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I feel like such a hypocrite. Here I am trying to help others and share my thoughts and advice, while I'm struggling!!!

My husband left on a vacation with a few guys (I know at least most are married, not sure about the rest). He's going to the caribbean. I'm freaking about this imagining bikini clad beauties, fun evenings out, nice dinners, drinks, dancing etc....

Nevermind the fact I haven't had a vacation in a long long time (oh yeah, husband did take me snowboarding for a couple of days, but I do dislike cold weather and am a complete dork on the slopes so it's not my idea of a "dream vacation").

Sorry to complain and sound like a spoiled brat here, but I'm envious and feeling very strange about this whole thing. There's this part of me that wonders why am I peicing? After all this $hit why wouldn't I want to be on a nice tropical vacation with some guy who is crazy about me rather than babysitting while my husband gets to go out on my dream vacation and has an amazing time.....

Hypocrite, schmipocrite.

No matter how much we learn, we are all HUMAN! Of course you feel this way. I would too. I have to say, I've been dreaming of a beach, a book, and a lot of quiet time...wanna join me?

Hang in there!

I agree with Aud,,
You are only human and it makes sense you would have these feelings. You just wanted him to include you. You are a wonderful person just b/c once in awhile you have "feelings" it doesnt make who you are or your advice UNworthy.
My H has been in Mexico for over a month and I go thru these feelings too. And you know no offense to those bikini beauties but they just do not measure up to a REAL WOMAN~! Turn your vivid imagination down a smidge and take a deep breath. My imagination is really spectacular too,, my H told me he was going to a concert and I got a little jealous ( young girls would be there)
but I swallowed my pride took a deep breath and said well have a great time ( and I really meant it).
GUESS WHAT???? He called me over 4 times from the concert!!!!

To let me hear the music starting at 12 am and and a few times in between and the last one then at 4:30 am when he got home he called and said I am home honey and I love you bye.... ( and he is real stingy on the ILY's )
Just my 2 cents... hope they help you some.

Well sweetie just take a deep breath and you will be fine,, maybe next time he goes he will take you... you are a wonderful,beautiful person please remember that!

Have a great day...
God bless....

Hey Aud, I'm ready when you are!!!

Alimari, thanks for the sweet words. Your words are always so kind and caring.

I think what's really disturbing me most about all this is here we're piecing. I've done sooooooo much to try to make things work (for sooo long), my husband has changed and he's really done nice things for me and is trying hard on his end... but it just doesn't feel like enough to me. I feel like I want more from a relationship, and after everything that has happened it would be nice if he were considering me and my feelings, like: "Hey, my wife has never gone on a Carribean cruise (or ANY cruise, or Carribean vacation for that matter). It would be really romantic and special to do this with her."

Instead I get, "Well, maybe if it's nice we can do this together in the future." This is my husband's first cruise. I think it would have been kind of nice if we could have done this together. Instead he's doing this with his dad and a bunch of other boozers (even though his dad is married -- to the secretary he had an affair with during the last 7 years of his marriage to my husband's mother -- he's a horrible influence... drinks too much, talks trashy about women, and thinks he can "buy" any of them... really disgusting!). Of course, his dad is paying for my husband to be there so I can't expect him to have given up on a semi-free cruise...

but it still, it would have been nice to have gone on our first cruise together. So much in the marriage was polluted and torn apart. It would be nice to have had something special like this together. At this point I just want to go take a vacation myself... I think when he gets back I'll plan to go see my dad in Florida this spring (without my family!). Does that sound vindictive? I actually have some good reasons for my family not to be around my dad... like my dad isn't the greatest guy and I don't like to have him around the kids because he can be very critical of them.

Life sure gets convoluted and messy!

Hi Root,

Thanks for you post BTW. My W had talked about us getting away on a vacation when the kids are all grown up (it was in JAN). That talk really woke me up, and I felt like she actually cared about our M. Of course, we can't afford to right now, and I wouldn't want to anyway with the mess I made. But it was a nice gesture she made when she said it.

Ugh. I would definitely have the same feelings in your sitch.

I have to admit, I've spent a teensy moment here and there dreaming of H flying me to someplace tropical, putting a nice big 3-diamond ring on my finger and thanking me for being the most wonderful, beautiful, patient, wise, SEXY woman on the planet. Sigh. Reality is, he's never been that guy, most likely never will.

So I probably will go find my beach with a girlfriend. Nothing vindictive about it...the plain old fact is, if he's not going to do it for me, gotta take care of myself! Maybe someday down the road. I'm glad your H at least mentioned future vacation possibilities.

