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I don't know squat. I can read and what I read is that your X is still going through the final stages of Her mlc, not yours. She doesn't trust herself, much less you. She does not want to relapse into the fog, and is concerned your aggressive attention may trigger trouble.

Forget that you had 20 years. You did not have 20 years with the person you just broke it off with. Did you expect her to be your everything, or a friend in a growning R? Were you behaving the same with her, as you are now with your X?

Remember, she is your X, not your W. She was MLC and has a track record for slipping away. It would take very little for her to decide this is too much too quick, and fog out on you. She sees she still has control over your emotions. That may be more pressure and responsibility than she wants.

My X told my sons as they were growing up and dating to be aloof, not clingy, the girls want what they can not have.

Nuff said, except for I have fingers crossed for you.

Was2sad, thats for your insight. I never really thought of her as being MLC. But now that I look at it she did say some of the classic MLC lines like "I got married too young, "I didn't date enough", I didn't have enough partying when I was younger"

Aloof it is.

I dropped D10 off yesterday afternoon and my exW was very friendly and telling me about her trip. She bought me a ball cap which I thought was nice.
She was very tired and had a lot of laundry to do so she said getting together later that night didn't look possible, but she would call if something changes. She never called, so I will wait to see if she communicates with me today.

Ok, I need somebody to whack me with a 2 x 4.

Had a long conversation with a friend of mine who feels I letting my wife dictate this whole process. Seems like all of friends feel I letting her control the outcome and I am the one giving emotional and getting nothing in return.
I have tried to explain to them the MLC she went threw but it falls on deaf ears.
There is a part of me that is fed up with walking on eggshells.
I feel I deserve more of a commitment than she is giving, I am the one that broke off a relationship, I am the one that contacts her most of the time and I am the one that has distanced myself from her brother to make her feel more comfortable.

She called me today to discuss a basketball camp for my D10, wanted to make sure it was ok with me. She was pleasant, but I was expecting her to say why don't you come over later. I know I shouldn't expect anything

A part of me wants to sit her down and tell her I need to know if she if committed to making this work and if so she needs to make feel like she is trying. I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore, I deserve better. I know she will never find anybody with the qualities and ability to love her like I do. She has dated, she admits the grass isn't greener.
I am not looking for a promise just a commitment to working on meeting my needs. Is this selfish, yes. Is it good DB'ing no.

The converstaion with my friend just got me really thinking, why I am I making all of the sacrifices. I am already divorced, she should be counting her blessings that I will try again.

Ok, whack away.

ddc,

Like W2, I can only hazard a guess. And wtf??? would occur to me as well if I were in your shoes. Check out stuff on "Piecing" together to get an idea of this roller coaster as well. I am in "piecing" and feel my M is on track now--BUT there are definitely mixed emotions about H b/c he hurt me so badly and the kids, etc. So my own roller coaster has just started, as I finally got off of H's roller coaster. ANYHOW, expect mixed emotions, yin and yang blah blah blah. BUT you say you have changed and so far, you do believe she has as well. Good. Also, you said YOU had hurt HER in the past, so what's up with "all the sacrifices" statement, if you had a big role in the D anyhow? I am just saying, couldn't SHE argue that she is afraid of getting hurt again too?

Last but not least, do NOT listen to the punitive friends you have. Most of my gf's would have already been divorced if they were in my shoes. Thank God I didn't listen to them. My sisters were smart/kind enough to say they'd support me either way, but the divorced sisters described in ugly detail, what a divorce REALLY means for someone with kids.

So here is what I asked myself, and now will ask you. Given your own changes and the new you, what do you have to lose by trying with the X?

What conditions would/should/could you put on a new R with her, and on yourself and on her? (Like how much disclosure--don't snoop no matter what--financial issues, etc.).

Do read up on the MLC b/c it does sound as if she had one, AND definitely read what BND (brandnewday) has said to me about taking the X back. It's very helpful.
good luck and

Remember that most of the people on this board, would LOVE to have your dilemma. Really. Remember to thank the Guy upstairs sometime...no matter what happens. You've been given a gift - the gift of choice. IF you do get back together you could be a model of reconciliation, forgiveness and commitment. Quite a legacy for your children someday, and the world. Either way, good luck.
j-

25yearmlc,

thanks for the reply. I actually read your thread early this morning. It is a roller coaster and I thought that ride had stopped but then she gave may a coupon for one more spin!

