Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE New WebMD Article on Sex Drives - M vs F - etc.

Okay, I've thoroughly hijacked this thread. Everybody please meet back at my thread with any replies. Later today I hope to be posting pictures of different outfits I might wear if and when I finally meet Captain W. in person for the approval of the BB.

yours

Lil, Mojo,

And I can see where if the guy is the FIRST one to introduce sexual innuendo, it might seem too pushy and forward.

For me, it would not be that it is too pushy, but that it might paint me in a bad light as only wanting sex. This is where the feminist dogma really rings in a man’s ears, IMO. Since you are dealing with an unknown, what is going to be the man’s default assumption? He goes with what he has heard repeated by women again and again, that women want to be respected for who they are and not just a sexual object.

On the one hand, I think it's up to the woman to send the subtle message that a sexual reference would be well-received.

Therefore, if the woman puts out the first teaser, in a tasteful, subtle, indirect way, the message can come across without it sounding crass or cheap. It is sort of like the traditional rules of shaking hands. A man does not offer his hand to a woman first. She must offer to shake hands, then he reciprocates. (In the business world this has become lost.)

Just bear in mind, Mojo, you don't want to WONDER if he's really into you. You want him to stick his neck out and take the risk. You deserve to have the guy take a risk for you.

I agree with this but not because the man needs to demonstrate his ability to take a risk. You should assume that he will, which will prompt him to do just that. If you assume otherwise, he will sense it.

Mojo, I think your bigger risk is pushing too hard to get a man to validate you, which may come across as needy, clingy, suffocating. You might also be skirting an early rule IMO, which is to not put the sex issue on the table too soon as to possibly put him on the spot and cause him to feel that he now has to “top her top.” That might not be a problem for him, but is this the way you want a new relationship to go.

Also, I think you get WAAAAY too caught up in fantasy. From this man’s perspective, step back and look at what he sees. He finds someone to correspond with him via email. Did you send him a picture? Did he send you one? I don’t know that it really matters either way, because he is still going to wonder why this person in cyberspace is suddenly making intimations of having sex with him and he has not even met you yet. The advice that Lil gives you, that meeting in real life gives a whole different impression may not seem important to you right now, it might to him.

He could be considering just what it is he is getting into at this point. For a purely sexual love ‘em and leave ‘em approach, maybe there is no problem. But if he wants to form a long lasting, sincere relationship, he might be having some doubts.

Okay, the first thing to bear in mind is that Captain W. made it very apparent in his profile about himself that he wanted to be with a woman who was sexual. I think he used the word passionate about 10 times. He also made it clear to anyone with the insight that might be gained from spending time on this BB that he was the HD partner in a SSM. He described what he might do for a woman sexually and the added "But that doesn't mean that you get to be selfish.-LOL (Been there done that.)". The first e-mail I impulsively sent to him I gave the subject line "Been there done that." and I shocked the heck out of the guy with my insight into the matter. He actually thought that I might be someone who knew him in real life because I also "knew" a lot about him because I understand how his kind of engineer-brain works because of my background as a former engineering/math/science type. So we have "talked" about our lame*ss marital situations but not in any sort of whiny way. When I told him one of my 2bx's typical comments he e-mailed back



and described his ex as being equally "cold and callous". So, we've talked about sex (I told him I was HD and that I had a wide sexual bandwidth), I just haven't been sexy directly towards him until today. In my mind, it would be very odd if he didn't respond positively. It would be like he decided that he really didn't want what he stated he wants or need what he stated he needs. Also, the number 2 thing he indicated that he wanted from a woman was intelligence.

Mojo! If you're going to analyze this fledgling relationship to within an inch of its life, you'll get what you deserve. You're just *dating* and not even that, yet.

Don't be stupid (you're not stupid, are you?), but have fun! Make mistakes!!

LOL- You're absolutely right and I do know it. The problem is that I'm still hanging out on this dang BB with you guys 'cause you're so cool and there's nothin' else to do here but analyze relationships. I think I'll try to round up some of my real world friends and go out dancing tonight. Unfortunately, I really don't have any single girlfriends at the moment (except my sister who is recovering from cancer) so I guess I'll have to third wheel it with a married couple.

I do see one hint of a red flag. I don't like it when someone says tacky things about their ex... to virtually a total stranger. I'd be careful about doing that... and I'd be suspicious of someone else who does.

I know you're just fooling around and getting your feet wet, etc. But soon we're going to take off your training wheels, and you'll be on the superhighway alone.

Mojo, it seems to me that if you can ultimately find a guy with a normal level of sexual desire (and I think you know what I mean by that), who is kind, who had/has a healthy relationship with his mother, is financially responsible... he will worship the ground you walk on. You really don't need someone ULTIMATELY who will top your top.

I know you're in the early stages... but you really can't build a healthy relationship with someone based on complaints about your past R's-- that's just reactivity.

Yes, you can fcuk Capt. Wentworth if you want... just don't marry him.

LP,

See now for me I wouldn't see it as a red flag for someone to mention something about their ex. Because I think if I was ever divorced and was getting into another relationship for one I would very picky. But for two I would be very upfront about what I needed in a man. I also would very much appreciate it if a man could be very open about something that was painful for him and say listen I was in a SSM and won't be doing that again. So for me I think it is great he has mentioned somewhat on just what his needs would be.

I think it's totally appropriate for someone to MENTION their ex. What I didn't like was



One thing I always admired about my late H was that he never trashed his ex. Every grown up knows it takes two to break up a marriage. I don't like the idea of one person seeming to attribute the lack of compatibility to the other person's faults.

Note that I'm saying more than I don't like it when one person makes it the other person's fault (singular), but I'm saying I don't like it when one person seems to attribute the breakup to the other person's faultS (character flaws).

LP. First, thanks for the welcome. Forgot to say that in Choc's thread.

Second. Agree totally. "equally cold and callous" connotes to me that there is some kind of commiserating going on here on both sides-- hence the word, 'equally.'

I have made my share of mistakes but one thing I never did was mention x's and our R foibles-- even her infidelity to... shocking even to me, considering my hurt... not to ANYONE; not to family, friends etc.

I kept it between us. Should have sought a therapist, yes, but I had the utmost respect for x and our R... and I never ever bad-mouthed her to anyone. To me what we had was between us and forged over years of highs and lows of life.

IMO sacred. Other Fs have not put the time/life vicissitudes in to be part of our story. After, say, 10 years? Maybe. Not in the infatuation stage certainly IMO.

If x was unhappy, then I was responsible for at least my contribution to the unhappiness and taskked to find out why.

I am close to an F whose H, I can tell, really burned her in her M... but she never elaborates. I respect the hell out of her for that.

I stand by the saying... "If they bad-mouth/commiserate on what they lacked from their Xs... then they will say the same about you if/when the next one comes along."

And, no, Mojo, not saying you're bad-mouthing here. IMO from the vibe I get from you, you are a good heart and if you were into tadpoling, a gal like you might be just up my alley. Chuckle. Easy girl, this tadpole is still wondering why he looks like an ugly spermatazoa.

Cripes. What a sad thought. Still one kiss away from a frog and TWO freaking ones away from being Prince Charming. Smooch, smooch.

Back on topic, again, not saying you're in the wrong MJ. ust in danger of connecting to Mr. Butterworth (smirk) on an pseudo "misery and company" level.

Maybe good for an interim fukc but I'd rather work from a positive-only, let sleeping Rs lie perspective in an LTR. Methinks you're probably a few good Fs away from this anyway, so enjoy the maple-syrupy goodness ride, baby. :-)

-Stigmata-