Thanks! I started thinking about this last night - did not sleep well despite the sitch changes - guess I am not so sure how positive he is at the moment - only time will tell... Five grand is cheaper than a divorce and it's only money!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Well I am unbelievable right now. H has truly ended it from his side - though he was not completely honest with her (no mention that he wants to be with me) and guess what he thinks the reasons he gave will be enough. Well he sure was surprised that she text msg'd in less than 24 hrs - thank God I was standing there. He did not hide it and we talked about him really being honest about all her attempts. She called this morning and he told me all about it. I thanked him/praised him for being honest about it. H needs to get back to the truth....
We are trying not to get physical - but that's hard. I feel like we are teenagers again. He will stay at the apt for 2-3 mos to let us truly get her out of our lives and for us to 'date' and rebuild. H is still in a selfish mode big time though. I saw my C last night and came home and started talking about hard issues with H and he wanted to just leave for the apt rather than deal with me. This is a major issue he needs to fix before we are through the woods. He avoids conflict (like Ow) and always tries to flee but somehow I need to convince him that I still want to be us but I need to get through a lot of crap first. Just because I have these things to process does not mean I am giving up on us - I fought to damn hard to get this far. I know I can forgive but I just can't forget all this. H is having a hard time understanding this and it will take time.
I also feel bad because so many of you are in the world of hurt still and I think I may need to move to the Piecing forum. I don't want to add salt to your wounds with where I am at. It's a hard call. I truly believe H wants me back and we are finally working on us. So piecing seems the next logical step I guess. Any feedback? Thanks!
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Hey! Don't feel badly about moving onto piecing!!! Of course, we still expect you to stop in here and advise the rest of us. You were so darn strong and powerful through this and we can all learn so much from how you have handled yourself - your self-control and will power - truly amazing.
The best thing is that you are still showing that control in knowing that you need to work on the things that put you here to begin with. You know that you cannot brush it under the rug and move on without realizing and forcing those changes.
You are an incredible role model of what following the DB'ing techniques can do to increase your confidence and yield results!
Thanks! I really have learned a ton with DBing and it did make me a stronger better person and mom. Now hopefully it will help make me a better wife! Every one's sitch is so unique yet we all tend to use the same tools maybe in a diff manner I did not live be the DB rules and broke them for way too long. I tended to follow my heart at times too (hard not to right!). My C said I have amazing perseverance and that I was going about things correctly. But a huge part of my sitch is my H - I just knew that this was not the character of him and if given the space and time he would come to see things for the way they really were. The fantasy bubble burst very quickly and not that I am happy about it - I just did not expect it this quickly....
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Your C is right. You decided what you wanted and dug your heels in. There are so many people on here who are afraid of letting their spouse go for fear that they will be gone forever. You have shown that sometimes you have to let go a bit (not without inwardly panicking, of course!) in order to have the opportunity to begin again.
Well, per your suggestion, I spent two hours last night reading through your threads to get caught up on you... Wow, what a journey you've been on. Thank you for sharing your story and letting me see how the hard work you've done is paying off. I'm so glad to hear that your H seems to have ended it with OW, and I'm glad that you see that you need to take some time apart still to allow him time to grieve his loss and to heal and to rebuild your R.
A couple things I want to share with you about my situation as it relates to yours:
1.) My H also claims to have told the OW that he just needed some space to think - he didn't tell her that he wanted to work things out with me. Then, he ended up going back to her. He left the door open and continues to leave it open with BOTH of us in his confused state... I'm not telling you this to scare you or to dash your hopes whatsoever (I think the position you have put yourself in is GREAT, and you are so much farther along mentally with this thing than me) - So, just a word of caution to BE CAREFUL. Don't move in on this too fast - you've come so far. Don't mess up like I did. Just be cautious, okay?
2.) I messed up big time when H did come back to me - my situation is a bit different that yours in that H wasn't really ready to come home yet - and, more importantly, *I* wasn't ready yet for him to come back in that I still have a lot of growing to do on my own... I sensed that he didn't want to be home yet and panicked and went back to crisis, needy, desperate W mode. That scared him away. He doesn't want to be with that kind of person. Like you, I wanted/NEEDED to talk about what he had said to OW, what plans we could make to start healing our R, etc. He wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with that, and I kept pushing him out of my own desperation and fear. It made him not want to be around me, wonder why he came back I'm sure, etc. I'm sure those experienced DBers out there who have lived through this will give you some wonderful advice on how to start piecing this thing together... I know that it's important to deal with the issues and to communicate, and I'm not sure exactly what I should have done in my situation or if ANYTHING I would have done would have made a difference since I know he wasn't ready yet, but please ask for advice about this communication thing. Your H sounds exactly like mine - wants to run out the door as quickly as possible if you bring up the R and healing... I just don't want you to end up like I did and have to start all over. Be careful, okay? And keep asking for advice from the wise folks here.
3.) We started up the physical thing right away as soon as he came home. So he basically went from her back to me. Now, we had serious sexual issues as far as differing desires, which is the main reason this whole A happened in the first place (as far as I know - haven't been able to really talk about all of our issues yet, but I know that was a big part of it). So, partly because of that, I was AFRAID to take things slowly. I wanted to show him that I wanted to work on our physical relationship, and that's what he told me he WANTED from me when he came home, so I did it. Now, looking back, I don't think that was wise. Go back to Divorce Remedy - there's a section that talks about not moving too fast when they come home. I think it might be in the LRT section when it talks about what reactions they might have... Anyway, review that again for some good advice. So, although my situation may be different than yours regarding the sexual issues, I think you're wise to give him space and be careful with the physical contact. I'm sure others will have some good advice for you on this, but from my perspective, I wish I would have taken that part a lot slower - still been supportive of his needs, but not jumped back in like nothing happened, which is what HE said he wanted/needed us to do, and I complied. It was a mistake...
I'm so proud of you. Thanks again for your advice to me. Your strength is inspiring, and I know with each passing day that I, too, will continue to get stronger and hopefully follow in your footsteps of all of the successes you've had - NO, I *WILL* FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS OF YOUR SUCCESSES. Thanks for the encouragement. I will keep following your story. Way to go!!!
