he'd get a reaction regardless and he is right in that but if he had told me my reaction would have been dissapointment but not so much at him as at the fact that I once again don't get to go to the game...
the only thing I can do is say nothing...saying it sweetly still doesn't get it done...I did not ask him with anger only asked matter of factly .."how did sil end up at the game?" and on comes the defensive attitude..I am at fault for falling into the trap of his defensive attitude raising anger in me..I react to it...all these years I have been accused of yelling at him and being the "bitch" I am now realizing that it is him...he raises his voice to me...difference is he is a man with a mans voice so it does not sound like yelling but it clearly is...he interupts me when I talk...I raise my voice more and get angry to be heard...and on and on it goes from there....h has all along blamed me...and I am realizing that honey it aint me....i can be accused of some things...like gee wanting to spend time with him...wanting to know about his life...wanting to have a real r with him...
the only way i will be able to have a "peacefull" r with h is to just not expect anything from him...keep my mouth shut when something bothers me. don't bother to ask for what I want cause all that tells him is that what he's doing isn't enough. guess I should have just taken his mothers advice long ago and just go out and spend his money...it seems to be the only part of him that I am garunteed..and in light of all the crap that has happened over the past year I have a bit more freedom with how I spend it to boot...ie (I went out one sunday and bought a 200$ peice of furniture without asking brought it home and h said nothing, in the past I would have asked before I'd spend 70$ on a pic for the wall and that was even back when I to was working)
gee great..just tuned into the game again..and the pats won in overtime....tra la la ...I am a sunday widow and my children are fatherless on sundays....oh how I am looking forward to feb when football is over and sundays can go back to the way they were over the summer!!!
still don't know if h will come home tonight...as he left here at 9 this am and I haven't heard from him and doubt I will till at least the other team that has to loose to let the pats win the devision has played...maybe h will get drunk celebrating and won't come home. wish I could have my own appartment to run to when I feel like it.
it seems to me that I am the one who is more vested in the r and always have been...h does as he pleases..when he pleases and I have to just except that is the way it is...when I "complain" about being stressed or depressed about the total lack of freedom that I have because of the kids..while h is free to do as he pleases...I get "what did you think it would be like having kids" this is a man who clearly just doesn't know how to say the right thing in any situation...gee mr martian...why not hmmm what can WE do to releave some of the stress to you...maybe I could come home early (hell 4 would be great) one day a week and you can go take a nap or something...maybe since now I go watch football all day on sundays..I could stay around with the kids on saturday to give you a break...no why would I do that...it is all about me here...I was the one who had the fortune of being born with a penis...you take care of me and the kids and you'll have your opportunity to do as you please when your 50 but I will continue to do what I want all along.
I am tired...I am depressed...I am lonley..I am hurt...and I don't know what I can do about it anymore and honestly I am tired of trying to fix this r. it's not my problem anymore..I will live in this house...I will take care of my children and I will go about my business...I will come and go as I please whenever h happens to be here...why should I bother to give him my schedule or make plans with him to be here...he doesn't give me that courtesy just assumes I am here to tend to the kids. don't get me wrong...h was not good at the whole r thing even before the kids. his work and football were always more important. time for me to have somethings that are more important too. stinks cause I wanted a r with h...he is a good guy...he is fun and all that..but apparently h doesn't know how to be in a r...or what family really means...I should have known..looking at his family...fil never knows where his wife is...but what can ya do.
Quoting lostlove: gee great..just tuned into the game again..and the pats won in overtime
Yeah... I am not watch the game, so that was a pleasant surprise...
Quoting lostlove: ....tra la la ...I am a sunday widow and my children are fatherless on sundays....oh how I am looking forward to feb when football is over and sundays can go back to the way they were over the summer!!!
Opps, I am so sorry...
Quoting lostlove:..."how did sil end up at the game?"
You know, this question was phrased in a way that would definitely invite a defensive reaction from the person being asked. How about...
Quoting RJJ: maybe say nothing at the time, somehow paint on a smile, then later, calmly and sweetly say "If you are ever looking for someone to go with you to the game, I would love to go".
And perhaps, if you really want to involve SIL in your convo, say like
"I thought I was a bigger fan than SIL and you (H). I would love to go out with you..." (with a painted smile, of course, and perhaps a bit seduction).
