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Thanks so much for your words of advice and for your caring thoughts. Though H did not leave our home physically he was in the guest room since Aug - up to the Master Nov - down to the guest room Dec - Up in Jan - when he finally admitted the OW. But the working on us lasted two weeks - he did not really give her up. So now with him out in the apt - he made the decision to leave her this time. I basically asked him to in Jan - he was doing the right thing but not what he wanted. He says its diff this time 'cuz he picked the time and how it went down.

Do I have trust issues with them reconnecting - YES, HELL YES!! But he also knows if he is messing with my heart this time there will NEVER be the amicable divorce he so wanted. I was hurt to bad the last time that I will not hurt that way again. He will have to earn his way back in by his actions - no longer do I believe his words.

Today when he called and told me Ow already called this morning I saw a change in actions and told him how happy I was that he was finally honest with me. H did not see me lose control get all sad - I honestly thanked him for telling me. This is H first hurdle - to stop all the lies. I know we have a long way to go but H is needs to really feel he is truly over her and show me he is over her before he can come home. We live in a small town and Ow WAS in the same social circle - lots of people know their sitch and very few were supportive. She is moving further away (8 miles wow) - (vs down the street like she was hoping) but she will have to come to her ex's (down the street) to get the kids. So she will always be there. Our two oldest are in the same class, we will see her at school events, plays, graduations...H has to be over her or we cannot get through this...

Baby steps and it's still day by day. But at least I think he's finally off the fence and for once on my side - yes it may be for now and I will not forget that for awhile. But this whole time from Aug - Dec he was on the OW /Divorce side then Jan/Feb he was ON the fence finally he's made the decision. Now I pray he can mean it and be true to his W and family - only time will tell!!

Heartbroken --

I TOTALLY agree with everything you said. Wow, it's ironic, but my H and I only worked on our R for two weeks before he left again...

At any rate, I see tremendous hope and progress in your situation and am so glad to hear that he is finally on your side of the fence, the RIGHT side of the fence. I wasn't trying to dash your hopes, but rather to just tell you the mistakes I made when we tried to reconcile in hopes you could learn from them. I don't want you to go through what I did, or it sounds like also what you've already been through once...

So, I applaud you for all of your hard work and all that you've accomplished and am so glad that you are now working on things together and that H's attitude/honesty is improving. That is wonderful news. Keep up the good work - just don't get over excited like I did and go too fast, okay? Yes, you're right, BABY STEPS!!! Congratulations again - I think you need to change your screen name?!?!?!

HB and 294-

What was the catalyst for their changes? Dif both your H's have to move out to get a true taste of what they wanted? Did they have to see that they would miss the Family times in the house and an APT doesn't cut it?

Not to HJ, but I am struggling today with the realization my W is/has moved from EA to PA. She says that she is moving out on or about May 1, and has called an attorney re her rights.

It feels like she is so sure of herself that the D is right. Were your H's that way as well?

Thanks

I thought about changing it - cannot jinx it yet. The heart is still broken and maybe it's mending but I know we need to take it slow or we'll end up in the same boat...

You did not dash my hopes - they always need a little dash just to keep things in perspective.

I wish you the strength to become the best you possible!! You sound like an awesome lady!

Here's a quote I found out here in DB world:

There are many paths to the gaining of wisdom but all begin with a broken heart...

Thanks!

HB

Hey, MCO --

Unfortunately, I am not in the same wonderful boat as Heartbroken - yet. Feel free to read up on my situation... Too long to post here on Heartbroken's thread! Ha!

But, no, H does not know what the heck he wants... One minute he says we're going to be okay, the next he says he doesn't want to be married to me, the next he says there is hope. He only recently said that he didn't want to be married to me, and it was the FIRST time had had said that, but it was after days of me chasing and pressuring him, so I've been told not to take that to heart... So, hang in there. Your W is confused, whether she wants to admit it or not. Otherwise, why wouldn't she move out sooner and file for D? There is still hope. Keep Dbing. When/if she gets out on her own without you, that might be just what is needed. My H has been basically gone (hasn't actually MOVED OUT, just has packed a bag of clothes and toiletries - like he's on vacation or something...) since November and hasn't woken up yet, and I have faith that he will, just as Heartbroken's H is doing now. So hang in there.... and be patient. That is the hardest thing. Heartbroken hung in there for 8 whole months, and then it only took two weeks away for her H to come to his senses...

HB,

Yes, probably best not to jinx it yet. Baby steps, right?

Thanks for your encouragement. I will get there, in time.

I loved your quote. Thanks for the inspiration... I needed that.

Heartbroken, I finally got a chance to read your whole thread. I am glad that your h is jumping off the fence. Your h is in some ways similar to my h (people pleaser, can't let go of OW) so I will be following your thread.
For now, I just want to congratulate you.

Thank you! I will read your sitch ASAP. I just got off the phone with him - he says he needs the passion and I get that but he needs to remember my emotional needs.

I really think he first need to truly see he's done with her and then we can really begin to fix us. I am cool on the phone - but just want to hug and touch him when I am with him. It's so hard but if we can get through the next 4-6 wks then we can really start to reconnect. We are slowly starting to connect now - but being in DB mode I am really trying to slow it down. He's going to feed the kids at the apt Wed. and then we are doing family dinner here Thursday. I asked him to do family movie nite Friday, But Sat. I am out with friends - already have the St. Pats shirt! Now I would much rather be with him but I also have to continue my life...

Who would have thought the last 9 mos have flown by but then seemed to have not moved at all - I guess the world has kept moving and I have been stuck in this limbo... I cannot wait for Spring. It was over 70 here today - the neighbor and I walked tonight for 40 mins. It was a good nite even with him at the apt...

MC,

I asked him just Sunday (after he ended it with Ow) if he had just contacted our financial planner or was there more? He said he researched lawyers in the area and even picked a female one thinking that's what I would want. He laughed at the stupidity of it. 1) I doubt we could even share a lawyer and 2) I'd be stupid enough to use one he picked female or not!!!

My H says it was the whole pkg he missed. He knew how much I changed, how I gave him his freedom - helped move him to a sex pad to be with Ow but he really saw what the juggling of the kids did - they do not care for the apt and he now has to juggle the Ow and kids (they were NOT to find out). But a big piece for us was the outside world (our social circle) was not to understanding. Nobody was giving them any support as a couple - DUH!! I just kept being the loving supportive wife who said the door would be open. But also if he waited to long I may not be there when he did finally decide...

I saw your post on my sitch. thanks. My h also sugar coat his seeing ow. Nowadays I know he is seeing her sometimes at lunch (or even breakfast). But hardly any at dinner/night. My personal opinion is just prepare yourself in case your h cannot cut of contact totally and go back and forth for a while. It is tough on the kids. I am in the same way in that h needs to find an excuse for now to tell the kids why he is not home for a while. He travels for work so we can think of something there.
Your comment on 9 months not moving truly strikes me. Sometimes I think how much I could have accomplished if I were not in this limbo. But then i did read tons of books so that ought to count as something.