You have no reason to feel like you aren't completely in the right to go visit your family.

Gosh, I've been feeling more and more upset about this all day. And it doesn't help that I'm going through old checks and financial stuff and seeing where he spent money on OW last year and that whole timeline. I don't cry too easily, but seeing that stuff made me incredibly sad.

I know the whole Idea is to DB and reconcile here, and I know doing that for my children is tremendously important to me, but I'm not a good liar and honestly, I don't feel happy or loved or like I want to pretend everything is good when this makes me feel so bad (left out, unimportant, unloved, etc...).

It would be one thing if we had been on some special vacations together, were not piecing and he was spending special time with his father. But with our relationship so flimsy, I'm feeling like a friggen babysitter.

When you're young and dating the last thing on earth you want to do is go with your parents on a vacation. You'd rather be with your girlfriend or boyfriend doing something special. The fact that he'd rather take off time from work and do this special vacation with his dad makes me feel so incredibly unimportant.

Oh well... I'm going out with my girlfriends tonight. Don't worry, I have a pretty high self-esteem so I'm not vulnerable...

Forgive the 2x4, but...did you tell him in advance you'd rather the two of you go do something like this and that you weren't comfortable with the timing of all this right now?

Hi TL,

Unfortunately, my husband and I have a history of poor communication with things like this.

Originally I heard about the trip over the holidays through his sister who just happened to bring it up during a group discussion. My husband never said anything to me about it. I think he has a history of not bringing up plans because he doesn't want to deal with me being upset or moody about it. In the past he used to go out a lot and do things without me and when I'd feel hurt or left-out he'd get angry and tell me I'm controlling, don't trust him, or don't want him to have any fun.

In my marriage I've found it hard to draw the line because I didn't have a father around so I'm not quite sure what's "normal" or "not normal" here. But what I tried to explain was that I don't mind him doing some things with friends and others. For example, I think it's great if he goes to a sports event, golfing, out to lunch and even a guys poker night.... but I don't think it's appropriate for someone in a marriage (especially after two affairs!!!) to go out to dinner with a single guy or guys (friends from work), and then stay out at a bar until 1 a.m. He used to do that a lot when the kids were younger and I really tried to accept that, but by doing it I did bottle up a lot of resentment. Even trusting anyone in a situation like this, it's still something that would lead to temptation.

Another thing.... almost every year he goes on a short fishing trip in South America with his dad and some guys from work. I kind of assumed that this trip was the same thing so that's another reason I didn't ask about it. I really don't mind him going on that South American fishing trip.... but a cruise in the Caribbean.... hummmm

Sadly, I didn't even know it was a cruise until the day he left!!!! About a month before I did learn it was the Carribean because he had to renew his passport and pay a fortune to get it done quickly. I told him I felt envious and wished I could go, but was glad he was doing something special with his father. Of course, the more I learned about the whole thing (the day he left) the worse I felt....

And I've been feeling SUPER upset about this all week. I even bought a cat (a totally bizarre thing for me to do!!! It's part leopard!) to help make me feel less unhappy (Although I do plan to give the cat to my mom. She needs a pet).

I've also spent a lot of money. I guess I'm doing this because I haven't been on a real vacation in many years (6 years) and my husband travels all the time through his work, and also went on a Hawaiian vacation with his mom and sisters during the summer so I must be wanting to be a little selfish(?). I'm typically really frugal, but this whole situation is causing me to do some very uncharacteristic things. I must be much more unhappy than I even realize. Fortunately I'll see the therapist on Friday.

So here's the big problem now. My husband has a "need" to have this type of "freedom" in a marriage and relationship, while I need more security, closeness and to feel important. However, I am committed to staying for my kids. Do I tell my husband this? Do I admit to him my needs are not being met, our needs clash, and even though I do love him deeply this is not the type of relationship I want. At this point I feel like I'm only staying for the kids. When he gets back I'm going to feel very distant. I think I need to be honest. One thing I dread is that he's probably going to accuse me of being controlling. But if something makes you feel so terrible is that controlling? Am I being unreasonable?

Eeeek... went out tonight with my girlfriend (she's the WAW!!!) and was reminded of what I HATE about being single. In many ways it's super depressing. We met a very attractive woman who has been divorced for 10 years (now how come she hasn't found anyone?), told us "Chicks before Dic&$," and then talked about how everyone around here dates each other (they just recycle everyone else's boyfriends and girlfriends), and I thought... how horribly depressing!!!!