"The two of us have had such difficult communication problems thoughtout our entire R (look where it's gotten us); each of us veiling our true feelings to the other, that anymore I just try to find a way to say what I have to say clearly and directly. Without any expectations; without trying to lay guilt; without trying to push for what "I" want. And it's really not very easy for me"
It is very interesting that you felt like a bad girl for doing just that in the conversation you described that I said wasn't DB.
Given your history with your father, perhaps you were always trying to manage him by figuring out how he wanted you to feel and feeling that way and manipulating him in various ways because of some pretty heavy enmeshment. Sound plausible?
If so, try to focus on working on that. Tell yourself this outloud, repeatedly, and sincerely: "I am a good girl. My feelings are legitimate and deserve respect. I am a good girl if I recognize my own feelings and share them honestly and directly."
Yes, you have to say it outloud sincerely. No sarcasm allowed. If it makes you cry, then you are onto something...
As for moving out or not, there is nothing wrong with tabling that question for a period of time. It certainly seems from this side that you need some time to process some things before you are ready to make a choice. Just decide that you will bring up the question to yourself again in a month or two, at which time you can table it or address it.
And yes, quit worrying about how your every move will affect SO. I bet you did this with your father...
OOPS, that didn't make sense. I meant: "It is very interesting that you felt like a bad girl for doing just that in the conversation you described that YOU said wasn't DB but I said was DB because you opened up and communicated directly."
Sweet NM, you are putting up with so much stuff. SO much. I cannot imagine all this flying around in your universe. May God bless you and give you His sweet peace in this crap you are navigating.
I love this that you said:
Quote:
My own personal fear is being viewed as weak; letting someone know they've hurt me. So I will allow myself to be seen as angry when actually deeply hurt; viewed as a b!tch when it's really shyness; being funny when inside I'm sad.
I will go to great lengths to hide my inner feelings when I think it's going to show weakness on my part. It's taken me a long time to be able to understand that about myself.
This would be me. I want to quote you on my blog, I love it. And kudos to you, dear lady, for recognizing it.
If it were me, for my own self-preservation and a healthier environment for my children, I would be out of there, sistah. Off like a prom dress. BUT. That is my limited viewpoint from this tiny window I have to see you through.
You need to have a fresh place to BREATHE, emotionally, and that is NOT happening for you. I worry about you and how long you can stand up under the weight of this garbage. But, again, it's JMO from what I've read here. You are a wonderful woman, and I want so much for you (and still to clock your SO with a frying pan, as I mentioned many months ago. Offer still stands)
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Saw the pix of your wreck - thank God you and your children came out OK. It's scary how things can change in the blink of an eye.
Any time you want to pack up that fryin' pan (I'm hoping it's cast iron) and take a road trip, let me know! My door's open if you need a get away!!
As for the garbage I'm living with. You're right. It's hard. If you take each individual "problem", that is, break them down and think about how one would deal with them one at a time, I think:
Would I leave him becuase he's got a health condition that's resulted in a prescription painkiller addiction? Would I leave because he's apparently suffering from some kind of personality disorder? Would I leave because of OW?
Each of those things in and of themselves ARE very difficult for any couple to overcome. And, we've been slammed with all of them at the same time. That's not even factoring in the financial problems, work issues, and kids to raise.
So, do I bail? I do admit to thinking about it more often these days. The thought of putting 2 hours between him & I and not having to deal with this crap on a daily basis IS very inviting. More and more as every day passes and nothing obvious changes.
When I think about the fact that I KNOW on a personal level I can be happy without him, I do admit to feeling guilty. And, please, everyone, don't slam me for that. It's not what's holding me here. I don't blame myself for anything more than what I am guilty of - sucking at interpersonal relationships! LOL Due to whatever reasons, I didn't live up to my half of the R when we were together. And granted, SO chose the path to OW.... as did all the spouses / SO's here on this forum - that's how we all got here. That's how WAS chose to answer the problems they were experiencing. Doesn't make it right; doesn't make it wrong. But it is what happened.
So, here I am. Perhaps what I'm doing is only making matters worse. But the optimist in me says, "well, you must be something that's at least a little right because he STILL cannot make up his mind." After all this time, there's something that I'm doing that makes him pause in furthering his R with OW.
But, WTH knows. Again, back to my indecision. Is staying better? Or leaving? And, you're right - how much more am I able to take? I don't know that answer. Not yet anyway.
