Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Piecing - hopeful but scared

Oh I should also mention at one point I said "I hope you know I love you more than anything or I wouldn't have tried so hard" and he said yes, i know and he then said "and I love the hell out of you, too". I wonder if this was a well she said it, so then I will, too kind of thing. I think this is good. I am so confused and upset. But at least he is with me.

Cissy

Wow Cissy! First off you handled that amazingly! Way better then I could have!
I don't really have any words of advice here, because I am not to sure how I would handle it!
You are really strong! and the only thing I could say is you handle this the way that works for you and no one else!

WOW,, what a nite you had I am so sorry. I answered your post on my thread. Hang in there. I hope you get some input on what happened last nite. I dunno if it was ok to allow him to talk to her b/c she is ill, but you allowing him to do that is very big on your part and I admire you for that.
You will be in my prayers...
God bless..

He even at one point threatened me to go back to her if he could not keep in contact with her in the middle of the conversation.
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Oh man, is my blood boiling. He needs to choose, this is ridiculous!!!! I don't know what whatisis or muddle over at infidelity would do, but if this was my H he'd get the boot (both DBers deal w/something similar, I'd go over and ask them a few questions)

They are tight??? you should do stuff for her?? it seems to me they are both using you as a doormat. You should NEVER have to put up a facade and tell him it is OK when it clearly IS NOT.
This man isnt' respecting you, and is being manipulated by ow and jerking you around to accomodate them both. You are worth more than that.
Do yourself a favor, set up a C appointment and go with him, this way you'll see how ridiculous his demands are. IF he doesn't want to go go alone, you need a third person to listen to the nonsence he's fed you.

Enough is enough, you took him back, offered your forgiveness and now he's tellin gyou he won't cut it w/her. There are people here in DB who put up w/that kind of crap, being married still, living /the S and the S still being great chums w/the OP.
Dont' know how they do it but ask yourself if this is the kind of life you want to have from now on, having the ow in between you two.

Just read your first posts, it seems he isn't ready at all to commit to you and grow up.

Sorry, but I have to agree with Cat - there is no friggin way I would be putting up with that crap!! Plain and simple

My H tried the same garbage with me - oh poor her, I feel like I am abandoning her, she needs me blah blah blah - give me a break!! So I said, "well I guess you have to make a choice then"

His response? "what do you mean I have to make a choice, if you are going to pressure me like this it isn't going to work".

I said "I am not pressuring you, you put yourself in this position and I am telling you that I can't live in a 3-some, you have to make the choice, her or me"

Of course, that is the readers digest version, it was much more lengthy and heated but we went back and forth and I stood my ground.

The result.... he is still here and has cut off ALL contact with her. Is he over her? Hell no! Does he still have feelings for her and feel guilty for "abandoning" her - sure he does. But the bottom line is he had to make a choice and decide what was more important in his life - I guess our R was. Don't give him the easy way out - you deserve more than the crumbs left over

Is this easy - no, do I wish he had chosen her sometimes - yes because I think sometimes it would be easier to move on without him that still be putting up with all this emotion. But bottom line is I am in for the fight and will give it my all until I know there is no other way than to leave and I don't see that coming any time soon

Ooooh... I don't blame you for being angry. Heck, if my husband told me to get some gloves for OW I'd probably write "$lut" in black sharpie all over them. It would be really hard for me to hold back -- and then, like usual, I'd regret doing it later. You did amazingly well.

If your husband feels she's so needy for help, how about YOU and husband together helping out. Tell him you feel badly and would like to help too and you just go with him every single time he's helping her. Ask questions when he's talking to her on the phone. Affairs thrive in secrecy. By being an active part of the equation you're eliminating the secrecy. Eventually she'll find some other guy who doesn't always have his wife around.

Is it really OK with you if he talks to her? If so, then what is the problem? If not, then why did you tell him it was?

It is time to quit trying to control H's actions and control your own. What is your boundary here? Are you willing to piece while he is in contact with OW or not?

