There is one thing I don't do and that is criticize. Because I do honestly appreciate the help. But then sometimes I get angry at the word help as I just used because this is his house to. But we just have different values. I was brought up in a very organized and clean home. So for me it's like I can't rest if the house is a mess. Although I am getting better.LOL
He was also raised in a home where his mom worked full time and did all the house stuff. His dad did do things like yard work, vehicle repairs, and was always putting gas in her car. I don't think she ever fueled her car. So he did dome nice things. But cooking or cleaning was never done.
An example of something I got mad about last week was this... Once again I was stretched to the limit trying to get everything done that week. On this one particular day I had a paper to write. A chapter to study. I had to go into work. Had a parent teacher conference to attend. Then had to pick my son up from school after the conference. My husband had the nerve to get angry at me and ask me if I was ever going to get the oil changed in the car and that it was 500 miles over due. Man I blew a gasket.
Once again I was stretched to the limit trying to get everything done that week. On this one particular day I had a paper to write. A chapter to study. I had to go into work. Had a parent teacher conference to attend. Then had to pick my son up from school after the conference. My husband had the nerve to get angry at me and ask me if I was ever going to get the oil changed in the car and that it was 500 miles over due. Man I blew a gasket.
What does this have to do with your H? Why did you get mad at him? I agree that he should volunteer to help out more, but that doesn’t mean he should be able to read your mind. Is there a reason you don’t ask him to help out, to go to the parent teacher conference for you, to pick up HIS son?
If you have been playing martyr for most of your marriage, then when your H asks about you getting the oil changed, he is only acting in line with how you have helped train him. You, the martyr, do everything. So he expected you to do this other thing. Where did he break the pattern?
This is a boundary issue for you. In order to feel appreciated, you need to be able to ask for and accept help, to do that you need to have proper boundaries for others as well as for yourself, to do that you need to eliminate your drive for acceptance through martyrdom, to do that you need to look into yourself. Once you are able to break this cycle, the ball shifts into his court and he will have to answer to any attempts to violate your boundaries.
When I read your example, what jumped out at me was the "My husband had the nerve to get angry at me" statement. Would it have made any difference if he had merely asked the question or pointed out the mileage without the attitude of anger toward you?
I ask because I know it would for me. I would probably still have been annoyed but would not have "blown a gasket." The point about changing the oil I could understand even if it was not the same priority for me; the anger or accusation about it would not be understandable.
I thought the point of your story was not that your H has to read your mind. It seemed more that you have to read his mind. He may have been angry because you did not recognize the importance of changing the oil which is important to him, maybe he feels you aren't competent, worried that you do not care for the car properly, etc. Do you know why he was angry?
This was my interpretation anyway.
I liked Cobra's comments and thoughts. They lead to these questions. Were you angry at your H because he had not recognized how much you have on your plate and had not volunteered to help? Does your H know that you feel overloaded and need help or are you expecting him to read your mind? From the short example it is hard to know that background.
By the way, have you read Anne Morrow Lindbergh's book "Gift from the Sea?" If not, please pick it up because I think it is so applicable to the busy world we all live in and are trying to survive in. I appreciated it very much myself.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Because he knew I was stretched and yet he still asked more of me. Also asking me to do something he supposed to be responsible for.
Is there a reason you don’t ask him to help out, to go to the parent teacher conference for you, to pick up HIS son?
Because it seems when I do ask he always acts so put out.
You are right early in the marriage maybe I did do everything. But back then I was a SAHM. Before I went to work I sat down and talked to him. I told him my concerns about this and me getting burnt out from having to do way to much. I told him I felt the dynamics were changing and expected him to put in 50% to the household. He did agree he would help out. I take people for their word. I feel he went back on this. So it angers me. Don't pacify and say what you want to butter me up because he thought I should start working. Do what you say and say what you mean.
Would it have made any difference if he had merely asked the question or pointed out the mileage without the attitude of anger toward you?
I don't think I would have been as angry. But annoyed because like I mentioned above this is supposed to be his responsibility and he doesn't have many.
Do you know why he was angry?
I think because he had helped out some the day before and was angry anything was asked of him. He works he feels he shouldn't have to slave in the home to. He has said this/ He also said the kid's should do a lot more. Then I point out I didn't have children to have them as little slaves. They have a ton of homework on many nights. As well as preparing for school that night.(showering, packing book bags, laying out clothes) It just really boils down I think to the fact that he feels this kind of work is not his place.
Were you angry at your H because he had not recognized how much you have on your plate and had not volunteered to help?
Yes, in a way I was. I mean he can see me never having anytime to myself. Always having something to do. It never enters his mind to help out the one person you are supposed to love and cherish.