OT,
Thanks for the clarification. What I meant about the "anti-DB" remark was that I was under the impression that as the LBS, that until such time that the WAS re-commits or shows an interest in repairing the R (and we all know in my case that SO has NOT recommitted to our R), that the LBS should "put aside" their wants/needs from the R. Perhaps because I haven't read the book in so long, I am not remembering correctly. I know one can't keep putting their thoughts/feelings aside forever, that's obviously not healthy for the LBS, but I thought that it was to be "postponed" until there's mutual committment. So, I guess I felt like I was not following DB structure.
As for my father and our relationship as parent/child, once I moved out on my own, I told my father that if he wanted to be alcoholic that was his choice. But he was to respect my wishes and that I would not see him or allow him in my home when he was drunk. If he wanted to have anything to do with me, it was to be when he was sober. As a result, I would not attend his 50th birthday party where there was going to be alcohol, as a matter of fact hadn't seen him personally in over one year, and then he died 2 weeks after his birthday. That will be 10 years ago in July. Honestly, there's times when I think about my childhood and cry. How could he have done this to his kids? Blame him, and yes - hate him. And yes, sometimes I feel guilt for not having seen him for so long before he died.
But, here's the very interesting part - especially when you look at my current situation - I always held it against my mother for not leaving him and subjecting us kids to that violent, abusive lifestyle. And now, as a mother myself, I constantly think about that. granted, my situation does not include physical abuse, but how is this affecting my children? I worry about it constantly. And I also worry about how it's going to be as a single mom. Is sticking my kids with sitters/day care for 10 hours a day, mom stressed out & tired from work; struggling to make ends meet - is that a better life for us? Am I scared to be out on my own? You're damned right I am. FOR THE FINANCIAL REASONS. I know all too well SO's poor money managing skills. And, yes, I know I will be able to get child support. And right now, I have now doubt that I could ask a judge for pretty much anything and be awarded - and yes, I have copies of every single tax form; restraining order, emails, anything that can be used on my behalf should it come to a court battle. I have to laugh - OW did a lot of hard work for me. Her charges against SO, his stay in the psych ward - very damaging to SO should it come to that.
But child support won't cover all my expenses. I have worked the scenario over & over - trying to figure out if I'd be able to make it on my own. And it doesn't look promising. So, am I staying right now out of fear? Perhaps. Good god, I'm sure I'm opening up a whole can of psychological worms by admitting this stuff. But I think that what's really holding me back from making a stay/go decision is the fact that he's attending counseling. FINALLY. And it's a MAJOR step for him. And while I know it's no guarantee for the future of our R, I am hoping it it helps him figure out what he wants in his life. Whether it's me, OW, or someone else. And that's what makes me think I should stick it out a little longer.
SO had court last night, re: OW's charges. Because he had no legal representation with him, the judge ordered a continuance, or rather, that's what SO has told me. He needs to get a lawyer and go back. Shrug. At this point, I can't figure out whether being charged or not being charged is better overall.
When he gets home, I'd been watching an old rerun of CSI: Miami, a show we both like. We have a DVR which allows you to rewind, so when he got home he said "I was hoping you hadn't started watching this yet." I was actually about 1/2 hour into but said I'd start it from the beginning. I really wanted him to see ALL of this episode. LMAO...here's why....
In the show, they found some drugs, tested them, turned out to be "Hillbilly Heroin". That term in itself made me crack up. How ironic, I thought to myself. Blah, blah - this guy had an accident and was taking it for pain. All the while denying he has an addiction and vehemently saying "I'm not a drug addict." Turns out it was Oxycodone.
While SO is listening to this, I'm carefully studying him (I'd already seen this part and knew what they were going to say.) I see his eyes raise up. At the commercial, "he says Oxycodone? I think that's strong stuff, don't think I have that." I said, "I don't know what it is." (I am truly naive when it comes to drugs of any kind.) We both head to the kitchen for a snack. I pause at the shelf where his pill bottles are....I said - "Oxycodone? Is that what they said? Look - you have 2 bottles up here. Generic for percoset." He just looked at me. Then I looked at the other bottle - "Hydrocodone, generic for Vicodin."
Hillbilly heroin. How accurate. I think SO caught the parallels to his own life.
Well, I've made the decision to NOT make a decision.
I strongly believe that if I make the unilateral decision to put an end to our R, that it will prolong SO's problems. Maybe that's not the best reason for me to decide this, but it is what I inherently feel.
In addition, D8 is in the middle of a school year. I'd rather not move (a) during winter and (b) during her school year. My decision can be revisited in May/June, when it's closer to the end of the year. Besides, there's little to no rentals available right now in the area I need to go.
