There is another way to look at this postponement matter…. Could it be that MrsHD knows that with a little stronger in-your-face confrontation, HD WILL postpone the matter, and she will have effectively shelved this whole thing once again? Could postponing it be another form of submission to the big dog Mrs HD? The 180 would be to take up the matter in earnest.
Choc,
In the meantime, I gotta tell ya -- I could have written that note, and Mrs. Choc. could have written that reply. It actually made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and I got that "elephant on my chest" feeling again that Lou talks about, that's how much it sounded like my wife.
In the meantime, I gotta tell ya -- I could have written that note, and Mrs. Choc. could have written that reply. It actually made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and I got that "elephant on my chest" feeling again that Lou talks about, that's how much it sounded like my wife.
Choc.
Choc, the difference is this has been MrsHD since the earlier part of their marriage.
It has never been different.
Your wife has never been totally in control of you and your family.
Cobra: Not a postponement. I can't allow that to happen, and still live with myself.
I was not surprised at all at her email. Perhaps the only thing about which I was slightly surprised with was the fact that she did not bring in a lot of tangential issues. Maybe she did that because she knows she's on my "turf" e.g., the written word. Who knows?
Anyway, thanks, everyone, for your insights so far.
HD, I'm not going to give you any advice because you've gotten plenty, and I don't feel like I'm in a position to offer any.
FWIW, here is my take on what Mrs.HD was saying in her reply. I'm looking at this from the POV of an LD woman. I could have been in your wife's shoes. I'm not a 1, but I sure have acted like one, and I believe my mother is a 1. I think I understand how she's feeling. I am not making excuses for her behavior. I am simply trying to interpret it. Then again, I could be full of you-know-what.
I appreciate sharing this with me. As I said to you, approximately one month ago, I do not think I will ever want to make love on a weekly basis, at least not while we are both working full-time and raising a family, and even after that, there are no guarantees.
She is afraid of making promises she can't keep. I've been there. She is afraid of failing. If she avoids the SL altogether she can avoid failure. Failure is just unacceptable to a 1 and she is no doubt her worst critic.
Also based on what you revealed about her conception and her parents I would guess she is terrified of being dependent on you for ANYTHING. She is terrified of being vulnerable. With that much fear of vulnerability she can't allow herself to ML. It's not possible.
At least right now, though, I am too stressed and tired much of the time.
Her plate is full (even though it's of her own making) and she doesn't have enough left to give to you. Even if you are doing all sorts of things around the house to help her, she still probably feels that it's all her responsibility. EVERYTHING is her responsibility because it has to be if she is to be in control. I'm sure she's a perfectionist too. She's stressed and tired because she's expending her precious energy on things like the correct way to hang a towel. Add to that a FT job as a lawyer and a child (more than one?) and I see how it could be crushing. Trying to control everything is truly exhausting.
If I did so simply to satisfy your needs, it wouldn’t be making love, at least not from my perspective.
She would be failing yet again. Better to just avoid it altogether and maybe it will just go away.
For me, making love is an act that we both do willingly. While I might try things to make myself ‘willing’ more often than I would if left to my own devices, putting some sort of schedule or required number of times to make you feel loved isn’t going to work for me.
She is interested in ML!! This is NOT a no! But a schedule is making promises she's afraid she can't keep with the ultimate fear of failure again.
Do you remember talking about this? I get frustrated because it seems to me we keep having this same discussion over and over. You say you ‘get it’, but if so, why do we keep coming back to this? If this is a need you have, so be it, but I can’t satisfy it – I just can’t.
Again, she's terrified of failure.
I do love you, but if you can’t be happy with who I am and what I’m willing to do, that is your choice, and I respect it.
She believes she is giving all she can. It may be all she's capable of at this point. She's not telling you she wants a divorce, she's giving you an "out."
She could be acting out a self-fulfilling prophecy. One of her biggest fears may be that you will leave her. Unconsciously she is setting the stage for you to leave her by making the situation so difficult. When you do actually leave, it won't be a shock to her because she actually set it in motion. Just a theory.
I think you need to do some soul searching, and if you can’t be happy in this relationship, then we both need to move on. I am tired of this
Again, she feels she has no more to give (because she has put the weight of the world on her shoulders).
HD, I'm sorry for you, but I'm sorry for her too. She isn't happy. I'll bet she'd love to let go of some of her control. She's just too afraid to do it.
OK, here's a little advice after all. Seeing her as the enemy won't help. It will just exacerbate the situation IMO. Maybe it's my "feeling" 4 personality talking, but I would try to get her talking. Talk, talk, talk. I would avoid talking about the R, but try to get her to open up. Did I read before that she refuses to see a C? That would make sense because of her personality type. Would she talk about her parents more and her feelings about all that? The more she talks the more insight she might get. I know 1s have trouble seeing the error of their ways, but my mother has made strides with this. I don't think it's impossible, but could be a LOT of work.
Thank you, mrs.cac4. While I don't know exactly what I am going to do next, I have really appreciated everyone's viewpoints.
She doesn't refuse to see a C. We went to a MC together for a year and a half, then went to individuals Cs in the same office following that. Her C retired (or moved), and W didn't want to start up with a new one. I'm still going to my C, weekly, and almost called him today. If the Jayhawks had lost, and if my son had called upset about his audition, I probably would have called him.
I know she's unhappy. As someone said earlier this week, about someone else's spouse: Your wife may be a woman of great integrity, but she is human, and in her own way, she is as starved in the marriage as you are.
Could it be that MrsHD knows that with a little stronger in-your-face confrontation, HD WILL postpone the matter, and she will have effectively shelved this whole thing once again? Could postponing it be another form of submission to the big dog Mrs HD? The 180 would be to take up the matter in earnest.
I think this is correct. That's why I think the NOP tactic (the 180) is appropriate at this point. Not immediately. I agree to let it sit for a while. But letting it sit too long will just look like more of the same.
Choc, I know. I believe most of us have had similar discussions where the same phrases (you're pressuring me, it's always about sex, stressed and tired, etc.)are used, repeatedly.
It's hard to keep in mind that while the arguments and issues are alike, the situations often are not. It's hard not to project our own marriage onto each others when, as you so rightly note, the words ARE eerily similar.
Here are some of the following that make it necessary to have different approaches:
* Infidelity as opposed to fidelity. * A marriage that started well and deteriorated as opposed to marriage that started with major issues. * Dealing with a depressed spouse as opposed to an entitled spouse. * An overall balance of power as opposed to an imbalance. * Children or no children. * A spouse that works with you on issues (other than sex) as opposed to a spouse who insists on their way a majority of the time.