I know friends are looking out for your best interest and they can not understand the pain we put our S through. Even though we weren't the sole reason for the breakup, we did contribute.

If you decide to try and have some sort of R with her then TAKE IT SLOWLY. I cannot believe that taking it slow could hurt much, at worse it just slows things down. Could be wrong, but seems to me the risk is MUCH higher if you go too fast. And the risk is on both sides, to be fair. maybe what you see as her not really trying, is actually her really trying to take it slow. You are not really "dating" her even if you do start to get really close, b/c this is not the same as a "get to know you" and "infatuation" stage type of R. It is a reconnection at the very least, of two people who once loved each other and beneath the anger and hurt, still do. At a minimum, you can be good friends if you protect your heart and she protects hers and you are on the same sheet of music. Or, you can grow closer, slowly but steadily. Feel things out. Back off if you need to, but do it lovingly, yet with signs that you DO have a life other than her. Hard to balance it all, I get that.

Did I mention my 2 relatives who remarried their ex'es? They both said the 2nd time around WAS better. So there you go. BTW, it took 5 years to reconnect in one of the Ms, and 8 (yes, eight) years in the other. But that was awhile ago and they're still going strong in the latter case, and the first case my uncle died after remarrying my aunt, they had 6 years of additional marriage and she was at his side when he passed away, as were their children. No way would that death have been as peaceful, had they not reconciled. If it works, it's a beautiful thing.

Good luck,
j-

DDC,

If you truly want this to work out, rule #1 - DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS outside of this forum or other forums that understand MLC. How can you possibly win your W back by being mean, setting expectations that she is not ready to meet or be demanding and in her eyes controlling. Your W is still very scared and wants to be sure, so slow and steady is the answer. What is your rush now?

It is really unfortunate but a lot of people really do not understand MLC and some do not believe there is such a thing.

If you haven't ever done it before, read all you can on MLC and definitely check out others in the Piecing forum. There is some great info in the MLC Forum. You got some good advice from 25yrsmlc and there is so much more advice you will get from others from the Piecing forum who have gone through what you did.

Like 25yrsmlc said, many of us here would love to have the opportunity that has been given to you.

I Still Love Him
You are so right about not listening to your friends, I swear I they look at me like I have two heads.

I have re-focused my attention to other things right now and I am not calling or texting her everyday. Don't want her to feel I up her butt. But then again she likes the attention so I will have to feel her out to make sure I don't put too much distance between us.
She did call me yesterday and wanted to know if I wanted to come in Thursday to have my teeth cleaned (exW is a dental hygientist). I had mentioned I needed to get my teeth cleaned a couple of weeks ago, she hasn't done them in about 3 years (there was a time I didn't want her any where my mouth with a sharp object ) .
She said I can get you in Thursday 11:45am and all it will cost you is lunch! I looked at that as a baby step she has never invited me to lunch before. I also reminded her that the C appt was for this Friday and we needed to make arrangements for our D10. She had forgotten and said no problem she will pick her up from school and drop her off at a friends house.
I took that as another baby step, I was worried she would have second thoughts about that and back out.

I think at lunch tommorrow I will see if she wants to come over my house Sat nite, I'm thinking about cooking us some steaks on the grille and watching a movie. Hopefully my D10 can sleep over a friends house.

DDC,

It is all about balance. Not too distant and yet not too smothering. I agree that her fitting you in for a cleaning, agreeing to go to counselling are great baby steps and you need to let her feel like she is a choice.

As for a Saturday night dinner at your place, I'm a little skeptical about sending your daughter to a friend's place. I think it is too soon. Perhaps you can have your D10 invite a friend so that she can have someone to play with while you spend time with your W. She may feel uncomfortable just with the two of you, JMO. I am so happy for you.

I won't hijack your thread but I will be starting a new thread tonight as my last one locked a few weeks ago. I just received an email from H who said he is submitting D papers and wanted to give me the heads up. Nice, eh? I will need your advice as I now enter the stage you are now coming out of.

Hugs to you and hope all goes well tomorrow,
ISLH