It sounds to me as though you had already set a boundary here. I'm not sure why you did not enforce it, but you need to make a clear decision in your own mind about what your actions will be if he is in contact with OW.

It is very unhealthy for both of them to continue in the R in any way. It is hugely unhealthy for sick OW to rely on him for support. The current situation isn't good for anyone. Why do you want to be part of creating and sustaining it?

One solution is suggested by ROOT. Either OW if a friend to both of you and a friend to your M, or she has no place in either of your lives. Given the history, if she is to be a friend to both of you, ALL communication needs to be entirely transparent.

But, personally, I see little point tolerating a continued R with OW.

On the other hand, no one makes it through piecing without the WAS repeatedly relapsing in terms of contact with OP. So, you need to ve very sure about how much you will tolerate and how much you will not.

No, it is NOT ok with me. We had the almost the same exact converstation almost to the day 2 years ago in March. That is how it all started, so I feel like I have gone full circle back around to where I started and I am thinking the outcome is going to be the same. Unless maybe I handle things differently this time. (maybe just maybe - so frustrating - here we go again).


I tried to say no contact at all at one point and he threatened me to go right back and live with her explaining to me they have found a huge lump in her breast and they and she are not opptomistic - yea her working it all she can on him probably telling him she is going to die. She has been fighting ovarian cancer years before he got involved with her.

He called her today, (I am watching the calls) supposedly she was getting a biopsy today, then she called him and they talked for 17 min and she called him again an hour later and talked for another 13 minutes. I HATE it. My blood just boils. I feel like calling her up and saying BACK OFF Bit**, but H would probably walk right out my door , so I can't. (although that is the one thing i never did was get in her face alot, then maybe she would back off, but she would whine to him and I am pretty sure he would leave me and run straight to her because he feels sorry for her on top of the affair itself. aGGGHHHHHHH!

I fee like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place also because in the DBusting Remedy book isn't this exact situation covered and I am supposed to let him ease out of it? I'm pretty sure that's what it said. I'm trying everything the book says to do (within reason).

Maybe I should ask him tomorrow something like "So, how did her biopsy go and where are the gloves you wanted me to interoffice to her? (That way I can see if he has seen her or not too and he would know I was watching). But this is not a DBusting technique. Actually I think it would be doing the opposite.

And 2 years ago i did get involved to help her when he said at the beginning they were just friends and he was helping her and they both made fools out of me. I Hate her now because she pretended to be so sweet and innocent and was backstabbing me all along, too. I do not want to go through that again because it totally backfired on me. I think this time I would rather him know I am not ok with it.

But back to the Divorce Remedy book, isn't how I am trying to handle it what they say to do in the book, even if he is still cheating, I am supposed to respect his feelings and be his friend and be there for him? When some of you are telling me no way tell him this and give him altamtums isn't that going against the techniques in the book?

Now I am confused. hELP?

Take advice from someone not piecing?

I may not belong in this section but I have this little thing about boundaries.

If my W came home........and that's a big if at this point, anyway if she came back and said somthing like this I don't think she would like my answer much.

I would simply tell her she was free to go back, and if or when the OP passed away to never even consider coming around again. The way I look at it is that I have been through enough and I will not tolerate a second split.

When I say "help" her, I don't mean help as an individual, I mean help as your husband's partner. I visualize it as you standing next to him, hand on his arm or his shoulder, and being "one" with him in helping her (or anyone else for that matter). Be SUPER involved. Listen-in and be part of ALL those conversations. And try not to be too "catty." (This is something I always have trouble with when it comes to moral bankruptcy... it's hard for me to hold those cut-downs in!!!).

An interesting book that I read about a year before the divorce (and I think it did help keep some ties together in my marriage) was "Uncoupling." It's a fascinating step-by-step look at how relationships end. Kind of depressing, but I looked at it as what not to do. So each thing it described I would try to do the opposite. I think this book is useful during the piecing stage.

As far as ultimatums, I'd be careful with that. Don't give an ultimatum you aren't going to follow through with. I would really try to stick to the DB techniques and GAL!!!! Read, reread, and keep reading....