Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy H sleeping with me and OW.

so i'm going tomorrow morning for a full STD screening. there was a time when i did not know that my H was sleeping with both me and OW and i've honestly just put it off. so gross.

feeling sick and tired of the whole situation today.

Kiki,

Do you have family and friends who can help with your son so you can get out a little and do some things for yourself? Since you cannot predict which way H is going to go it's important you have a life in place so you're prepared either way.

Some things to help you stay focused and not make mistakes would be to list out the positives and negatives in the situation you have right now. By keeping in mind the positives, that may help give you extra patience. For example, the connection to you keeps H connected to your child (the more a connection with OW grows, the less connected men generally are to their own kids... even the best of dads!!! It's a gradual thing, but I've watched it), what's the positive about not being in divorce? Etc....

Think over what brings you both closer and what pushes you further apart and concentrate on the closer?

Unless you are divorced, fully healed, and ready to date you lose nothing in DBing and waiting this whole mess out. That's the reason healing and GALing are so important. Because if things don't work out, you'll be closer to moving forward in your life. You will have already done a lot of the work. Also, if you do get back together with your husband, you will have grown and gained a lot inside yourself.

One more thing.... since you are separated make sure you do really neat, and special things with your son when your H isn't there. On those weekends take him special places, take lots of photos, do special things... this is what your husband misses by not being with his family. You want being with the family to always look like the better choise.

Also, if you do get back together keep doing fun things. You always want home, family and marriage to be the best and most comfortable place to be. That's what life is about.... and if even if H never realizes this... you make it great for YOU and YOUR KID!!!! Make memories, live life!!! And let H waste his time on the fence if that's what he wants to do.

i am trying to move closer to family (which is also where my H lives, 3 hours away) so i can have more support. plus it's really hard to work on my M from several hours away. all of my friends are married with children, so we generally all get together. my financial situation is such that i cannot afford to do much, but i keep busy with my S and friends.

my H and i have very different lifestyles, mine involves home and S, where he is with you ng single people who do whatever they want whenever they want. i don't want to go back to that life - i like having good clean fun with close friends and family, and i like to go to bed at a decent time.

I can fully understand wanting to go to bed at a decent time... I do too!!! GALing doesn't mean you have to go out and join the "single scene." It means finding things you like and doing that regardless of what it is. For some it might mean joining hiking groups, or getting more involved at church, and for others it might be bar scenes.... just try a lot of different things and work on enriching your life. It sounds like you do have a good support network of friends so that will help a lot.

It also sounds to me like your husband might be a little immature, and be wanting to stay in a lifestyle he had prior to the child? Does that sound likely?

If you do get back together you may need to find a middle ground with this. It sounds like a problem that might still be there even if OW were gone.

I'm glad to hear you're checking for STDs because that's very important. Another thing, if sex feels uncomfortable with him, you're fed up with the situation, and you don't want to do it, you don't have to. If your husband wanted this lifestyle prior to meeting OW, he may be on that fence a lot longer than expected.... that's my guess.

I may not have said this before, kiki, but personally I think a reason to continue having sex with him is part of the whole package of showing him how good life (both family and wife) is. It is like other DB tricks to get him closer to you. However, down the road at some point, when you don't want to do it anymore, don't. Even now if it truly makes you feel miserable, don't do it.
I also agree with runningoutoftime about finding a middle ground on GAL. Before I did not drink, went to bed early, homely, etc. H is more outdoor-ish, likes to go out a bit. When I started DB'ing, I tried a few things that h liked to do, like having some wine. Turns out I enjoy it also. I tried partying but decided that's not for me. One thing I really gain in this situation is that I have learnt to be more open to trying out different things, which is good.
good luck, and hang in there. It will be a while (unfortunately), but you will get through it.

Kiki,
I agree w/lonelyolive!! Everyone's sitch is diff.,,I don't know if you've talked to a DB coach, it really helped me, its' worth it, they can help you decide whether something is working or not working, especially when they are not in the thick of things, they see clearly when we tell them whats' been going on as opposed to those of us who are in the "throws" of it(including u & ur sitch)that might be looking thru clowdy goggles!

She said, "patience & consistency" are key and even though i've been sep. for 4yrs that I hadn't been DBing consistently!

Hey,,don't be down, Dec. is when I bought the DB book & started,,we can do it together,,keep each other occupied DBing & GALing while our H's figure out what they're losing if they don't follow our lead!

Kim

thanks ladies for all of your advice. been a rough weekend. not sure if my vagina has closed up shop or not. my H is using me and i'm tired of it.

Hey Kiki,,,at least you're being used!LOL!

All I got was a kiss that "I" had to initiate,,yeesh!

I know, I know be patient w/a smile on my face!!

Kim

holy cow - all of the sudden he wants to work on the marriage!!! has broken it off with OW, i am going over on thursday to be with him so we can talk about the details of S3 and I moving to be with him...

this happened so much sooner than i thought it would.

Tread cautiously....sometimes it can be too soon...I hope for your sake it isn't...but keep DB'ing!