He still is so secretive, I think it takes about 2 weeks to get results from a biopsy, I will ask him in about a week how it went. I wonder if I were to start getting involved and asking questions about her problem and then he said something to her about it like... I have been telling my W about it, I'll bet she would be pisse*. Cause that's how she is, she would hate that I think. Maybe then she would tell him to stop telling me and wouldn't it be nice if that would cause some ruckuss between them by him thinking I am concerned and she is being petty... Hmmmmm. What do you think. And they would not be so secretive anymore as someone suggested to me.
And this morning he opened his wallet in front of my and I took that opportunity to ask, "Hey, what happened to our picture"? Of course, he mumbled so low, "I don't know, it got messed up." Boy was I biting my tongue. I felt like saying... yeah you slu* whor* Bitc* messed it up... tell her to keep her paws off my stuff!
Needless to say I replaced it immediately.... HAH! So, I'm sure unfortunately they will go out and maybe he will pull his wallet out in front of her and there it will be!
Sometimes a little revenge does feel good! No matter what anyones says! Keep stong! You are doing great! It is such a hard situation to be in! You are keeping it together so well!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Yes!!!! Be an angel! This cancer is an opportunity for you to get involved in their lives and show what a big heart and what a great person you can be... but focus a lot on how your husband is taking things and hard it must be on him... you need to become the ear for HIS troubles regarding her problems. It will show how generous and caring you can be.
Even if your marriage doesn't work out, practicing this is great for any future relationships. You will become a better person in the long run, regardless of where the future leads. (During my divorce I used to joke that there were times I felt like Mother Thesera!!! The funny thing is that being a "good person" made me feel a thousand times better about myself. It really made me like me!)
Also, if this woman is ill and doesn't look so well (and becomes jealous of you... very typical when spouses are torn!!!), you start looking HOT all the time. Get great, sexy clothes, start running, red thong underware and push up bras... take the attitude that no creepy OW is going to outdo you!
P.s. I like how you handled the photo thing. "Oh sweetheart, how sad that got destroyed. Let me replace it for you." Perfect!!!!
" I feel like calling her up and saying BACK OFF Bit**, but H would probably walk right out my door , so I can't."
Wrong. Of course you can do that. You can also tell H you will not tolerate contact. You simply don't want the consequences. So, it is YOUR CHOICE right now to tolerate the contact. You are not a victim here. You are making the choice to tolerate contact for your own reasons. So, accept it. Or don't and accept the consequences.
But, again, you are all about how you can control H's or OW's behavior. THAT you cannot do, so quit trying.
Get back to identifying your own boundaries. Evidently, you are willing to tolerate contact. What kind? How much? How long? In what context? What will you do if your boundaries are violated?
The point here is to get out victim mode and to instead own your own choices and accpeting the risks and costs that come with making those choices.
Oh, she does not look ill at all. She is 15 years younger than me, but, she looks very healthy actually, although, she cannot hold a candle to me! i think I am pretty outside and most definitely inside I have got her blown away! Not to brag, really I am not conceided, but this, i do feel.
I just wish my husband did not have such a warped sensed of a genuinely good hearted person and a coniver and a user. He is so blind.
Her other cancer is gone, and they do not know if this lump is or not, but she is milking it all the way with him.
I know I cannot control other people and to be honest with you, I am still working on controling myself. I wish I was a self confident person so I could deal with this better.
Someone at work just found he was cheated on by his second wife of 7 years and he picked up packed up and moved out and on and he says he is glad he done done done. Why can't I be that strong. I really am tired of being the one doing and trying and wooing and treating him like a king.
I am almost to the point right now myself about needing some attention from a man, to be told I'm pretty and treat me good and hold me and make me feel special and WANT to spend time with me, not because they feel they have to because they have spent so much time with their Slu** bitc* and they are feeling guilty. I meet people when I am out and have been turning guys down, but last couple of days i have been so close to accepting and have been "looking" at other guys and think I just might try it myself. So close. I am tired of feeling like and "OLD SHOE" tossed aside, not good enough and what makes me feel so terrible is I am giving and have been for so long giving everything of myself and always trying so hard.
Venting again. Thanks for all you support. I do feel like a somebody here.
p.s. She called him twice already today. Aggghhh. But he called me on his break, that was unusual, and nice. Tire of her! Tire of her! Whine girl! Whine!
All your posts refer to if you said this or that to your H he would walk out
Well, quite frankly, in my books that is how it would go down because there is no way I would be putting up with the crap you are. Can't you see he is threatening you, blackmailing you - call it whatever you want. He has you exactly where he wants you - on the side, just waiting for when he's good and ready to decide what he wants to do with you
Sorry, but I would have to say the buck stops here - you choose!! end of story !!
You cannot heal a M when you are in the middle - and you are.
You and/or your H cannot heal the OW either - she needs to find other support - there's lots of it out there. sorry to sound so blunt but if she really needs support while she is going through this and doesn't have any family to give it to her, she can contact the hospital and they will put her in touch with lots of survivors that do that all the time (support groups)
the fact that she is using that as an excuse to keep him where she wants him is low, to say the least and to think that your H is so stupid to fall for it. Either he's lost his marbles or has no intention of every leaving her and is using this as he way to have his cake, icing and the pretty colourful sprinkles too
Get real and tell this bum where the front door is
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I am almost to the point right now myself about needing some attention from a man
Just be careful with that. There are men looking for vulnerable women. It's okay to look, flirt and talk, but try to hold off on anything serious for awhile.
But going out with girlfriends and meeting guys, that can be part of GALing!!! It's good to know what's out there, but try to hold off on any involvement (Heck, you aren't even in divorce at this point!!!). You're truly much too vulnerable right now. Rather then potential pain, you need to work on strength and healing.
But do go out and have fun!!! Go out dancing with some girlfriends Saturday night!!!!
How are you doing today? I hope you are doing better. I posted an answer to your ? in my thread. Please take care of you honey. I will be gone most of the day with my kids. I am taking them swimming at the local YMCA. I will check on your thread later. Please be good to yourself and take it easy today. Your H is asking alot of you and I give you alot of credit for your strength. I do think that when you are ready you need to set some boundaries. And I do think that DBing or not your H is asking the world of you. You will never heal while he is still a BIG part of her life. My personal opinion. MY H OW is my SIL's best friend.
....and I feel like I have done ok. For the most part.
but she will be a part of his life b/c of that.
but at the same time that does not mean he still had to BE a part of her life. ... do you see what I mean?
Sure you are supposed to be compassionate and turn the other cheeck. But your H is asking if he can run you over and then drive off. NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you are ok with it and can rise above it and deal with their contact fantastic but if you are not then you need to find a place where you feel safe and in control of you.
For you cannot control him or her ever !!!!
......you can only control CISSY and the way she will act and behave. All my best to to you honey you are in a difficult situation. Foolow your heart but do not let it be used , love from afar and do not let him own who you are you own who you are and he will be there whole heearttdly or not and you need to take care of you. Yes we are supposed to lovingly detach. I personally waited for my Miracle. But I gave myself permission to love me and set boundaries. Being humble does not mean putting up with absoulutely everything.Just make sure you are ok thats all. XOXOXO you surely need more than that but thats a start.~ God bless you Cissy.....
For the most part.