See the little bit difference? So hopefully this would eliminate the following reactions
Quoting lostlove:I react to it...all these years I have been accused of yelling at him and being the "bitch" I am now realizing that it is him...
This is sort of a repeat of my previous post (you might have missed it as it was posted right before you finished typing). Sorry for the bore.
Quoting lostlove: I am tired...I am depressed...I am lonley..I am hurt...and I don't know what I can do about it anymore and honestly I am tired of trying to fix this r.
I hear you. It sucks when you are the only one taking care of this R, while this is a two people business. But you know, this is the one you love, and you will shape this R so that your H will become more interested and vested in investing his energy into helping you to shape up the R...
Quoting lostlove: he is fun and all that..but apparently h doesn't know how to be in a r...or what family really means...I should have known..looking at his family...fil never knows where his wife is...but what can ya do.
I want to quote something you used to encourage me about my W's pattern to stray:
Quoting lostlove: just because w had a pattern in the past does not mean that pattern cannot be changed.
That was an inspiration...
Hope you can find a place for your own vacation soon.
fyi....h knows full well that I always want to go to the games...just the sat night before I asked if there were any spare tickets..if any of the guys weren't going...h said nothing...so I asked my girlfriend who was there if she knew anyone with tickets cause I wanted to go....
how many different ways can you let someone know what you want...I give up. h doesn't want me to be a part of his life...I'm tired of using seduction...I am far better than all that crap..yes I have a body but I am more than that and any man who can't figure that out needs a kick in the ass.
btw..despite the fact that h infuriates me...while I was out today at home depot with fil getting tiles for the basement fireplace (woodstove needs a mock mantel for the heat against the wall) I picked up a new thinsulate coat for h...why because that's what I do...make sure the sob has new sox and underwear and heaven forbid I see something patriots related I pick it up for him...does he do anything like that for me???? NOPE cause it's all about him. time for the little boy to grow up..take care of himself and for me to start taking care of me...hell if i can send myself flowers just imagine how good I can be to me!!!
Quoting lostlove: fyi....h knows full well that I always want to go to the games...just the sat night before I asked if there were any spare tickets..if any of the guys weren't going...h said nothing...so I asked my girlfriend who was there if she knew anyone with tickets cause I wanted to go....
LL, I am so sorry...
Quoting lostlove:...I give up. h doesn't want me to be a part of his life...
...while I was out today at home depot with fil getting tiles for the basement fireplace (woodstove needs a mock mantel for the heat against the wall) I picked up a new thinsulate coat for h...why because that's what I do...
Despite inconsistencies, that showed perfectly you are a caring and loving woman...
Got to run. My W called and wanted to talk to me at my house while I am in my office enjoying reading...
though they are h's tickets...he splits them with bil (well the past two years anyway) and therefore bil owns that ticket...he chooses to send along his little wife in his place when he doesn't go...think though that if my h bothered to think gee bil how bout I buy your seat that way I can take ll...I think sil should understand that. but no h just goes along with sil and doesn't think of me at all...only thinks to not let me know that she went instead of bil.
h can think what he wants of me...I know what I bring to the r, I know what I do for h and for this family...I am all done trying. Its my turn to just be me and do what I want to do...my considerations belong now only to my children...let h see what it's like to be me for a while only having a partner when it's conveinent to that partner.
so h finally called at 6:40 I conveiniently in the playroom choosing to not answer the phone...know it's him anyway (who calls me?) so he left a message I could barely make out sounds like "hey you, it's me" this is his cute talk. then calls again cause apparently the connection was bad...left another message still not clear ..but more bla bla bla I'll try you again later...h baffles me...is rude to me...cold to me...doesn't talk about the argument and find a resolution making us both feel better...simply goes to sleep wakes up in the am hops in the shower and takes off to the game...then after his time sneaks in a win at the last min hours after actaully h calls cutsie????? gee maybe bil put a call into sil and h just followed suit and called me..do I care...at this point no...from now on I expect nothing from h...that way then if I get anything from him...I can be happy about it.
think I'll put the kids to bed and get to bed myself...no point waiting up for h to come home if he is in fact comming home as he still does have the option to stay at his appartment....must be nice huh?
Yeah, the communication between you two needs some work. Maybe you can get a book on communication. Are you seeing a C? I can't remember...
Hang in there LL... just keep working on it. Try learning a better communication system. I'm thinking that is where you guys need to patch up some stuff.
