to take antidepressants, ironic. And then I looked to see what kind of schedule I got for next month and I have four Honolulu trips. Those are therapy in themselves. I’m just not a pill popping guy, and I think I was feeling pushed to do it and deciding not too feels great. I didn’t say much else to the wife.
Thanks again for all the input in the last 24 hours, yesterday was the pits, but I do feel better tonight and really it had little to do with the W. I hope it lasts.
