i know full well it is not his job to read my mind and he has never had to....I always let him know what I need and want...am only now having to learn to pick and choose...but on the issue of my going out...I have let h know that if he would prefer that i spend time at home with him he need only speak up..does not mean that I wont still go out but I would like for him to let me know. h is still trying to give me space and doesn't realize that unlike him...i like to be called and I'd like to be reminded that I'm wanted.
so when h did get home he hugged me and asked what was wrong...I said I felt like he was drifting..we discussed this week a bit (has been crazy because of the snow) h assured me that he is not drifting anywhere and has just been off due to the screwey schedule of snow plowing!! LL
LL, It sounds like he is trying to respect your space even though it may not be what he wants and thinks he is doing the right by that. (he is doing his version of DBing) ... but if it is not what you really want then it isn't working and will continue to build up the frustration level for the both of you. Look for the appropriate 180 to break the pattern of what is not working. Discussing it may do the trick.
Also, about getting him to suggest going out, the next time you are sitting quietly by the fire, drop a little hint like, "This is nice, but I'd like a change in atmosphere once in a while." Then watch and see what he decides to do with that.
what else can I do? other than just accept that he will always give me space even when I don't want it and would rather hear him beg me to stay home. LL
Ooops, I see we cross posted. I see you pretty much figured out what I had posted.
Quote: I have let h know that if he would prefer that i spend time at home with him he need only speak up..does not mean that I wont still go out but I would like for him to let me know. h is still trying to give me space and doesn't realize that unlike him...i like to be called and I'd like to be reminded that I'm wanted.
He may be thinking he is doing the right thing by saying it is OK for you to go out, but doesn't have the honed DB skills to pick up that is not what is best. In order to bring you closer together, at first, it is you who has to point out that it doesn't work, discuss how to arrive at a solution together. In time and with practice, he will get the hang of it enough to start initiating some of these things on his own.
so we had a bit of a discussion last night...I didn't intend for it..tried to avoid it..but after being physical I started to cry..I was thinking of him and ow and it bothered me...h knew something was wrong before he saw my face (i had been hiding on his shoulder) he was very comforting and understanding..told me that if I felt that way I should have stopped him. assured me that he is not seeing or talking to ow any longer and honestly hasn't been thinking much about her either. (oh it was so nice to hear that) it is not so much that I doubt his still seeing her it is just the whole mess of this all having happend in the first place and his still having those feelings for her.
h is here because he wants to be here...he is not happy about the fact that he doesn't wear his ring (i took it from him back in august) isn't thrilled about his having a separate residence (though admits it's a nice convenience for when it snows or he stays out late) does not have a time line for when these things will change. and honestly I do not know what time line I have concerning them either.
did cover the fact that h doesn't initiate many outings..and that I know this has always been just the way he is..but that it would be nice if once in a while h would come up with something simple to do..(I really am easy to please) I'd be thrilled if he simply got a sitter and we went to the mall together or something..doesn't matter what...just set something up.ya know?
also let h know some of the things he has been doing right...
telling me about his dream- let him know that was HUGE to me.
talking to me about his parents-huge
the sun night that he called and said he wished he'd just stayed home- HUGE!
I let h know that I do not want to change him, I want him to be him. I pointed out to him that I tried to pay attention to what it was that h didn't like about me and "changed" it... and in doing so realized that it was for my own betterment..
we discussed the fact that h has been changing some things..so I asked him how he felt about making changes and he said good..
so we are on a good road (i think) a long one, but I think the right path has finally been found (oh thanks for db)
I just hope I can have the patience I will need for this journey... it was hard enough waiting for a proposal the first time around.
LL
ok, I just tried to call h at his office, just wanted to say hi, the line was busy (i assumed he was on the puter, no biggie) don't ya know 2 min later h calls me!!!! I let him know I had just called him too!! i had asked if h got home early enough if he would like to take the kids out somewhere just to get them out...well don't ya know the man who usually can't come up with stuff to do has picked the most touching thing...may seem simple to most but I just want to cry..for the past 5 years at christmas h has gotten the tree by himself (a gift from a garden center as he is a landscaper) his suggestion for what to do with the kids...let's go out tonight and get a tree!!!! I could just melt...I have fond memories of going out with my dad as a kid to pick out the tree and now I get to share that with my children and h..
I also let h know during the conversation that I enjoyed his company last night inspite of my upset..that this has been a difficult week for me with his off sched due to the snow...that i never did like it much and it is a bit harder now due to the sit..but he is doing a very good job at reasurring me and I appreciate it. he was happy to hear that!! LL "floating a bit now"
LL, I am sooo happy for you...there are bound to be ups and downs, you have done a great job of getting through the downs. Grasp what is coming your way..You know what works and what does not.Keep the positive communication open. I ws reading that one book by John Gottman about marriage and he states that you have to respect each other and be able to handle the conflicts that come along in a non accusing manner.You and your h seem to be on that path.. Have a great night Sue
Way to go! 
