I've copied this from sexual issues, cos I don't think anyone actually reads there. I'd love your responses/suggestions.
So here I am, hanging on by my fingernails. Feeling more and more resentment at his lack of affection. He hasn't kissed, touched or even really looked at me for about a week. I had asked if we could have more affection, by at least kissing when he/me comes in or goes out and when we go to bed/wake up. I thought this might open the door a little to more opportunity. When I got back in yesterday evening he was getting in the shower and I jokingly called, you know what you say about why people shower in the afternoon...what says he, well I reminded him that one afternoon I was jumping in the shower when he got home from work, and he said "only one reason why people shower in the afternoon, it's always after sex" he was joking when he said this, and so was I when I mentioned it last night. Any way he just calls down, don't be so stupid! I go on to check my email and look around, (yeh, I know I shouldn't) and he's been watching porn.....I was sooo mad. I don't even mind porn, we used to watch it together, but that he can't be bothered with me but still getting off on porn is making my blood boil.
My H is a recovering porn addict. In my case he is trying to quit so some of my advice won't help in your case but I can sympathize with you at any rate.
Porn is an awful degrading addicting monster. Fed by perverts around the world and whores who have lost all honor. It's a strong statement I know in an age that says we should respect others choices - but I call it like it is. It is hard - no impossible to make a man stop viewing that crap if he doesn't want to. It is everywhere.
Just try to Remember it is not about you. It's not about you not filling his needs, it's not about your body or your lack of time, or your nagging or anything else. It is about your H's selfishness, his wish to protect his emotions. His cluelessness about where it will take him and what he could loose. The "ease" of getting the rush of hormones without having to give a darn thing of himself.
Depending on his level of involvement you can talk to him. That is your only tool. Explain how you feel. Tell him you don't want that in your life or that you want to be included - I don't know.
If it is really distressing to you I'd recommend installing a content blocker on the computer. This will only work with his permission unless it is your computer. Content Watch has a good one.
I know that everytime you find him into that crap it will send another dagger into your heart. Until he can face his problem like a man and realize how much he is hurting you you will have to just live for you. And try not to become a co-addict to his behaviors.
DBing is great in this case. Set your boundaries. Tell him what you will and won't allow in your life and then stick to your guns. You have a right to live a life with a dedicated man. Ask him if he is that man.
Hi mbw, thanks for your response. I feel bad cos I know I'm not very dedicated I tend to flit from one thing to another. We have been together for 17 years, but lived apart for 2 and only back together for 4 months. I wonder if he won't compromise and give himself because he's worried I'll be off again. But it ends up in a catch 22 situation he won't give any affection and I want to leave because of the lack of it.
Hi Martelo, you'll have to spell it out 'cos I'm not good at subtlety. What I meant was that becaue I move from project to project, and change jobs etc, as well as us having lived apart I think this has him thinking that I could be off at a moments notice, and maybe he's right. I left before and I feel like it again now, but I'm trying to work through it and not go at the drop of a hat. I've never had an EA or PA.
I was in a similar sich myself when I first joined this BB and it made me miserable. I have two thoughts for you.
1)Remember that as a female of the species there is really no rational reason for you to experience the emotion of "jealousy". There is no possible situation in which it will ever do you any good. In particular, you are just conspiring to degrade yourself by being in any manner "jealous" of porn because you are WAY better than porn.
2)The way to get beyond the HD/LD mindset in which you feel like the one who is the underdog because "he doesn't want to have sex with you" is to remember the maxim "Everybody has a sex life but not necessarily one in which you would like to participate.". You could easily level the playing field in your relationship by telling your H "Since you have chosen to indulge your need for a fantasy/MB oriented sex life at this time, I have decided to do the same. Please respect my privacy in the computer den when I put a pink ribbon on the doorknob because I shall be using my vibrator in conjunction with chatting with men on the internet. I would just look at porn like you but I find that as a female I need the auditory brain stimulus provided by dirty talk. Did you remember to pay the gas bill this month? Your mother called and she wants us over for dinner on Sunday.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hi MJ, and thanks for your input. I don't think I feel jealous of the porn. I have never really felt jealous, I accept that he is going to find other women attractive and understand the stimulation porn provides. I even understand why he uses it, MB means not having to cuddle/chat afterwards or any intimacy at all. I had no problem with this when we had a satisfactory sex life but now and for the past 10 years or so he would rather do this than ML with me. It's difficult to describe how crazy I feel about it right now. I like your idea of the pink ribbon, lol, but I think it would just drive us further apart.
Hey alpha123 I am glad to hear that you have not had an EA or PA. I am a guy and have had some problems with using porn to selfsooth instead of puting myself "out there" and to be sexually rejected. Now it doesn't seem that this would be a case in your relationship. I am glad that you have a permisive view of it and your guy using it the idea that all men who watch porn are "perverts" can push the issue into a place where it becomes not only about self-soothing or self-pleasure but into a realm of secrecy and shame that does far more damage to any relationship.
You seem to have an idea of what may be the issues and he could be turning to porn as a way to protect himself from the possibility of you leaving, again. You could ask him but there is the problem that he may not even know himself why is turning to porn and not to you.
