Lisa, Thanks for your answer. Initially my H did say "we're just not meant to be" (after 18 yrs), and "you didn't love me", but as I pursued and said "why, why, why", and when he and my best friend got together, I became incredibly hurt and angry. That's when the blaming thing started. H says if I would have been his "friend" from the beginning, things would have been different. Who knows? Is that so? Probably not. In addition my H does not think there are any consequences with a D. We can still be friends, have our same old friends, the kids will be fine. Of course me TELLING him this is not the case does not teach him anything. And there's that sickly kind of love too, that "I'll do anything for you" and forgetting who you are and what you want. I tried that, which is a 180 for me, but he didn't buy it. What I feel from your posts is that there is a sincerity in the love that you are showing your H. Because these H's have been with us for so long, they usually can read this. Maybe that's where my question is, I realize that one needs a certain calm (detachment?), a knowledge that what you are doing is the right path. That's when things start going smoothly and it's not all work, and changing behavior patterns and second guessing yourself. I guess I'm not really being clear here, but I think one of the dilemnas that we face is how to show the love without pursuit. That it's somehow free love, that's who we really are, that we DO love them. They really want love, we know that, but if the door is not open for it from you, is it still a working formula? Is it possible you can give me a concrete example. Was it the way you changed looking at him? Was it your tone of voice? Probably all these things. Thanks for being there for us. Sarah
Sarah, I heard the same thing, we aren't compatible, nothing in common etc. He also thought too that there would be no consequences with D'ing, the kids would be fine, blah, blah, blah. That is just their rationalizing to get what they want, you know, trying to convinced themselves. I think to be loving without pursuit is not following them around, being a doormat. Not calling them unless it's for something really concrete. Yes I changed the way I looked at him and talked to him. I started to be kind and gentle and not interrogating as to his where abouts or why he's 15 minutes later than usual. It all gets through even if you think it isn't. But they have to see a pattern over time to believe it's real. My H told me he thought I was just doing it all out of desperation and that it wouldn't last. He told me it made him feel guilty too. I with held love and affection from him for so so long. He told me I wasn't happy either. And I wasn't with the way things were going. But, I told him that I was never out of love. But he probably didn't know that with my actions for so long. No wonder he started talking to someone else. He surely couldn't talk to his own wife. I needed to become less reactive and defensive too. I wasn't a very supportive wife either, although I never once since he became a volunteer fireman 2 years ago complained about him going on calls or the meetings or any of it. Not even when he had a call last Xmas eve. I'm so thankful I didn't have that one more thing against me. I didn't show him appreciatiation or respect. He never knew what mood I'd be in when he got home, usually a bad one. I never do that now. I'm always very happy to see him and he knows it. It's easier now because we are much better but back during the first few months I had to endure his doubts and knowing that he wanted out. You have to let that roll off your back, if you can. I know it's hard when you are dying inside too. But he finally started to see a pattern and now knows that indeed I have changed. I changed because "I" didn't like the old me. I didn't like being miserable all the time and taking it out on him. Living like this is so much better, believe me. One thing I knew I had going for me was that even though he said he was out of love (but wanted to be in love, man that hurt because I took it as just not with me) I knew he still cared about me and even loved me some. So I knew that I could rekindle it, IF he gave me the chance. He never acted like he was in a hurry to get a D over with either, so I had time on my side too. He wanted us to D and continue living together for the kids' sake. (At the same time "the kids would be fine if we D'd). Talk about mixed up, they are lost little puppies in MLC. I told him no to that request of D'ing and living together, that if he didn't want to be M to me he'd have to leave. He said, "where will I go"? I said, "that's not my problem". I hope I answered your inquiries. Lisa
Lisa, Thank you so very much for your response. It helps keep the feet on the ground. It's amazing how the definition of "love" changes. Whether we want that "feeling", how much work and anxiety intimacy can bring. For one thing I'm really happy that your H saw the light and that he is with you again. I'm very happy for you that you found happiness in your own actions. You really sound sincere and your posts resound with a lot of love for your H. We are very lucky that you visit us here to share your experience. Anyway, so this is a big fat thank you for your inspiration and posts.
