Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Valentines day massacre

Thanks LN, I do have the db and dr books. Finished DR first day...I get alot of what it says....sometimes I wonder if she says I wasn't there for her...she felt like a single parent kind of thing (which I don't see...I was at every school function....read to the kids...taught em my nintendo moves...thought we had a great relationship till they hit teens and got boyfriends...kinda feel like lost a little, figured that was teenage kind of stuff...growing more independant...but my door is always open, y'know? ) Where was I...yeah, if I wasn't there for her and I detatch, am I making what went wrong worse??

I have left the DR book out but it was under a blanket and she moved blanket, so she knows I'm reading but I don't think she cracked it open.

I wasn't exactly faking happiness...really felt kinda good...may have just exagerated it a bit :-)

The kids seem ok..they got BF's and are always on the run so its hard to connect....there is no set dinner time anymore...they just eat whenever they are here and head to their rooms. They know whats going on because she talked to them....wouldn't doubt badmouthed me at that. I do find it hard to talk to them about this....makes me feel like the failure of a father that she says I am. She doesn't really connect with them anymore either but she gives them rides at least in her car which is more than I can even offer...

Anyway, W brought back the car...guess she got ride to the bars...at least I don't have to worry about her so much crashing the car...and I can take it to work instead of bike :-) Its still snowing!!!

Thank you LN and all others for your responses...it really means so much to me right now to have a place to empty my messed up head and get such helpful feedback.

She didn't come home last night...kinda worried, but I know I can't call. I assume she's at one of her girlfriends or something. I used to not sleep when she was out but that has been getting easier.
Its so hard to watch. She never used to be the type to drink more than 1 or 2 at the most, now she gets plastered every weekend. I feel like its all my fault that she's so unhappy...that I turned her into this.

Hi OL!

What's there to say? Hmmm... Well, first off you are never responsible for someone else's happiness. You can only own your own feelings. Sure, you can create an environment that helps happiness happen, but you can'te MAKE someone feel anything (except pain, and then only if you touch them).

Secondly, with grown up kids and the looming "empty nest" there are a lot of people, women especially since they tend to spend most of the time child raising, tend to look back and say "What now?". The "What now?" can really develope into "Why?" and then...bam MLC. Nothing was ever right, or good enough. I've wasted my time, you were always busy...blah, blah, blah.

So, who can you control? Why, YOU of course! You're also in the breakout stage of life when you'll have more time. Don't like your job? Change it! Don't like your clothes? Buy new ones! Money may be tight but there's always second hand affairs and let me tell you, some of that stuff is pretty nice.

You control you. You can only change you. Make YOURSELF content. Your spouse seems to just have started a wild ride. MLC, QLC, split danged crazy....who cares? Make yourself attractive. Work on making yourself a better person during this time and even if things go "pear shaped" you will still come out a better human being.

There are a lot of people here who are dealing with this. Lean on them. Ask for help. Look up people like FrankD who had to deal with a pretty big mess. You've only got to DO! Remember, Do or Not, there is no Try! (That should be the GAL motto!)

OTB

So she's going out to meet OM and can't get car out of driveway due to snow....and like a fool I push her out on her merry way. I make myself sick, should've told her to go to he11. She probably would've got a ride anyway...and shoveling is good for my anger...and snow ain't the only thing I'm shovellin around her lately...the BS is piling up pretty high. :-)

Its awkward when she's around...don't know what to say, if anything. She says we're still friends...maybe you are baby, but not me thank you. But what do friends say...where is the line?

OTB...thanks, I know you're right about controlling ME. I am working on that....it probably doesn't sound like it but I am taking steps. Its all uphill though..

I alternate between hating her and missing her so bad it hurts. I don't want to ever really hate her...doesn't even feel like her...its as if she was one of those pod people.

Any tips on stopping that racing hearbeat...hard to think straight when those hit.

Gonna poke around the forum a bit more...I know there is a ton of wisdom I've yet to tap..

Thanks all.....Happy St Patricks day!!!!!!!!!!!

Having a moment of anxiety here knowing she's out with "him" Not like I didn't know...just hits me here and there. Nice how she stops by and puts leftovers in fridge from restaurant they've been to. Just rub it in my face why don't you?

Heres a question: we still sleep together..in the same bed..should I hold her or should I just stay on my seperate side?...she doesn't seem to mind if I hold her, but she doesn't make any moves to hold me...mostly, there have been brief times when I move away she makes a move to bring me back.

