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Wow Heartbroken, I only see courage from what I'm reading in your posts! Yes, your H needs to sort out his own issues. You're are 100% right in telling him he needs to figure out what to do about OW, he needs to "grow up".

Keep it up!

Thanks! You guys and your wonderful support is what keeps me coming back here for more!! I much prefer days like this to the drama of the last few weeks. But I am sure, no I know, the roller coaster ride if FAR FROM OVER!!!!!

Just talked to H about this week's schedule and he asked how the kids are doing and I told what they said last night. Basically they do not like to show him their true feelings because they do not want to see him cry (it's okay to see Mom cry cuz that's what Mom's do...) H says he knows that they are not 'just fine' with all of this and he will try to talk to them again...

We had a good convo, laughed and I ended it first but overall it still made me down. I hate that our lives have become this - it is all comsuming and it's all I think about. Sometimes I wish for that time machine - just take me to the end of all of this no matter which way it goes down.... Okay I need some PMA right now - I need to get out of this funk...

I know.. it IS all-consuming. I hate it, too. It would be nice just to get on with our lives, wouldn't it? I know that's what motivates me sometimes when I get CRAZY and tell H to leave. I just want SOMETHING to start the ball rolling in whatever direction it's going to go!!!!

I think the crux of the whole matter is that they hold all the cards and they do not want to make a decision. My H is a people pleaser and he does not want to hurt me or her so he is paralyzed in making a decision. H is in a world of hurt and I just wish he would go and talk to a professional. He always has been one that NEVER asks for help - but I think he cannot fix this on his own... H is stubborn and it may take him some time to admit he needs outside help (if he ever admits it at all)....

heartbroken,

Your husband is a people pleaser, therefore really couldnt get his needs met in your marriage. Perhaps the reason you are going throgh this is so that BOTH OF YOU come out of this together as better people more in love than ever before. You don't want your old husband back. You don't want to be your old-self anymore. You don't want to set the clock back to the same old same old.

In addition, you don't want to move the clock forward without the changes taking hold in you and him that this crisis is bringing out. Gold must be refined in FIRE.

Yeah...well that's, at least, what I tell myself. ;-)

The thing about people-pleasers in affairs is that they won't get out until the pain is too great for them to bear anymore. He's feeling it big-time already. The OW is pouring on the misery by the boat-load. Let her be the drama queen.

You are going to win.

--Theoden

Theo,

Thanks - you bring tears to my eyes and they are happy tears!

I have so many friends saying he will come around.

I just have to watch my level of hope because I swore I would not let him hurt me like he did when he brought Ow into our home and then lied to my face about it. I have guarded my heart (somewhat) now and I am taking it day by day and you are right he- NO - WE need to go through this to get to the end. I said that in Jan. when he came to me with the truth that there was OP. I said if he had been truthful in August - I would not want him with her and he would have choosen her at that point w/o a doubt. So we had to go through those painful months to get this far. I know this is no where from being over and I continue to prep myself for the long haul.

I am already getting closer to the kids. D12 has always been independent (since BIRTH) and now she sees my pain and hugs me way more than ever before. S9 has always been my hugger and he is worried about me too. They are not sure how to feel with Dad - they walk on eggshells around him right now.

It's day by day for us at this point...

Thanks for the kinds words - YOU help keep my spirit alive!
HB

Keep at it...

Keep at it...

People turn around.

Consider yourself hugged.

--Theoden

Heartbroken,

I am so sorry that you had to go through that! Just think about your kids and how much they love you and need you. You need to be there for them just like they are there for you. Together you will all get through this!

Thanks sol! And right back at you! I have read your sitch too and I know this is just as hard on you too. Sometimes I like to think if I continue to take the high road I WILL FIND MYSELF IN A MUCH BETTER PLACE (with or without the H). I am a good person and I know how to be a friend because I have a great support group of friends! I did not deserve this from the H but I know he never meant for it to get soooooo out of hand. Hindsight is always 20/20...