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8,

Yeah thanks. Warrior-Poets society is convened.

James,

I think we're not supposed to walk on eggshells. I think we are supposed to be strong and solution-oriented. That's the goal. It takes, I imagine, I certain amount of egg-shell walking to get us there. ;-)

I don't know...how bout some veterans, like Frank, asnwer this qiestion. Maybe he can answer that. When and how did you get past the egg-shell walking phase?

--Theoden

Theo, I think that comes when you are no longer emotionally held hostage by the sitch, when you are able to emotionally detach from W/H's behaviour. When you do your best but allow for what will be to be! That's my guess, but what the heck would I know about it

I know how I can get there, it's when my changes I have made are true and subconciously put in to action. right now I have to put forth an effort to do things that are not in my daily routines.

The other thing is biting my tongue, and I'm sure we all do this. If you don't then your one hell of a person.

after the first 12 pack......

Walking on eggshells, I am getting past it. Although ford's approach works as well, if not better. I have seen it posted elsewhere, in the begining we all suffer from paralysis by analysis. We focus so hard on what we do and what we say, and the impact that it may or may not have, that we lose sight of who we are and what we want.

As time goes on and we see little or no response to our efforts, or baby steps that frustrate us by how small and slow they are, we slowly arrive at a place where we start to say f*ck this sh!t, I am growing tired of this, I know I am a good person and I have done the best that I knew how to do.

We get to a place where we think to ourselves, I still love this person and want it to work, but at what cost?

True detachment is being able to be the people we want to be, and accepting the fact that our spouse may or may not like/enjoy/respond to who that is, but ultimately that is their problem not ours because we are satisfied with who we are or are working towards becoming.

In the past several days/weeks, I and my wife have had alot to think about. I can see her thinking and wondering, but I know in my heart of hearts that I can't answer those questions for her. I can be supportive, I can try to be a comfort, but the answers she seeks are hers to discover.

Theoden posted earlier about feeling as though he had to become this person that could be all things to his wife, until of course what that needed to be changed. To a point we can all see things about our lives that needed to change, and when we have made a good faith and honest effort to address those shortcomings, then we start to see that there has to be some effort on the part of our S.

I know that the idea of DB is that we can change the relationship on our own, and to a certain point we can, but at the end of the day it does indeed take two to tango, and it is only after we lose the fear of our dance partner walking off the floor that we can stop walking on eggshells and really start to explore the possibilities of a new relationship.

Brilliant, 8.

Bravo! \o/\o/\o/

That was one of the most inpiring things I've read. Yesterday was the first time I didn't walk on eggshells, and if you read my last post, it went very well.

I do feel we all need to change, because we were not honoring our commitment to GOD. We took vows, some in his house, and somewhere we all let them fall to the bottom of our priorities.
Change is a good thing, and I think we all need to do this. Wether or not it's because of a sitch like ours or not. We are not perfect and never will be, but at least we can all become better people.

BI43;
Thank you, I was inspired by the events of that evening. On top of all the trauma, drama, and tragic events of the last several months, we are now facing the death of one of our beloved pets.

We have been together for 14 years. He has been with us through several moves and three children. He has helped my wife accomplish some amazing things. He has always helped maintain order in our sometimes hectic lives.

As we come to the end of his life, his presence is already missed.

As a result of this, my wife was quite emotional last night, and we sat for a long time just being together. The pain and sense of loss was obvious and several times I just reached out and touched her or hugged her. When I spoke it was from my heart. I would NEVER had done that a few weeks ago, I would have been thinking about how that would effect her, how she would respond to it or not respond, what she would think if I just hugged her.

I can do it now because it is the person I know I want to be, her response to that is just that, her's.

BTW, I enjoyed the Habakkuk reference. Your own translation, or The Messege? Really inspirational from a book many see as containing only wrath and condemnation.

James;
Thanks, I am glad we are all getting to a place where we can stop walking as though the ice is about to break underneath us.

I don't know if we let our vows to each other fall to the bottom of the priorities, but they certainly were not at the top, and near the top is where they deserve to be.

I know I have relied for a long time on momentum to keep my marriage moving. "because it has been, it will be". For that I am deeply ashamed and sorry. Even though it was for all the right reasons, the result is what we face today.

Yes, and I wrote this on my other thread in piecing. I feel GOD is putting us through what he wants us to feel. I know he would not do anything to hurt us, but he needs to teach us all a life lesson. We have caused others pain and suffering, making them feel the way we do know. Unappreciated and unloved. Now the roles have reversed, and we are making ourselves into better people. He has a plan, and we have to follow it. As long as he is there, we don't have to worry. The end result will be within the changes we make in OUR lives.