You make it sound like this has been going on for 10 years and that he has always avoided intimacy but you were ok with it as long as you were "getting" sex, please correct me if I am reading into this more that is there.
Thanks Martelo, porn has always been used, it used to be a part of our sex life together, while I was satisfied with our sex life I had no problem with him using porn or masturbating. I still don't, but now it seems like he has substituted our sex life with this, and I have a problem with that. Shortly after I came back here to live there was one night when he came in from work, and asked me to come upstairs with him. I gave him BJ, we were both happy with this and he said that's a nice way to come home from work, then never suggested it again! If I make any moves (which I have pretty much given up on) he says I'm like a leery old man! When I wrote the OP, he had been looking at porn after coming in from work, and I had been out visiting, most nights I'm home, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have bothered if I had been that night.
I've wrote this as an email to my H, I haven't sent it and don't know if I will, I'm not sure it explains properly or explicitly enough for him to understand, what do y'all think?
I love you so much and want to spend the rest of my life with you, but find myself becoming frustrated, resentful and depressed, which is causing discontent between us.
I don't even want to have sex as much as it may seem I do, I just want to have the option of being open to it, of being able to touch you and feel close to you at other times. I know that you are really trying to give me this because I can feel the difference, I notice when you kiss me in the kitchen, or stroke my neck when we're out. I feel like I have to hold back reciprocating these touches or initiating them, because you'll think I want to be in your pants.
I've been trying to think of a simile to try to explain to you how it feels, (I'm not asking you to do anything about it, but just to understand how it feels for me.)
The things I do for you are to try to keep the house clean and make the food. I do this because it's what I think is important to you. (I'm pretty sure it is 'cos you get upset if it's not done.)
So to get to it. If I left the house, bed, sink, everything, just as it was and let it get messier and messier not even clearing up after myself, you would get pretty pissed off. If at night I said just order in, or get some toast or something, or even I don't really care what you eat, you sort it out. I think you would start to wonder what my role was here, and what was I contributing to the house and relationship. But then after 2-3 weeks, you went to work and when you came home the house was gleaming, everywhere you looked clean, clear surfaces, spotless floors and an amazing meal waiting for you. Your spirits would be lifted you would feel happy and at peace with our world. The next day when you go to work I don't do anything but it's not so bad cos it takes a while for the place to get messed up, but after 2 weeks or so it's starting to look pretty rank. Just then you're starting to think, what am I doing, she's never going to be the wife I want, everyday the house is looking dirtier and dirtier and you start not to want to come home. When you come in we argue, you're shouting at me, telling me how lazy I am, and how you hate to live like this, and why should you have to take care of the house after you've been to work. But then a few days later the house is immaculate and you're at ease again, although you can't really relax, even though it's beautiful, you're pretty sure that now it's only downhill from here you don't know if i'll clean up in a couple of days or a couple of weeks, but you're pretty sure it will be more like weeks.
This is how sex feels to me. I try to prepare for it, making sure I'm showered and perfumed and looking nice. Making sure you won't be stressed when you come in, cos the house is clean and the meal is in hand. Hoping you can relax at the end of the day and that you'll want to be close to me. So that when you come in you can SEE me and see how pretty I am and want to touch me. That you'll want to kiss me and press into me and show me that you find me desirable and that you've missed me and want me. But this isn't going to happen 'cos this is the messy house. When you come in I'll offer you tea ask about your day. You'll talk to me pleasantly, you might cuddle me or give me a peck, but more likely you'll take your tea and get on with your own stuff, because you can't be bothered with cleaning the house tonight, or the next, or the next. But then after a couple of weeks you're thinking hey, it's time this house was cleaned and you spend hours and hours, getting into every nook and cranny, and making sure that house is cleaned within an inch of it's life. Just like a house needs regular cleaning, I need regular affection. I'm not talking about all out hanging from the chandeliers but going to bed early (or even on the sofa) a couple of times a week, even just to cuddle and kiss and enjoy touching and being together like vaccuming and dusting and keeping on top of things, it would stop a build up. When I try to kiss you and you keep your arms folded or your lips shut, this would be like you trying to clean up the messy house but I'd locked the hoover away.
I'm going to compare kissing to tea. I make you tea, you kiss me. We do this because we want to do things for each other, you want tea and I want to be kissed. When I make you tea it's lovely, sometimes I'll bring you a cup just when you need it, and maybe I'll have brought the cookies too and it's wonderful, because it's just what you needed. This would be like me feeling low or miserable, and you coming in and SEEING me, putting your arms around me, holding me and kissing me, really kissing me like you enjoy having me in your arms. Sometimes when I made your tea, there woudn't be enough sugar in it, it would be too hot or cold, or I would slam it down in front of you. This would be like those throw away kisses when you come in or leave, when you brush your dry lips on mine, or when you roll your eyes or complain because I've asked you to kiss me, hello/goodbye/goodmorning/goodnight. Sometimes I wouldn't make you tea, I wouldn't see that you are thirsty or that you would like a drink, this is when you don't kiss me at all, it completely slips your mind, it has no importance to you so you don't think to do it. I don't think that is much to ask, in the same way I imagine that you don't think it's going out of my way for me to make you tea....
