Not having little ones during this journey I regret not having more advice for you. I have seen the damage it did to my young adults though, and find little I can do for them.
One thought I have for you other than the obvious of child or family C, is books. Lots of them out there for various ages. I will strongly suggest exploring the ones for little kids surviving or going through greif loss, or D. Even if this is not yet a D, and may not be one ... so don't focus on that aspect. Just look into the effect of turmoil on the kids and how to help them.
Hug your D alot, love her lots, do not vent to her, do not talk about her mom in any bad light, do not make more questions for her, but answers her honestly. "I do not know" is a perfectly good answer.
Never let your Daughter forget that she is loved.
I used to let my 5 year old sleep in bed with me...I feel bad for whoever he sleeps with, the boy KICKS!!!
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Sorry you are here but you are in the right place.
Give your kids lots of extra hugs. It will be great for her and you as well. They can still be happy through this. They do have hard times and are sad and need to know they are loved no matter what.
JBF, I agree with the above. Love 'em lots. Don't discuss the sitch with them. IMHO, ANYTHING you say, almost any question you ask (even ones like "did you and mom have fun yesterday') can make them feel like they are in the middle. They are kids, and need to be allowed to be kids without this crap in their lives.
I am often tempted to talk to my S15 about stuff. He's a great person, and a great friend, but he's a kid and my son first, and I know I need to protect him from this, even though he seems more like a man than a child these days (6'3" 198 lbs).
You did come to the right place. You're getting lots of good support.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
LN is so right. My D14 is soo perceptive it's scarey. I don't talk about her dad to her at all. Fortunately for you , yours is too young to have alot of insight (that gets wierd if you let it). You get to be the rock and just love love love her. Her world just needs to be as safe and secure as you can make it for her.
Thank you all so much for your support. It really is appreciated. This rollercoaster is easier for knowing there are others who are going through similar traumas.
Had a generally good weekend. Some sad moments but got through those ok. Did lots of fun things with D and went out to eat wi6h my friend on Saturday night. We talked about going away for a week in the Summer with my D which would be good. When our Ws were still with us we used to go away a couple of times a year so I know we can get on ok, although it would feel a bit odd of course. Another friend came round for dinner last night so keeping busy.
Didn't see W. She had said she couldn't see D on Sunday morning as agreed. I assumed it was because she was going away so that kind of made sense. However I found out yesterday that she was just partying til the small hours. This has annoyed and saddened me. D is less of a priority than her new party life. As you say, I am D's rock.
Her nightmares have improved over the weekend. Not sure when she'll see W this week. I know W is keen to see her (though on her terms) but was concerned about her nightmares too. I think she needs a few days to settle down and I told W that by text. She said she was 'devastated' but understood. No mention of how hard it is for D or me either. I have to stop expecting anything other than selfishness I think.
As strange as it may seem, I envy your sitch a little bit. I feel you have some clarity and some resolution. I think you need to detach, which you're doing, and let go. Your W is on her own journey and working out her own issues. That she can party 'til dawn and miss seeing her d says a lot. But then again, your sitch probably isn't as black and white as I think it might be. You are still open to reconciliation, no? So you still might feel torn.
Sounds like you had a decent weekend. I always hate questions like "how was your weekend" or even "how are you?" How are any of us except generally crappy. But there are still good things, and good times. I'm glad you had some good times, both with your d and with your friends. That all helps with the PMA and GAL I'm sure.
As we've said as we support each other, we can't help but grow and learn from all of this, and eventually, if not already in many ways, come out better and stronger. Keep up the PMA, taking care of D, and detaching.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
After 3 good nights without having nightmares, D had a terrible one last night and we were both up most of the night. I had thought that if she was better last night I would suggest W saw her on Wednesday or Thursday but I'm not sure now as I don't want to make things even worse.
I'm a bit confused about having contact with W myself. So far I've kept it to a minimum and used my mum where I could to hand over D. Last week W suggested we went for a coffee this week and I said I'd think about it, but I haven't got back to her. As she's still seeing OM and we can handle business conversations via email or text, I'm not even sure what we'd talk about.
I'm a bit confused about her replay any way. She is in total selfish mode but when I see her it's clear she's also sad and subdued. She is very negative and most of her texts seem to be asking for me to feel sorry for her. Even when I'm not there, my mum says she's subdued and sad, including with D. Will this be guilt, most likely? Will she get worse?
There is no evidence that she's having second thoughts, I don't think. Are there any vets out there with a view?
I have not posted to you before but wanted to say that i am so sorry you find yourself here. I am right in think that your D is 3 yrs old?, if so i can relate as my D will be 3 in June. It is so hard on these children and the MLCers fail to fully realise the consequencies of thier action for all involved. Although my D2 has not shown signs of nightmares, she has definantely become more clingy to me.
It always seems so much worse when the mother is the one that leaves, being a mother myself i can't begin to understand. This is where i see definate signs that you wife is in MLC, along with the sefish ME ME ME! mode.
I think your doing a great job taking care of your D and please remember there is always hope.
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
Thanks Nicky. Yes, my D is 3, 4 next month. She seems to be coping ok during the day, although is a bit clingy, but it's at night we have the problems. I have been trying to get her to talk and role play as much as possible but it's heart breaking. I can forgive the trauma W put me through to a certain extent but am finding it harder re: D.
Any thoughts from anyone about which part of replay she might be in as I'm not sure I know the stages of replay. Are there several?
