Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy H sleeping with me and OW.

Please say that you are using protection. STDs are rampant in the general population and some of them are debilitating, incurable and/or deadly.

Saving your marriage is a worthy goal and one I highly encourage, but is it worth your life?

Using condoms doesn't protect against everything, and they are foolproof, but they do provide some modicum of protection.

MrsNOP -

So when is enough enough? how long do i go on with the ML portion of reconciling? it has been three months, and the whole time he has been having sex with two women. obviously this means that he has little respect for OW and does not see a future with her, but when do i begin to assume the same for myself? do they ever get so overindulged on cake that they never cut it out?

I think if you are OK with the sex part, why not? My H had EA gone PA (I found out then), back to EA. I am still DBing and it is working. Part of it is the sex. For women, a hug and a kiss from h means he is showing affection. I think for men, the sex is part of us showing affection. I think it is up to you. It is just part of DB'ing. I sometimes try to detach and see doing it just for fun. At the lowest point of our M, when D was on my mind, I figured I probably won't have sex with anyone for a while, so I was actually more into it (last supper syndrome).
My h is also sitting on the fence now. He cannot decide. I am seeing him moving back to me so I don't want to push him just yet back to OW. I am letting OW do all that work :-) I am a happy person in front of him. At the same time, ONCE IN A WHILE, I do let him know that this A is still hurting me, and eventually I will give up, though I don't know when this may be. So H knows he cannot go on forever. But remember, that's his choice not to decide. It is your choice to wait or not. You will know when to keep DB'ing, and when to give up.
Not sure if this helps, but this is what I am doing.

Besides the relationship with him, make sure you are also creating a life for yourself. Do you go out? do you do things with girlfriends? When you do make sure look HOT (even if it's just to go to Starbucks and a bookstore!), and keeping a little mystery with what you're doing. I would tell my husband I wasn't going to get involved in any serious relationships until the divorce was final, but I did say I knew a lot of nice guys ("just friends") and might date some after the divorce. That seemed to put him on the edge...

The trick with this is you don't want to make them so jealous so that they run to OW, but you want to make them consider that they could lose you and that.... heck, you are one popular chick!!!!

i have as much of a life as a single mom can have. my H lives 3 hours away, so he only has S3 every other weekend. i do need to find some outlet that will help me create a larger social circle, however. am working on that. it's just hard when you have a small child the majority of the time.

I would also want to encourage you to be 'safe'....there are STD's that cause cervical cancer in women and are very hard to detect...men may not even show symptoms....they have a shot to prevent some but not all...condoms and spermacides are your best protection....not 100%...

When my H came home I did used condoms and spermacides until he finally went to the doctor and got a total STD panel done...I went with him to visit and follow-up so that I KNEW things were safe....the point I told him is IF he did have something he didn't know about and I got it...who would be raising our children???

I feel for you in having to share your H...I am not sure that would have worked for me...I know a couple of times I suggested to H that I wanted some intimacy....but he was still involved with her and not the type to try and keep up with 2 women...it was over a year after she was gone before he was intimate with me....it was still difficult to imagine...I had been his one and only when we married....after almost 28 years with him to know he shared himself with another was devistating for a long time...it still hurts 2.5 years later....

Take care, Lin

kikisum, I am doing the exact thing about getting a life that "runningoutoftime" said. It works. I joined a bowling club. I later told h about how the guy was seemingly interested until I told him that I have kids and how his face dropped. It was funny to see the guy's face. But it showed h that I am still HOT and he did get jealous. For a while, he wanted to know where I go all the time. I am open but I don't give him 100% information.
You can do it even with a little child. If you can find babysitter even for a couple of hours (think of the money spent as counseling). Regardless of the outcome, you want a network of friends. I called up many old lost friends and surprisingly, most of them are happy to strike up a friendship again. Although h is far away, you can always slip in info about "your night out" every so often, on the phone, when he comes over, etc.
GAL is the best thing I did so far. good luck.

Root,

Actually that is part of my GALing! My H told me last August to start dating if it made me happy,,in the past every time he said that I would say, NO all I want is my H!! BUT NOW,,I make myself look Gorgeous when ever I interact w/H or when I had to go to his work to do or get something, maybe 3 times, posting my pic online to meet new friends, any school function for the boys as well!! Weird thing is,,in the last 2mons., I have about 400-500 new & old admirers that tell me i'm beautiful, cute, breathtaking,,of course none of them are my H,,it still gives me a lot of confidence where I can hold my head up high! You see,,I use to have an H that complained about the way I looked, so I changed it,,I have now come to the conclusion,,if others don't see anything wrong w/me & I DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG W/ME then it must be HIM,,sometimes I fall back into the ole rut again but I just go back to all the compliments I've been getting and then feel sorry for H about what hes' losing in ME(someone who is so desperatly trying to change for herself) & possibly someone else is gaining!!!

It works well when you mix it up w/not initiating & going out w/friends-for me it keeps my mind off of H & his lack of ability to react to my DBing!! Good luck & keep him "wondering"!!!

my H seems truly on the fence with what to do about OW. how long do these things last???

Kiki,
You mention in your first post that you have been trying to reconcile since mid-December. What steps have you been taking to do this? How long has your H been involved with the OW? What does he think about reconciliation?

I don't know that you can predict how long these things will last since everyone's sitch is different. But, I think I read that the average is 6 months before they die a natural death.

Welcome to the "fence"; the land of patience and working on you
LO