I am still trying to work on being that old girl he met and married. I have great inspiration from this thread. Thanks! I think Sarah and i may be in a similar sitch. Hopefully things will work ut for all of us.
Dotto, I don't know what I'm doing in this forum, "Piecing" except trying to find hope; wishful thinking. I read the threads, trying to find a key, the key to opening up my H's heart. Although he's not ready, he's closer that he's been before, I think. My H is in the category Love is not tough, it's easy or should be, and if it's not, then it's not right. All will be ok, somehow, someway. On the one side, these guys don't deserve us, on the other we have now realized relationships are work. DB till death do us part, that should be our motto! Backslide today. OR talk, H says "You said you didn't like my friends". Didn't defend myself at least. I said "I can't do anything about the past. You can decide to put all that stuff and put it in a box and put it on the shelf or you can choose to keep bringing it up. My intentions were never to hurt you". I also said "I think I handle the kids better than you" and he called me on it. I said "you know I love you" H says, "I do not". Sarah
sarah, thanks for 'reviving' this thread. Hopefully more will see it and think about showing their spouses the love and respect that maybe they weren't before, I know I am guilty of that. I am a woman so I will speak as one and say that men need to feel respected and appreciated and loved. If you think that is hogwash then things will not go well. My H responds to kind words and affection. I can't beileve how much time I wasted, literally years. Lisa
well what about them going out of their way to show you how much they love you....I for years went out of my way to please h....and now that he's left me for ow and then decided to come back...I have to go out of my way for him but have to send flowers to myself?????
ok I get it...I have to change...I have to not care..not go out of my way to show h i love him and appreciate him and want to spend time with him...and then maybe he will change too???
LL, I can only speak from my own experience that when I changed, so did my H. And, I read a lot too that when one spouse changes the relationship changes. Show your H what he is giving up by leaving you.
Lisa (aka tielbeagle) - you're so right about when one spouse changes, the dynamics of the relationship changes as well. It's tough for me to go out of my way to show W the love since she has closed herself off so much to me but I try to find my opportunities where I can. Chip away at the boulder - turn it into a bunch of pebbles that can roll harmlessly by...
You are right too Bob, my H too was closed off to me but I was persistent and even though it nearly killed me because I was hurting so badly I knew I had to stop the destructive cycle I was in and start to show him I was changing or I wouldn't have been able to turn my sit. around. This is especially effective when you know that your spouse still cares for you even though THEY are convinced they are done like my H was. Lisa
Miss Lisa, Your words are yes, yes, yes, so wise. Our H's do indeed need to feel loved, and worshiped. That's what my H said to me, he didn't feel loved, I didn't show him love. Of course my response was filled with defensiveness, anger, etc. So to turn the situation around does take time, and the actions. NO WORDS. They have to find their own words. It's so funny how we knew/know them so well, what we can say to make them smile at themselves, but for some reason (we weren't happy, our own MLC, we felt taken advantage of) we witheld the love. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. But I think the overall question here is, do we show them love when they are treating us with disrespect? Blaming us for everything wrong in their lives. Did you get that from your H? Sarah
Sarah, no, that is one thing my H never did do that I read an awful lot here, he didn't blame me, he kept saying it wasn't all my fault. I thought it was my fault more than he did. He did tell me that that he didn't make himself fall out of love. Michele would say not to get defensive if your H is blaming you though. Just try and let it roll off your back. That would have been a 180 for me, the old me would get all bent and defensive. I did feel howver that my H figured he'd be instantly happy if he was rid of me though. Lisa
