When the Shrink first said what he said to me, I thought he had lost his entire case of marbles.
His point was not on judging whether something was appropriate or not. His point was... "how well do you know yourself? How far are you willing to go? What is acceptable within the context of your marriage? Do you even KNOW? If something DOES get out of hand... what will you do? Have you ever thought about it? If you can't handle something getting out of hand... why are you allowing it?"
His base recommedation: "Know thyself. Who Are You? What Do You Stand For? Where Is Your Line of Integrity?"
My H has admitted to an Ea only because I suspected a PA having been cheated on before. The feelings I have right now are exactly the same as if it had been a PA. An EA is every bit as damaging as a PA because love has been involved. On a rational level I can understand why my H had the desire/need to have this relationship it still hurts exactly the same way a PA does, I can accept that I had withdrawn emotionally from my H and take responsibility for my own actions and behaviour BUT (my H hates when I say BUT) instead of explaining to me how disconnected he was feeling from his family he chose to look elsewher for love while withdrawing affection from me. I have talked to him and have said that although I can understand him becoming involved in a PA although he has said he ended R it is unacceptable to me for him to remain friends with this person other than on a business level I believe he thinks its o.k. to stay friends. An EA is every bit as destructive as a PA maybe even more so as sex doesn't always involve love. I realise this EA is more fantasy than reality which is why I'm not filing for divorce plus my H has ED probs so can understand the need he has for this fantasy. He says the R has ended and I'm sure he has decided there is NO future with OW but once love has been declared he just doesn't seem to understand that friendship is unacceptable at least to me. Plus I'm left wondering if he's staying with me because I'll accept the ED probs as his W of 30 yrs where if he pursued the dream the OW wouldn't be quite so understanding.
I never said that EAs cannot be damaging. They most certainly can, and they can be every bit as hurtful as a PA.
What is damaging about affairs is the dishonesty. It is in the 'covering up,' for the person you thought you knew... is no longer that person. You no longer know where the boundaries are... you are now adrift in a sea of questioning everything.
I'm sure if your H had been honest with you, told you how he was feeling, told you about the woman, invited you to partake in the friendship... you may have felt differently. If you had told him that you were still uncomfortable, and he left his frienship at the office, and he was still honest with you... you may have felt differently.
His line of integrity is what vanished. It was not the woman or the friend appearing in his life. Eh?
Lil 100% accurate. The reasons WHY are more complicated.
O.G. I can see why your C would think posting here is an EA of sorts. In a way he's right because we do open up emotionally to one another. The difference is we are trying to help one another through our own experiences. Not going on dinner dates or holding hands and dreaming of a different life with someone on these boards. We are trying to find ways to improve our M/R and I don't see that as violating trust.
There's an easy way to resolve that problem. Just tell your spouse to start posting on the boards too. S/he might learn something about you and about his/her self so you kill three birds with one stone.
Just tell your spouse to start posting on the boards too. S/he might learn something about you and about his/her self so you kill three birds with one stone.
Most S are not willing to do that though Cobra. Is yours? I agree that it would be a tremendous growth experience for the couple but probably also VERY painful and lots of S like mine that still tend to be avoidant are not willing to open up even more wounds. Not that I blame him. That's who he is and we have plenty on our plate already. Plus some people use the board just to vent and have no intention or desire for the S to see it. Whether that is "ok" or not is debatable I guess.
Most S are not willing to do that though Cobra. Is yours?
I understand. My wife reads the board from time to time. She sees me posting at home and knows my handle. She even prints out pages and in the past has even taken them into counseling, trying to prove some point. I tell here to post, that the people here would love to talk to her. She says she is too busy, t takes her too long to write up comments, blah, blah, blah... deflections.
But one thing she cannot accuse me of is having an EA with this board. It is squarely in her lap, not mine. Which is the reason for my comment. Put the ball in their court.
She even prints out pages and in the past has even taken them into counseling, trying to prove some point.
Lol, I forgot about that.
Quote:
But one thing she cannot accuse me of is having an EA with this board.
No. But we have all done and said some very painful things that are hard for a S to face. Who could blame them. I have made my mistakes obviously but at least it is not hanging over my head in a veil of secrecy anymore. He can now make the choice of how he wants to approach my mistakes, if at all. Sounds like Mrs Cobra is in the same position.
crazy?