"...but like I said some college friends are considered "family" in the context of how close they are...."
All I can say to that is that if the OM is the kind of "family" that husband's brother and wife want to keep then they aren't really family that we want to be close to anymore.
It's not like I made this decision. I talked with him about it. Told him that he could still have a relationship w/ his brother. I could just not see, talk to, do things with them. He didn't want that. I felt like that was very supportive of my husband to take that stand on his own. He's not an overly emotional person. He's typically very rational. If this is how he feels then I know he didn't just jump to this conclusion as a knee jerk re-action. I know him well enough to be sure of that.
"At this point I think it wise for you and H to focus on each other and fixing what was broke...you are very fortunate to have a H that is willing to work on forgiveness so easily with you..."
I'm very aware that I don't deserve another shot with my husband. I'm aware that I don't deserve him at all. I expected him to leave me when he found out, and I wouldn't have blamed him at all. It's the oworst thing I've ever done in my life, and it hurt the one person that truely loves me. That kills me to know that about myself. We are focusing on us and fixing things, this is a part of that. We are "cleaning up" if you will. It's just another step that he wants to take. I didn't tell them to not be friends with him. I've said that I fully expect them to stay friends with the OM, but that doesn't mean that we have to "just take it" or be ok with that decision.
"They haven't been privy to seeing the OM in the way you did....and your repeating things to them would be considered biased..."
They are well aware that he is a liar. I've had this discussion with SIL about her caling me to grip about something OM did to them. They just accept his behavior and are ok with him being a liar. They also have told me they know that he cheated on girls in college and they know he's done things before his marriage that his wife still doesn't know about (but they do!). See this is what I mean about how in the world could I fall for someone like this... oh yeah HE'S A HUGE LIAR!
"I don't think you should make family "show loyalty"....unconditional love is what needs to be shown...something that you H is willing to show you...extend that to the family as well..."
You keep saying things like this like it is my decision. It wasn't my decision to make. He's not my brother. She's not my sister. I talked to my husband about the pros/cons of this decision. This is what my husband wants.
I understand it is your H's decision that has brought you to this point...I wasn't suggesting otherwise and sorry if you misunderstood....
It sounds like there are a lot of dinamics here at play that aren't being disclosed....but then it would be hard to put it all out for anyone here to totally understand...it sounds like there might be bigger issues with the SIL/BIL...if they know of the sort OM is and yet seek to remain friends with him maybe there are things about them you don't know???...and don't want to know...
All I was saying is that to make the decision to cut off family over them remaining friends with someone that you are not longer associating with...is a drastic measure...your husband may live to regret that even though what they are doing by remaining friends with this man isn't the wisest move to make...I don't think I could do that with my family...and I know I have dealt with similar situations with my SIL when she cheated on her H...then ended up marrying the guy....long story....but I had to let things go and just remember that she was H's sister...
I hope things work out well for you both...and that it doesn't come to splitting the family apart over this....
I didn't mean to make you feel badly about what is in the past either....it is wonderful that you and your H are working things out...I am in the place of working things our with my H....it isn't easy and your H is a prize for trying with you....but then you have acknowledged that already...
I hope you realize I am not judging you or an anyway trying to be harsh with you...I was just trying to show another side to this that might become an issue down the road...(I gave up my brother for you)....I hope it never comes to that...but having been around a while I see lots of things happen...
So please accept my appologies if you felt insulted in this...it was not my intention...believe me, I feel for your situation....
Well, I'm highly emotional about this whole situation so I appologize too. I understand that this is drastic, but I think it's my husband's way of saying to his brother how seriously he feels about the OM, and how my husband is not going to allow the OM or anybody else (intentional or not) hurt our marriage anymore.
And yeah it's nearly impossible to tell everything that's happend over the past few years that led to the affair, led to my meltdown, and to the wedge that's been between the six of us. We all used to be really good friends, but that hasn't been the case as far as we are concerned for a really long time now. My husband's job for one prevents him from having time to do anything. They are teachers so they have off work all the flippin' time. (ie: spring break this week) Sometimes it seems like it's more convient for them to be friends with OM and his wife than us because of that. I'm just to the point that I agree with my husband. If that's the kind of people they want to associate with after knowing how we feel then we are just going to move on. We can't make a decision for them or tell them what to do, but we can make our own decisions about who has access to us and information about our lives.
Besides I know my SIL and she'll still wind up bringing up the OM even though she said she wouldn't. It's just something that we know is going to be a problem so this is how my husband has decided to fix it.
Well, my husband called last night and finally after several attempts to contact them they answered. His brother never brought it up so my husband had to do it. His brother told him he didn't know what to do. That he's been friends with him for so long, but he didn't want to lose his brother either. He finally wound up saying that he didn't think he would stop being friends with the OM because of this. That was enough for my husband. He sat there stunned in silence for a minute and then said goodbye.
In my conversations with my husband he told me that even if he had decided not to stay with me that he still wouldn't want to have a relationship with his brother if he was going to remain friends with the OM.
His brother lost all of the respect I had for him. He turned his back on his brother. It really hurts, but our relationship with them is over.
