I'm in agreement about being careful with too much "x talk". One - at some point each of you loved your x. Two - maybe one or both of you still does (probably always will on some level). Three - while it is handy to know what "type" of general issues someone had with their x, it may or may not be predictive of what issues the two of you will have. I think if I were to reccommend an area of discussion about an ex with somone it would be much further down the dating road and in the spirit of, "What mistakes did YOU make with your x? Here is what I learned from mine." Always take ownership and don't get serious with anyone who doesn't do the same!
That being said, I agree with Lil, Fcuk Cpt. Wentworth if you want. Even let him be your toy for a time - get out all the need to feel fcukable to someone. Then take a breath, look around and see where you are.
Oh yes - I agree wholeheartedly that I can "o" in waaaaaaaaaay less than 10 minutes. In 10 minutes I can go two or three times usually. However, once in a while I do get these more spectacular, long building type orgasms that are truly something. I look forward to these but they just seem to happen when they happen.
Can you guys please cut me some slack due to temporary poor mental health due to the fact that I've been separated for exactly 2 fairly nerve-wracking weeks at this point? I've decided that it probably is thoroughly counter-productive and poor form to discuss any of my fledgling relationships, torrid affairs and/or meaningless hot monkey encounters with this BB. It's like I would be assuming that there is something inherently wrong with the way I operate in relationships and need constant hand-holding. Also, I really don't like the idea of being so "kiss and tell" in a public forum (as opposed to being "kick and yell" due to my marital relationship). It's just kind of weird, I would be like one of those guys on AFF who exhibits himself with a hard-on.
So, I'll just be hanging out in general topic chat and advise mode at this point. So here is my general topic question for the day for the guys. What would be your general reaction to seeing a 42 year old woman who dresses herself like a 15 year old because she went shopping at Old Navy with her daughter? For example: she is wearing a stretchy scoop neck t-shirt that clings to her DD breasts with funky thread work detail, big dangly earrings, bright turqoise kind of retro sandals and bright turquoise capri cargo pants that hang down below her lumbo-sacral fat pad. I mean, I know I look good in this outfit but I wonder what other messages I am sending out.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You are going through a really hard time right now MJ. Sorry. As you were posting all of your happy comments about this guy and your newfound adventures, I knew you were also really upset. I've been there myself so I see some of the same reactions. One in particular that is screaming out is your need for validation. You are doing it with that man and you are doing it on this board. I'm not judging on that issue because I think it is perfectly normal to want validation. But just like any "dysfunction", you need to look at it on the continuum. Swing too far out and it becomes really unhealthy. So I noticed you asked the guys what they thought of that Old Navy outfit. I'm going to say, who cares what the guys on this board think. (sorry guys). Do what is right for YOU. Does it make you feel good? Better about yourself? OR, are you doing it to get validation from them (men in general). I like to wear string bikinis in my front yard in the summer. May even mow the lawn in it. Do some neighbors make comments? Yep. Do some of the men in the neighborhood choose to pull out the lawn chairs and a few beers at that moment? Maybe. But I wear the bikini because I need maximum skin exposure for my tan. And yes, a little validation from men thrown in for good measure. My point is, don't seek the Validation alone, do it because you feel great about yourself. You don't seem happy right now so maybe you need to work on Yourself for a while and screw the guys. Not even literally. Lol. Take some time to pamper yourself but NOT with the goal of becoming more attractive to men. That will just come naturally. You are trying too hard right now. It shows. And I think you are probably right to not post every detail of your dating life on this board, but don't avoid the posts so you can go do what you know darn well is bad for you and just to avoid the wrath of all of us. There's lots of great advice and feedback to be had here but you need to be willing to listen to it and sometimes even take it. I hope you can find some peace in this whole S process MJ. You are a good person. I think you just need to become more comfortable with who you REALLY are and stop trying so hard to impress. It's still a work in progress for me too, so....
MJ, I agree with LFL ( again). Who cares what the guys on the board think of your outfit? Now is your time to experiment and have fun. Do what makes you feel good. Have a few laughs. My mom was showing me pictures of herself when she was young in these ridiculous outfits. She was saying, " I really thought I was the cat's meow" and we were hysterically giggling.
Here on the BB we are protective of you. Anyone who was monogamous for 18 years is going to be naive, no matter how wide a sexual bandwidth. So play it safe but have fun. And don't cause unnecessary hurt either.
I read an article some time ago about a man who was in a SSM and then divorced. He went through many relationships afterwards and eventually remarried. The article was his ode to the " in-between" women who helped to revive him.
Go reawaken yourself. Have fun. And take care. And yes, I still want details, lol.
Regarding the outfit you described, my reaction would be, "wow, she looks great. I wish I could pull that off." I love to see 40-something (and older) women in good shape wearing youthful clothes. If you love it, wear it and have fun!
