I understand that, but I also suspect some of the advice given on th MLC board is VERY destructive. From what little I have seen, the success rate over there is not very high. Maybe she could re-examine some MLC-based tactics that may not be working?
Thanks NJ for your kind words. Thanks everybody for chiming in.
The viewpoint in the MCL boards is that MLC is depression that goes in stages. The MLC almost always involves an affair. It often involves touch and goes. While in MLC, the H or W does what's best for themselves so that they can avoid feeling pain of any kind. It is a dark, desperate struggle for the MLCer who is trying to navigave his/her way through the crisis. THey hurt the ones who love them and they cause destruction in their path of finding "happiness".
As far as the advice that's given, it's more about working on yourself and not "waiting" for your spouse to return. There is a lot of support and encouragement for becoming a whole person while the MLCer spins out of control on their own. As far as standing for the M, some do and some don't. It all comes down to what each individual is willing to tolerate and the progress the LBS sees in the WAS as they navigate through the "tunnel" as we call it in MLC.
As far as myself, I have been on this journey for the past year. I am a completely different person today than I was a year ago. I am a confident and whole person. I am now at a place where I am willing to see if H can work through some of his problems and if we can work through our problems with the M together. If not, then I'm okay with that, too. As far as his coming and going, it is something that does tend to happen to someone in MLC. It doesn't excuse it. In fact, I don't even use the MLC term very often. But it does tend to happen with these guys (and gals).
I am looking at my H who is trying to fix what is wrong with him and who wants his family back but is struggling with how. My H for the first time in his life is in therapy and examining who he is and what kind of person he wants to be. It sounds as though I am allowing him to come and go as he pleases. I am not. It is much more complex and involved in that, as with each return, H takes another step closer to self-realization and completeness. I do not allow cake-eating. It's hard to explain in just a few short posts becuase it's been a year of H and both working through our own process.
I can't say whether or not my M will survive. I honestly don't know. But I do know that I want to do my part to make it survive, as long as I see my H doing his part to make it survive.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Since my H's return in May, he has been struggling with feeling pulled away to OW. She filled a void in his life, right or wrong, so for him it is difficult to give up what he thought he had.
He said when he withdrawals, that's what he's thinking about. He said that he feels like he spends the weekends wondering when we can have sex, and he thinks I spend the weekend thinking how can I avoid sex. Only the weekends? If he is a little like me, it is most of the day.
I opened up to him as well and told him that I am interested in sex, but that I don't like him to just pounce on me. So tell him what makes you tick.
There was a book discussed her "Peace Between the Sheets" (PBTS) more about holding and petting than intercourse. It sounds like he could benefit if he read the book. Some extreme PBTS die-hards have penetration, but reframe from orgasms. That radical part I don't endorse.
My question is this... does his interest in sex seem over the top or is this typical of a guy's view of sex? Just from my POV, if I am only having 20% of the sex I want and it is only 20% as emotionally connecting, exciting, or as active as I really would like, it becomes a big issue for me, mentally.
My W's thinks I want to have sex everyday or twice a day. I said yes, to fill a void I currently feel but a week or two of good sex will settle into a pattern where 2X a week might be enough to keep me minimally happy. That is just my thoughts about me and my situation, with monthly or 2X monthly sex, where I know my W really isn't interested or sexually aroused.
I will give her credit for offering to accommodate me at times to what I feel are some of my needs. I do things for her she tells me she likes, even though I don't get much out of it, other than I know she likes it. Most of the times, it makes me feel good giving.
he does look at porn Before the sex went down hill or did this start after the sex life went down hill?
Porn is one way to sooth depression, create excitement. It is one way to fill a need that doesn't get met IRL. Sometimes it is curiosity driven. Sometimes porn is a place to play in fantasyland.
Even though porn bothers you, don't diminish your self worth by comparing yourself to some porn image. You are real 24/7; most likely they are acting for a few minuets.
Have you read Laura Schlessinger’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands?” That might give you some insight into your H. IMO, his actions are no different than most men here. He wants affection and validation and does not feel he can get that from you. The OW is filling a need, but not all his needs. In turn, he is not giving you what you need to feel secure enough to meet his needs. It has nothing to do with a disease or depression.
He is depressed because of his marriage, not the other way around, which is the biggest mistake the MLC board seems to make. That mistake keeps them lock in the power struggle. Eventually one spouse or the other will prove out to be stronger (or more in denial). If it is the MLCer, then s/he will finally leave. If it is the LBS, the MLCer will come home with his/her tail between his legs, a remnant of a true man/woman.
Sorry, I think that board is pure poison. I think you are in the right place here. Read up on some of the many posts here. Pick up some of the relationship books we talk about. I hear you saying that your H is now working on himself, which is good. You say you are not the same person you were, but does that mean you have worked on yourself, or just hardened yourself? The first is good, the second is bad.
Lou, Very helpful. Thank you. Your sex life sounds like what ours was. We would have sex usually on the weekend, but not every weekend. And certainly not during the week. That's why he brought up weekends. Becuase in the past, during the week was a real rarity. So, some weekends we would. And when we did, I wasn't into it. Well, sometimes I was. But for the most part, it was like pulling teeth for H to get sex.
As for the porn, I think he's always looked at it. It used to be one magazine that he hid under teh couch. Then it was one video that he had. Then when the internet became so available, that's now his vehicle of choice. In terms of whether he did this before or after our sex life went down hill, to be totally honest, we never really had a good sex life. I never saw it as an important part of an R. And I was VERY reserved. No different positions or anything -- I hope I'm not getting too detailed. I just always thought he was too into sex and that all women were more like me.
Cobra, I just got a book, "His Needs, Her Needs". No, I haven't heard about the one you mentioned.
You raise an interesting point about the depression. I know that for a few years prior to him leaving, I felt a distance between us getting further and further. Every time i would say that things were strained, he denied it and said things were fine. Then when he met OW, he said that things were not good with us for a few years and that he didn't love me anymore.
So, since his A started, I think he's been experiencing more and more depression. So, which comes first, the chicken or the egg? I'm not sure.
As for the kind of support I get over there on the MLC board, it's really a matter of letting our H's go to sort out their own mess while the LBS works on themselves. I don't find it to be poision, but rather a supportive group of people.
Regarding me, I truely worked on me. I didn't just harden. I changed all the things about me that I hadn't liked for years. H leaving me just launched me into doing this. I have changed my perspectives about a lot of things. I have become more independant. I have learned to make my own happiness rather than relying on H to make me happy. I have found inner peace.
I really appreicate the feedback I've gotten here. I especially enjoying hearing from the POV of a HD man. I just need to hear the other side of the coin.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Cobra... You are best off not making sweeping generalizations. There is help to be found throughout this entire BB!
PS and her H have a real chance of making it...both are working on their stuff, but it's very hard to move forward from an affair, for both parties. Her H still has that addictive pull, and PS wants to get a sense of what is " normal" sexuality.
Hi PS, Smooch You are so wonderful for coming here. I hope you get the help you are looking for, But don't leave the "Poison" of MLC. We need you.
You have worked on yourself, so much. Good for you. Now you are ready to work on this M. You and your H have a wonderful chance. As always, you are in my prayers chic.
Well my opinion, FWIW, is that while there may be some advice on the MLC board that properly addresses some relationship issues, the general tone over there is confrontational, blaming, angry and focused on the faults of the MLCer. We have seen how fruitless that can be. For the tone of that board to be like that seems poisonous to me.