Until then, I will:
A. Deal with his BPD (or whatever personality disorder it is) issue by 1. Continue reading BPD info 2. Continue to find out how to communicate with him 3. Encourage him to continue therapy 4. Learn the correct ways to set my own personal boundaries and the consequences to him by not respecting those boundaries
B. Deal with R / OW issue 1. Re-read DB then determine what goals can be made, while simultaneously taking into account the BPD problems 2. Go back to "subtle pursuit"
I have to do a lot more reading and further deep soul searching to determine what "I" ultimately hope to have happen and what I would be able to accept from this R. That is not going to be easy. If he was to recommit to our "R", will I ever get what I need/want from him? I know I can't see the future, so that will not be possible to predict, but I currently feel that I CAN "get him back".
But here's the kicker. Is that what I really want? That's what I need to figure out in the upcoming months. Knowing that he's got some kind of personality disorder, would it be something that I have the strength to deal with in the future? That's where learning how to communicate with him and his disorder will come into play. That's where recognizing my boundaries, and enforcing them, will play a big, big factor in determining the outcome of this.
I feel like I've been coasting along, constantly erring on the side of caution; afraid to take certain stands because I didn't know what I was dealing with. Now with more resources available; with his (hopefully) continued psychological counseling, perhaps, even if I do end up moving out and ending this (romantic) R, I will feel like I truly have done everything available. No matter what the definition of our R is, this man is the father of my children and I will need to know how to deal with him for the well-being of my children.
The thought of leaving now has not sat well with me. I feel like there are still stones unturned. And I REALLY don't like the thought of moving D8 during a school year. If my decision doesn't jive with him, well, as DB says (in matters of divorce), if he wants me out, then HE needs to do the work. He can go to court and have me evicted, if that's what he wants. Or, he can move out (again). Whatever - it will be his choice.
However, MY choice is to give it everything I've got for the next 3 months. At the end of that time, I may very well decide that leaving is the best choice for me & my kids.
Time will tell. In the meantime, my first order of business is to finish the "walking on Eggshells" workbook I have. That helps me figure out my needs, my boundaries and how to enforce them. It gives the necessary strategies to cope with him as well as maintain my own personal well being. Time to get to it.
I found a book called "Walking on Eggshells" and it's corresponding workbook of the same name for people dealing with someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.
There's not many books on the subject of BPD as a whole, and this is the ONLY one I could find specifically geared towards people who have a BPD in their life. It's not for the BPD sufferer, as all the other books are, but for those of us trying to understand and cope with a loved one suffering from this disorder.
I know that SO has NOT yet been diagnosed by a doctor, and until he is, everything is simply an estimated guess on my part. Over the past few years, I have done a lot of research on numerous personality disorders and this one appears to be "it".
I don't want anyone to think I'm diagnosing him myself or anything, but I'd bet my right boobie that this IS what he suffers from. I know that a lot of personality disorders are very similar to one another, and in no way am I basing everything on this one book. He doesn't know I have this book, he's really not the "book" type, but I swear, too many of the things in there - it's like someone peeked in our window, took notes and put them in the book, word for word. It's eerie.
The best thing about the workbook is it helps ME. It's already done a lot to remind me of what I want from MY life; given me ways to deal with SO's issues (and so far, the few I've tried have worked!!) And, I'm only about 1/3 of the way through it. It's pointed out things that I had forgotten about myself; and simultaneously gives me a better understanding of how SO's mind operates. Or rather, gives me a better understanding of how a person with BPD processes emotions and why they act certain ways. Very insightful. Although I don't ever want to have to recommend it to anyone.
Now, after a calm weekend, nice phone call this morning...SO has turned back into Jekyll. Again, everything is my fault - from his suicide threat and now, the car accident is MY fault too. All because I refuse to tell him the rumors I've heard.
And, oh yeah - becuase of that, him & OW are going to fly to Vegas and elope. So I'd better get the f* out.
What a great Monday morning this has turned out to be. Where the hell did I put that detachment info??? LOL.
I'll tell you, as I sit back and re-read his pathetic emails, I just want to crack up laughing. His reasons for getting married? Spite and control. No where did he mention umm....LOVE!
I'lll post his emails on my blog in a bit. I'm not falling into his trap. I've answered everything calmly and rationally. And I know it's PISSING him off even more that I'm not playing into his hand. Right now, I need a breather. And a shower.
