Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Treading Water

I haven't seen/spent any time with H for ten days--hopefully he'll be home this weekend. He has been very good to call often and chat, and I appreciate that very much. It's still a little scary to know that he's working in OW's facility this next day or two, and though I believe he's not into it with her, it's pretty tough to not worry about it. He lied to me for so long, it's scary to be here. Yuk. BUT I AM STRONG AND HIS ACTIONS DO NOT AFFECT MY EMOTIONS. So I'm still working on the garbage-in-garbage-out process with these worries.

I have considered the idea that H is avoiding really committing himself back to our R, because he has no idea where to start, and it's overwhelming and confusing. So it's just a lot easier to avoid and pretend he doesn't have any responsibilities.

In that case, and since he seems to be open to R talk as long as it doesn't get too intense and I stay calm, would it be right for me to start talking about this a little? He will never bring it up. I know that for a fact.

Perhaps if I can break it down into baby steps I can ask for without threatening, it will open the door for him?

You are absolutly right on the money with this one...At least IMHO. I know that a guys pride and Ego are a majority of what they live their lives by. Once one of those things are broken it is hard to fix. Example, H cheats on you and realizes that he was wrong and wants to fix it but is too damn stubborn to commit to it for two fold.

A) He will be reliving his mistake and as a guys we do not want to do that....We try everything to avoid it.

B) He has to admit that he was wrong....Pride.

Now as far as initiating R talk, How long has it been since you have talked about it at all?

I appreciate your comments Ben--your perspective helps a lot!

Our last R talk was January-ish and he was mostly open, and I tried to keep it safe. I'm definitely not pestering him about anything.

How is your sitch? I try to keep up, but it gets a little tough to slog through your wild-fire threads!

My sitch is at a stand still so all we really do over there is play around and make people laugh...

Child Custody hearing is on April 4th....I actually can not wait. However my Son pissed me off a little bit lastnight. Mind you I was not pissed at him but at what he said and who put it in his head. Basically the two crazy women are now telling my son that I am taking him away from his mother and she will never be able to see him....Oh well to be expected. Thanks for asking.

Now back to you....

Have you started something simple like where do you see yourself later in your life? (I am stealing this one from 1210 you might want to read what she wrote to SOL on his thread). Basically what she suggested is a way to figure out what is on your H mind with out prying or pushing him in anyway. I really think it might be something that you would want to look into....

Basically It was just asking him about his self and what he was planning in his life...Check it out I think it might help you out a little bit.


As far as start the R talk I am going to say something that people will dissagree with but I think You have the right to ask simple and non-stressful questions about your R. You (IMHO) should ask for your own sanity. Now constant questioning is not the right thing to do but it has been a while since you have said anything and nothing has really seemed to change at all. Not to mention when you do ask as long as you keep it light he is receptive.

Check out Sol's thread and let me know what you think. They were talking lastnight about it...

K, I checked out Sol's thread, and I see what you're saying.

H has talked about our future together many times since the bomb in July. He said within the first few weeks that he wants to be a family, to be with me and our kids. He talks about big house and yard projects (even suggesting building a new house), buying and modifying a quad for me, lots of things like that without prompting or questioning from me.

For me, I see us together, raising and enjoying our kids, doing fun things both with them and just as a couple. I want to be a real partnership--on the same page, working for the same things, happy together and in our-selves. I want to worship together, spend a few evenings a week together working on our home or relaxing. I want to travel and play and talk and be each other's safe place. I want to cheer him on to success in the things he wants to do in life. I want for him to do the same for me. I want to set an example of a loving, thriving, respectful relationship for my children.

That's all off the top of my head, and I think that I can take that and break it down into bite-size pieces to work on asking from him. I agree with you that I need to be aware of the state of my R. And I think I can do it in a smart, respectful way.

Oh, and btw, I'm sorry your STBX and her mother are trying to manipulate your kids. I'm so glad you're there for them!

Aud,
Just rolling in. I think what OSU suggested is good. I have done a little and mean a little R talk prompting. I just would find a moment that felt secure and just blurt out how I was feeling with things, or the day. It didnt puit her on the defensive and strangely she did open up..
Of course everyone is different and we are what your thread states "treading water" but you kind of have to wave your arms occasionally to do this.
Just wanted to say you are steady and enjoy your support on the other side of the tracks...peace

Cool...I thought that it would help you out. Like I said just becareful and do not bite off more than you can chew.


Maybe even talk about doing some of the things that he suggested...The smaller ones that is.

New development today. Well, it started brewing yesterday, and I wish I could say I didn't see it coming.

H's typical work trip pattern has been to be 3-5 days later than originally planned. Every time. Which made it oh-so-convienient to conduct extramarital affairs for three years. This happened, that happened, he needed more equipment to finish the job, he needed a day or two to crash after a week of 18 hour days/nights at work...blah, blah, blah.

He was supposed to be home this weekend. First real trip since the bomb and the baby steps back toward our M. Yesterday, he was having unexpected trouble with a server. Today it's the same server and several client computers and a printer. Can't get the equipment until Monday. So he's in OW's town over the weekend without the things he needs to finish his job, and certainly some free time on his hands. I believe him, want to believe him more than anything. But how do I not feel disappointed and somewhat scared?

I'm doing okay...trying to keep myself upbeat and focus on the fact that he sounded really upset that things weren't going smoothly, that he sounded so sincere when he said he just wanted to get out of that town. I know he needs to feel trust/acceptance/approval from me to feel ready to come home. How do I give him these things when I feel so afraid that he isn't being honest with me?

This is natural and it will take a lot of time to get past your insecurities.



Have you told him that you are scaredand want to trust him...That you are trying to do just that but it is hard because of what you both have done to ruin the old M?