Grasping at straws aren't I?

So she comes home and I'm acting all aloof...then I let it slip..."how do you do it...go out with another guy and come home like its nothing"....she says nothing and goes sleep on the couch. CRAP!!! Bad move....whats wrong with me..I know better...Grrr
This detatchment thing is gonna be harder than I think..

She got it down though :-(

Ughh...did everything wrong this morning...
Started with the "I know who you're with...you don't have to sneak aroung" and progressed to me insinuating that I know people that know this guy...and watch out, he may not be the nice guy you think he is kind of thing. I have no idea who this guy is... could be a nice guy...do know that he's married with kids...and is older...but I acted like I knew everything but didn't want to say anything because it would make me seem like the bad guy. "Just be careful...maybe ask around about him...how much do you really know about him anyway besides what he tells you...

Then it got interesting....I started to come more from a place of a really well meaning friend than a jealous husband. The things I told her are things I would tell to anyone....

You DO have to be careful out there....it IS a game to some guys...most guys are not in it just for a friendship, they do expect it to turn sexual at some point...and if this guy is married he's already got the regular sex, just waiting for the prize at the end of this ride. Guys don't need another friend...they got other guys for that.

Regardless of my feelings about the situation, I feel she is so sweet and innocent...and in a very vulnerable place right now..and I told her so. I said she should really take time and just be by herself once I leave and not to rush into anything...that she deserves better than some married guy, and even better than me....which she does...which is why I'm determined to become a better man because of this....I don't want her to just come back and still not be able to offer her the kind of life that I want to be able to give her

I've been a jerk in soo many ways...but I don't want to see her hurt...by me or anyone else. This may come off as being a little manipulative, but honestly its not how I meant it....I want the best for her and I especially don't want to be the reason for any more of her pain.

So, we had a really good talk about men and woman in general....how an emotional attatchment can sometimes hurt more than a sexual fling and all kinds of stuff like that...

She ended up saying that I make a better friend than a husband...ouch, but true in many ways.

Don't know what to do at this point...but at least we ain't avoiding the elephant in the room....and there is some dialog going on...

I somehow feel a little better about the situation and I don't know why....still think it'll come to a seperation, but, I don't know....feels like we connected in a way that hasn't happened a long time.

She was out with OM today again...brought back some leftover clams...really is weird sharing the food that the OM bought for her...she really is sticking to "he's just a friend" but I know he must have other plans.

She does seem more open to me...like she would be with a friend...'cept a little more guarded, but its better than its been.

Don't get me wrong....its hard man, really hard, but I like talking and laughing with her more than just trying to be all aloof....even if we're joking about her OM.

She jokingly said that I could sing her lullabyes and massage her to sleep...and of course I did...but she always makes sure to remind me that she's shut down, and not to get my hopes up. I tell her I know, which I do, but its the least I could do for all the crap I put her through...

After reading the DB books, I kind of feel like I'm doing the wrong things here....but it feels right in the moment...just afterwards I have these doubts.

I look back on our years and I see so many ways that I screwed up and wasn't there for her like she needed me to be...to continue that in the way of detatchment seems wrong at this point....I don't know... Even if she is going through a MLC, I don't see how being a unavailable jerk is going to help things.

Actually for me this is a 180....I know she never expected me to be as acceping of this OM as I might seem...bet she expected me to freak out, call her a slut and everything. I simply explained that I can see how these things can happen, especially as I have been a fool. Told her to take her time and really figure what she wants instead of rushing into it because of our problems...especially that the guy is married. Don't think he's gonna leave his wife for you....I'm pretty sure this is just a game to him....I mean if he wasn't happy get out, right?

I got to trust that she knows what she's doing and try to be the guy she comes to when this fails...Auggh, I'm becoming the OM :-)

Yes...another incoherant babbling post by OL CHeers!

Ahhh, another wonderful day. Just informed that the place I'm working at will be shut down for at least 30 days if not more....
I hate the place anyway, but at least it was some kind of money.

She has made it clear that she wants me out regardless.

In quite the pickle I am....

Gonna go pick out a nice refrigerator box..:-)

Hope all of you are well.

OL,
Man, I am so sorry. I know you're hurting and need support. The boards seem kind of quite too. I will try hard to make time to post here to you. You're doing well, considering. Don't give up. People read and think about you even if they don't post.

So hang in there OL. I'll try to post tonight or tomorrow morning.