Thanks, Just Me. I am listening to what you are saying, and I know you're right. It's just so hard when you're in the throws of all of this to not do all of the wrong things that feel so natural to do.
I had a horrible day today, but you asked me to not talk about H for a day or two, so I'll tell more about it later. But suffice it to say that he told me today that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I was able to convince him to at least be friends for a while and stay married and see if anything can develop again at a later point, which (for now at least) he agreed to do - probably just to shut me up. I've been literally hysterical most of the night with anger, fear, frustration, guilt - you name it. So... I'll tell you more about that in a few days.
For now, I guess this has finally brought me to the point where I needed to be all along. My only shot at this is to just back off again, go back to Db'ing and bettering myself (as I did when he was gone the first time), and pray that it will somehow work out in the end. Once I started doing a better job of Db'ing before, things started to improve with us, little by little. Now we've taken a huge backslide, so I must go back to doing what I was doing before. More on that later I suppose.
So, I'm not really in the right frame of mind right now to feel like expressing all of the wonderful things I'm going to do to GAL (please understand). My heart is ripping out of my chest right now - I guess that's just what I need to go through at this particular time. This is what it was like when I first found out about the A, so it's almost like starting all over again. I feel like that if I can just hold out and DB and be the kind of person he wants to be around that hopefully the A will die its own death and he will wake up.
So, I know you don't want to hear about H today, and I'm not really in the mood to be spunky and talk about all of the good things I know I need to do, but I just wanted to check in and say thank you for listening and that I know you're right. Keep kicking me in the right direction. I want to make this work, so please help me to be strong...
