Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy He is leaving to be alone to THINK - now what?

My h was/is the opposite - if I pushed him out completely he may have gone to the Ow entirely. H loved how low stress and caring I was when we talked - we still did family meals and he felt the old bantering fun times return. Ow was putting to much pressure on him again and I vowed to make myself the only positive light in his life for the moment. You have to decide what is best for you and how your H will react. I agree with the no sex until the 3rd person is gone though - that is totally having his cake and eating it too!

My h was/is the opposite - if I pushed him out completely he may have gone to the Ow entirely. H loved how low stress and caring I was when we talked - we still did family meals and he felt the old bantering fun times return. Ow was putting to much pressure on him again and I vowed to make myself the only positive light in his life for the moment. You have to decide what is best for you and how your H will react. I agree with the no sex until the 3rd person is gone though - that is totally having his cake and eating it too!

My h was/is the opposite - if I pushed him out completely he may have gone to the Ow entirely. H loved how low stress and caring I was when we talked - we still did family meals and he felt the old bantering fun times return. Ow was putting to much pressure on him again and I vowed to make myself the only positive light in his life for the moment. You have to decide what is best for you and how your H will react. I agree with the no sex until the 3rd person is gone though - that is totally having his cake and eating it too!

A wonderful book you should read is "Getting Back Together." It talks a lot about the positives of separation, and even explains why it's important to have enough time to think. heal and grow (two weeks doesn't sound long enough to me).

I used to think quite negatively about separation until I read this book. It helped give me another perspective. I hope during the separation you'll use the time for personal growth and GAL. Try to plan some special things during that time and really focus on you (and the kids).

And definitely let husband be. He needs space and you probably need it too. Probably much more than you even realize.

Root,

How 'bout 4yrs of separation, long enough?? LOL!

Can you tell me who wrote the book your mentioning, "Getting Back Together"?? Thats' one i'd like to read,,i'm having some big doubts right now!

Thanks, Kim

Root,

How 'bout 4yrs of separation, long enough?? LOL!

Can you tell me who wrote the book your mentioning, "Getting Back Together"?? Thats' one i'd like to read,,i'm having some big doubts right now!

Thanks, Kim

I don't see that as the opposite - going to her entirely is exactly what my h implied he would do if didn't play the game his way! So i pushed - and he tried it - and he found that what he had with her while "fun" was by no means essential to his life - but his family was. By this time Heartbroken i had already been doing family meals and lighthearted DBing for nearly a year. Yes he enjoyed it - had no idea how it killed me to make him feel good in this situation. I could see he was gonna sit on that fence for ever and i could feel my self respect and love for him both suffering - it was time to call a halt. This moment comes at diff times for everyone - seems like Ourcrisis may have reached hers. Doing it is VERY scary but also very empowering - a real taking back of control. She isn't "pressuring" him at all, she is merely stating HER boundaries, withdrawing and sticking to them. Good luck OurCrisis.

Doe,

You are so right - I never did consider the timeline. I know for a fact I would have been like you too. It was only two weeks with him at the apt. seeing her on weekends (when he did not have the kids) and I was already having issues. I would have gone dark in a hurry had he not told her buh bye as fast as he did. H said he did not want to hurt her - but what he failed to realize how much I was hurting each time he was with her (I was good at the DB thing - cool and GAL all the time - refused to show him my pain!)...

H was very close to leaving in Nov (we had separation agreement drafted up) but we had to delay because of all the planned vacations in Dec and we decided it's better to wait till Jan for the kids. I DB'ed lots during Nov/Dec/Jan and it worked. He came much closer to me than her.
But like Doe said about DB, "it killed me to make him feel good in this situation" and "my self respect and love for him both suffering". He knows everyone is suffering. I am losing respect for him every day for sitting on the fence. (same comment from OW, according to him). I would have DB'ed a little longer but h apparently wants to end the suffering. Hence the moving out to be alone to think. For that I have a bit more respect for him.
I am also at a calmer state now to handle whatever that may happen. H is very independent, my worst fear now is him going to OW, but also like Doe said, h may actually enjoy his freedom so much that he will just leave (may be not even with OW) and be alone. He is not one who craves family routines. Another month or so and this will be clear.

OC - I certainly do feel for you. Sometimes I wish my H would just move out to see what it's like away from his family. He did talk about it right after telling me about the A but now he won't go.. he's too comfortable. H has also talked about being alone and not even sure that OW is for him. It's so darn strange, isnt' it?? I really do think leaving shakes things up and at least makes them see things differently, don't you?