I have to say that my delayed reaction to your comment "I guess I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself over everything I have been through" AFTER your H sat with you in the candlelight while you bathed and then ML... well, it really reminded me of Mr. Mojo, kwim?
It kind of sounded like this from the enneagram page:
"Level 5: To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings. "
Here are the higher levels:
"Level 1 (At Their Best): Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.
"Level 2: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate.
"Level 3: Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong."
This is relevant, too:
"Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a 'rescuer.'"
In order to attract a rescuer, you have to cast yourself as something of a victim. IOW I think sometimes the 4 is afraid to be happy because then s/he won't need a rescuer. Mr. Mojo comes to mind again.
Lil, Thanks for the reminder not to get stuck in the abyss of "yuck" emotions. In moving forward with my H, I am having to revisit a lot of traumatic stuff...the whole healing the past inthe present that Schnarch addresses. I won't lose sight of the fact that my H is putting more effort in with each go-around. I am actually quite optimistic about the new "deal" we've arranged!
We 4's have to resist the 'not enough' disease... we can always find the dark cloud wrapped around every silver lining-- but we can resist! Hugs to you.
Lil, I should have realized I am a 4 when I showed my mother ( who, at 89, is still sharp as a tack) the enneagram descriptions awhile back, and she immediately recognized me as a 4. It's strange, though, because I am not artistic, my life's work has been scientific in nature and I like being organized. I have a fondness for nature and and an eye for color, though.
I have always known I have to be careful not to sink into the abyss. Even the happiest events of my life are infused with sadness. I remember at my wedding feeling sad about my grandmother. And when I graduated from college, I made my roommate ( who was a definite 7) drive around through all the familiar streets and reminisce with me since I knew I wasn't coming back. When my son was born I thought, " It's all downhill from here." I am strangely comfortable in sad situations, and I sometimes find happy states as not authentic. Yet with it all, I tend to walk around effusively, usually with a smile on my face. I'm a closet depressive, and my H has borne the brunt of that.
Anyway, I am keeping the faith that I will move ahead with H and get to a better place, but not without venting some of the lower emotions along the way.
It's strange, though, because I am not artistic, my life's work has been scientific in nature and I like being organized. I have a fondness for nature and and an eye for color, though.
I really, really think that you should take up an artistic pursuit. March over to your local adult education center and sign up for a class or over to your local Hobby store and pick up some supplies and books. Watercolor comes to mind as a good idea based on what you said above.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I definitely agree with Mojo... is there some reason why you haven't pursued anything "artistic" in the past? By artistic, I mean writing, poetry, painting, sewing creatively, music? Were you EVER drawn to any of these things? It could very well be that at this time in your life some kind of creative expression that is uniquely yours would be very emotionally nourishing. Do you keep a journal?
In college I was drawn to physics, but because of the beauty of it... the romance of it. I think you know what I mean. The glorious symmetry, mystery, magic of how the universe and the natural world work together.
Remember that the 4 and the 5 are at the bottom of the enneagram "star" close to the abyss represented by that place where the star does not connect. So both of them are always a hair's-breadth away from that place of sadness. (Are you listening to this mrs cac, since you're in a 4/5 pairing?)
Fours are also very into nostalgia. This: "drive around through all the familiar streets and reminisce with me since I knew I wasn't coming back" is so 4 I could die! I do this all the time. I love to look back and say "I was there then," "It's been this many years since whatever." I love to look back through time, and also wonder, "where will I be x months/years from now." I'm a military brat and I've gone on google earth and looked up every place I used to live (that I could remember the address of) and traced my path to school, my friends' houses, etc.
Yes, nostalgia is huge for me. I remember scents, places, house numbers, phone numbers, birthdays, etc. Have you ever seen the movie Crimes and Misdemeanors, where the main character knocks on the door of his childhood home? As reserved as I am, I have done that ( and fortunately was welcomed by a non-axe wielding family).
The sciences do have beauty. My daughter's math work is a thing of art. My favorite suject was microbiology...I loved not just the cells, but all the stains as well. One of my most treasured gifts from my parents is a microscope...how nuts is that?
I really haven't pursued anything artistic. I never thought I was a good writer, but once when the kids were small we went on this relgious/nature retreat and had to write about " Where is God." People were moved by what I wrote and I was surprised.
Now is the perfect opportunity to do something for fun...maybe I will allow myself to do such a thing...give myself permission, so to speak, before I end up creating another prison of my making. I'm handing myself a Get Out Of Jail Card too. The new-found cooking interest has been a growth experience as well.
One of my most treasured gifts from my parents is a microscope...how nuts is that?
It's not nuts at all... you know I won't let you get away with a put-down statement like that! The young, wide-eyed, curious Journey inside of you overhears you saying she's nuts for loving her microscope-- and she is too young to know that you're "joking."
I did see Crimes and Misdemeanors, but I don't remember that part. I love flashbacks where we find out how things got to be the way they are.
I bought a children's book called "My Place" for myself and I absolutely love it. I think you would really like it.
Here's the description: "My Place is a wonderfully intimate history of Australia starting in 1988 and going back 200 years to 1788. Young readers learn its history by being told the story of one particular place by the generations of Australian children who have lived there. It is rich in detail, with maps that the successive generations of children have drawn."
The idea is that you start with today. There's a kid who describes her house, her friends, her life. Then you go back 100 years and meet the kid (again in the first person) who occupied that house then. Each chapter you go back another 100 years and meet the child who lived there, before there was a house, back farther and father, until you meet an aboriginal child who occupied that space with his family. The main continuity is a big tree. Each chapter has drawings, maps-- it is absolutely mesmerizing! I've read it from present to past and from past to present. It just does something to me to see those layers of history as they open to each other.
Re scent: my bf has put a lime tree in a pot on my patio. It is blooming and when I smelled the blooms I was instantly transported to West Palm Beach, Florida, where we lived for about six months when I was ~ age 4. I know there were lemon and lime trees all around us, because my late husband and I went back there in 1993 to see where I lived. By a very odd coincidence my little next door neighbor from back then, as an adult, had moved to the city where I now live (I had moved over 40 times since Florida) and he was friends with a girlfriend of mine. I connected with this guy and he gave me and my late H the directions to the house where I used to live in FL. His family had stayed there and he had in fact grown up next door. .
Update: Yesterday was a non scheduled sex nite. We were watching tv til fairly late, and then H says he really wants to have sex. I remind him of the schedule and he is persistent. I really didn't know what to do so I went along with it. I know that his ador is a direct result of nonconforming to our plans. The person on this forum who said our sexual styles reflect our general personalities was right on; I am a planner/organizer and my H is spontaneous and impulsive.
So I ask him, what happened to the plan? He laughs and says he can't help it. I tell him I'd like a night where I can prepare, take a bath, get my mind activated...and then we start arguing on the night. So we are back to the control wars and game playing...there is a subtle difference in that he is more light hearted and affectionate. With this go-around, there is less tension in the air, so maybe there will be more of a give and take.