As for me, showing love. Some of that is about showing oneself, without expecting anything in return, uncondional love? Take care, I will post again as my sitch changes and I am able to show the love. At the present time, I'm a little dark. I need to pull myself together here. Did you ever retreat? Sarah
Sarah, by "retreat" do you mean did I go dark? Or do you mean withdraw from him? I didn't go dark, that would have been too hard for me. Unless my leaving for 2 weeks is considered dark. I think that gave him the opportunity to find out what it would be like to be a single father. As far as withdrawing, we were both withdrawn from each other, for a long, long time before bomb- I guess looking back on it now. We had become very distant. I will look for your progress in this situation you are in. You have my support! Lisa
I was loving from the beginning--of our 34 year marriage. Even when he went cold and nasty, I was loving. I never stopped loving him. Then he had the affair. Not because I wasn't loving, because he needed to find himself ! MLC he now says. He then abandoned me. Now he is back and I find I am no longer so loving--wrong attitude but, I ,too, got so sick of being the loving one without him trying just as hard.I feel since he wanted to come back he should be doing some really hard work, but, sad to say he thinks things should just go back to the old ways--without the OW,though.. I am supposed to be SOOOO grateful he got rid of her. Oh really? and that's all it takes? Please. Every sit. is different. If your being loving changes them into loving beings, great. I just am sick of being the one doing the work and the new year I will probably boot him out. I am finding that what I thought I wanted so desparately really probaly isn't worth it--for me. As I said,everyone's sit. is different. I always thought that being loving was the way to be. And I still think we should be loving beings. But there comes a time when enough just isn't and the whole thing needs to end.I really resent doing all this DBing and he is jsut as cold as before. Baloney on this.
tielbeagle, Hey. I read your post on my last thread. Thanks for your input. My response is over on your other thread. Since I wasn't sure which one you'd read. Thanks again!
My new thread: Still Doing The W-A-L-K
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Dumbfounded, I wrote that thread for people who want to make it work in their marriages. Sometimes after DB'ing, some decide that with all they've learned about themselves and their sits. that they just want to get it over with and start over, that it just isn't worth it. It sounds like that is where you are. I looked for your own thread to read about your sit. but couldn't find one. My H has been trying to change too. So with him trying and me still wanting my M very badly I decided to "fix" the things I did wrong, and one of them was not showing love and affection like I should have. I can understand where if your H is not at all and is still the same that it would be discouraging. I'm sorry to read that. Could it be that there hasn't been enough time? I know that I wanted quicker results but slowleeee, slowleee... With an affair in the past I do think that your H should be doing more to reassure you. Lisa
Tough question, should you show the love when they are in the midst of an affair?
In essense, that's what the affairee did, show the love they wanted. The difficulty is it turns into pursuit, groveling, and low self-esteem. PMA, FAITH, PATIENCE.
I'm visiting my parents for a few days. My sister called and wished me good luck. How's that? We are the classic example of don't get the family involved. Don't do it! Sarah
Some of our spouses need to be shown what they will miss once we are gone; I tried that. My H instead lost his self-worth and found OW's to fill his ego. They got tired, but he continues to feel forlorn and melancholy, and has minimal self-respect. Showing him love when he is turned off to ONLY me, is something that I am doing only because it will help me in the long run, but the real love and appreciation for who he is, the father to my children, the bread-winner, the crazy guy, etc. We all have our demons, but concentrating on them does no good. His demons are his, mine are mine, if we can open ourselves up enough to talk about our inadequacies, I feel we could make great strides. Really, I am ok. There is no loser if I show who I am, if I smile when he does something that makes me happy, if I listen without expectations. For me, that's love. Thanks for the thread. Serenity Sarah