Does your H know that you feel overloaded and need help or are you expecting him to read your mind?
Just an example of a day here today. I got up on my only day off and cleaned the living room. I vacuumed the house. Did all the laundry. Did some yard work. Then I started to study. Hubby gets up and announces he was going to his friend's house to help him with something. He said I will be back at 4:30. I said good because daughter has to be at work at 5:00 and I am studying for the rest of the day. 4:00 rolls around and it is time to leave so I call him on cell and ask if he is near and he says no. I told him thanks a lot I am trying to study. I don;t have enough obligations so I will drive her to. Then I told him I just can't do this anymore with him. And told him don't bother coming home. I get home and he is here. Doesn't say a word of course. Just goes outside and fiddles with his car. Doesn't pick up a finger. Then asks younger daughter what I had planned for dinner. So she comes in and asks me. I told her ask her dad what he plans because I am studying.
I realized today that even with me going to school sure I feel good about it and is something I want to achieve for myself. But I also realized I am doing it with one foot out the door. Meaning I know I will make more money and be way more able to take care of myself and children on a financial basis. I don't want to be mom anymore. I love him I really do. But I feel like I don't know how to break the cycle I am in. I have troed many times to do things differently. Nothing works at all. He is one stubborn man. I can very much relate to MJ and the feeling like you have to carry your husband.
Why are you going back to work? I don’t have a problem with it, but I think your H does. My wife started back about a year ago. I think it was good for her because she tended to do a lot of martyr stuff, like you. Going to work allows her to focus on other things, not just the kids. So I was in favor of it.
But as our relationship started to go downhill, I realized she was not working to bring in more money, but to become independent and eventually D. So her work was a major threat to me. She had one foot way out the door.
I also had to adjust to the studying and then working, because it was nice to come home after work and have everyone there, that the house was kept up (well, sort of) and that I could relax and just worry about my chores, mostly the outside work. Now I do pitch in more and while I am ok doing it, if I had my druthers, I’d rather we go back to the old days.
Perhaps a lot of this is running through your H’s mind as well. If you two are not getting along, I’m sure he is thinking it is only a matter of time until you leave him. So he may be acting childishly and passive aggressively by withdrawing and not helping out. He feels vulnerable.
I know you feel the same way, so rather than get mad at him, maybe try a different approach. Try telling him how hard you are working to help ensure a better future for the BOTH of you. Tell him how overwhelmed and scared you are, ask him to get involved and help you out, ask for his input and advice wherever you can. Make him feel involved, instead of the outsider.
Then you need to feel more confident in expressing yourself before the resentment build to boiling. Make yourself vulnerable by asking for help, rather than get mad because it doesn’t come. All that will do is set you two into a major power struggle. BTDT and believe me, you want to avoid this.
I told him thanks a lot I am trying to study .. …..Nothing works at all Your H is at fault but handling it that way won’t get you what you want.
It would have been better to tell him, he agreed to be home by 4:30 and he needs to carry out what he previously agreed to do. If he can't take your d to work, then it is up to him to pay for a ride so she gets there on time.
Natural and logical consequences are the best teachers/methods to changing poor behaviors.
And told him don't bother coming home. A statement like this is just digging the hole deeper TTHO.
Then asks younger daughter what I had planned for dinner. So she comes in and asks me. I told her ask her dad what he plans because I am studying That is the way to do it TTHO. I call this statement problem solving (what to have for dinner and how it is getting on the table) It is also natural and logical.
TTHO Imagine yourself as a single parent would you be happier? You would have NO ONE to help out with anything. You would still have to work do ALL the chores ALL the yard work ALL the home maintenance etc.etc. Maybe you think you would be happier because you wouldn't have to be married to someone that isn't meeting your expectations of what your H should be doing for you.
In an ideal world you should share chores equally but the reality is lots of women do most of the housework /childcare while working. Maybe it isn't fair but seems to be the norm. Does it cause resentment ONLY IF YOU LET IT. Stop expecting him to change GET A CLEANER and praise him for the extra jobs he IS doing for you. I know no one praises you for all the housework YOU do but men repond better to praise than nagging or BEING TOLD they're not doing enough.
If you don't want a divorce start reading and understand that the only person YOU can change is YOU
TTHO Imagine yourself as a single parent would you be happier? You would have NO ONE to help out with anything. You would still have to work do ALL the chores ALL the yard work ALL the home maintenance etc.etc. Maybe you think you would be happier because you wouldn't have to be married to someone that isn't meeting your expectations of what your H should be doing for you.
I don't know if I could be happier. I do know that while I may be just as tired doing everything single. The one thing I wouldn't have is resentment. It would be my choice. Because sometimes I think that it already feels like I am doing it alone. As of right now there isn't to much to praise for.