Okay, guys the fact of the matter is I'm probably 30% frightened about my newly single state but really about 70% happy and excited. Really I probably should have asked my fashion question to you other gals. I was actually seeking validation for my intelligent humorous use of the phrase lumbo-sacral fat pad. Here's my dilemna. I don't know if it is apparent in the pictures I have posted but my figure is uber-curvy, I'm pretty close to 40/30/40 and I have a really long torso which emphasizes this fact. I know that according to any sort of "What Not To Wear" type rules I should sort of dress in a kind of classy, understated lady-like way to de-emphasize this fact or tone it down a bit. The problem is I hate dressing like that because it doesn't reflect my Type 7 personality. I like colorful funky youthful clothing. I feel all itchy and confined in "lady" clothes, like a bored kid at church. I guess my validation issue is that I wonder/worry whether I end up looking like one of those scary 70 year old women you see at the beach sometimes wearing a bikini.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Can you guys please cut me some slack due to temporary poor mental health due to the fact that I've been separated for exactly 2 fairly nerve-wracking weeks at this point?
Sorry, Mojo, if my (our) comments hurt you. I hope it's obvious that I didn't mean to hurt you, and I apologize that I did. Your carefree tone was masking the nerve-wracking part-- that was worrying me a bit. Glad now to get a more complete picture. I was hoping a lot of what you were posting was your fantasies... but I wasn't sure, as your tone was so Out There.
But...
You knew that there was a "but"-- this is very good advice. Too much ex talk is not good... if you want to take that comment personally and get pi$$ed at me for saying it and the others for backing me up, so be it... but just take it to heart.
What Stig said is true:
Quote:
"If they bad-mouth/commiserate on what they lacked from their Xs... then they will say the same about you if/when the next one comes along."
You ARE going into this a bit naively, honey... and your heart is wide open. That's a good thing, but be prudent.
Just look at me as an example: I wind up with a raging alcoholic... and I WASN'T married to the same guy for 19 years... I've probably had more long-term relationships than anyone else here... and I'm the second oldest, AND I have an advanced degree in psychology AND I've read every frickin' relationship book ever written (practically), I've been to a zillion therapists over the last 30 years...but when I met bf, my judgment went totally out the window. I ended up with a guy who got drunk every night for 18 months before I figured out he was an alcoholic. Blind as a bat, I was. I SOOOOOO wanted the next relationship after my husband died to be the happy, love of my life relationship. I don't know where I went wrong. Even now, I don't.
It's just because we care about you and want you to be so much happier in the next LTR than you were in this one.
Keep your wits about you and please LET us keep giving you advice. Who else in your immediate Real Life circle is going to give you the gold-plated, loving, multiple pov advice that you get here?
I SOOOOOO wanted the next relationship after my husband died to be the happy, love of my life relationship. I don't know where I went wrong. Even now, I don't.
I suspect the question answers itself.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
You ARE going into this a bit naively, honey... and your heart is wide open. That's a good thing, but be prudent.
I am well aware of the fact that my behavior may appear to others to be like that of a laughing toddler running next to the edge of the deep side of the swimming pool carrying a breakable glass with a mouthful of bubblegum and a handful of matches but you gotta remember that just like a toddler I got that low center of gravity bounce-ability thing working for me too. Also, I can swim like a fish and when I get boo-boos at least I don't pick at the scabs.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Since everyone is throwing their opinion into the mix, here is mine.
I believe that you have "earned" your way out of the marriage. You have made monumental efforts to work with your husband, and when he was unwilling to participate, work for the marriage by yourself. You have put up with unprecedented amounts of disrespect and still repeatedly re-engaged in the relationship. I believe that you have given your marriage a very aggressive effort toward repair on your part. You did it all without resorting to relationships outside your marriage. All very hard and commendable things to do. You have earned your exit papers.
Most people want to talk about significant or traumatic events in their life. It is perfectly normal and healthy to engage in such banter. It only becomes unhealthy when it is used to belittle, disrespect, or it becomes an obsession. Stating facts about a previous relationship is not disrespect. Your attitude does, however, matter. Even so, some anger is normal.
I personally believe that most affairs should be brought to the light of day (exposed), it shines light on otherwise secret and unhealthy behavior. In the same way, I do not believe that you are betraying your husband by talking about the issues in your marriage, rather bringing them to the light for examination. When you do talk about those issues, I would encourage you to do so in a contextually respectful way, but he truth is the truth.
"In my marriage, my husband rarely met my sexual needs. I contributed to this by acting too much like a mother to him" (not factual, just an example).
Dress how you feel. I personally like curves. I think that regardless of what a television show says, that most men like curves. If you feel like dressing young, then have fun. You are an intelligent woman. You most certainly understand appropriateness in dress by this time in your life. No reason not to have fun with your figure at least some of the time.
Lastly, My wife and I started our relationship with much baggage. Over the years it has become clear that the baggage/issues we discussed early on rarely affected us later in our marriage. The parts that we didn't address keep popping out to bite us. If you find yourself becoming serious with someone, I suggest that you tell your potential mate as much as he wants to hear. Just make sure that it represents the marriage, not just one side.
You can be open and honest without being disrespectful.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
And yes, a little validation from men thrown in for good measure. My point is, don't seek the Validation alone, do it because you feel great about yourself. 
I love to see 40-something (and older) women in good shape wearing youthful clothes. If you love it, wear it and have fun!
