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I couldn't do it. I really couldn't.

I wonder what forgiveness really means?
How does your W feel on this same topic? Does she want intimacy or does she feel obligated to try?
TL, ?

You told me once that we can control and choose our feelings. You've told me that love is a choice. Why haven't you made that choice? Why do you choose to feel anger about the past?

I don't think you can clearly know God's command, unless you've been talking to burning bushes lately. I don't think the bible makes any such distinction about loving someone but not feeling anything for them.(I do think God is clear in the Bible about loving others as ourselves. I can't and won't argue theology with you though.) What's keeping you from feeling for her? Anger, pride? I've read that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. We'll never forget. We'll always have some pain. Forgive means to give up a debt. It means you no longer feel she Owes you or has to make anything up to you.

One book or article I read said that forgiveness is next to impossible. It suggested that in order to forgive, we need some form of payment. It suggested working out a 'payment' plan that both parties could accept. Just an idea. I don't know if it's a good one.

What kind of pain is your W in now? Is she doubting the choices she made? Is it worth it to her to live with the guilt she feels, let alone what you put on her? Does she love you? Are you both suffering but staying together because you believe it's the right thing to do? I think it is the right thing to do, FWIW.

But you don't have to be misearable (maybe you do for a while, until the emotions process and the pain dims?). You both can try and work on the R and make it less miserable, and then maybe even get to where you can enjoy it. Who knows, maybe you'll feel for her again.

TL, don't settle for this sitch you're in now, at lest not in the long run. You've gotten me through the early, really rough stages of my sitch. I have a vested interest in seeing you succeed 100%. Hey,I hope I haven't offended you, or if I have, I hope it causes you to feel or think something that helps you in this sitch, even if it has nothing to do with what I've said.

I'm rooting for you TL, and praying for you too.

I'm pretty well past that. I don't put that stuff on her. I treat her very, very well. It's just that while I'm doing it, I'm very conflicted. On the one hand I want to be close to her because she is my wife. On the other hand, I'm repulsed by what she's done and the consequences of that. I could never, and would never, stoop as low as she did. I mean, this isn't like it was a one night stand that she felt bad about, begged forgiveness, and promised to never do it again.

If by succeed 100% you mean things being as good now as it was ever possible for them to be, then no, I don't believe that is possible. That doesn't mean I'm miserable. Far from it. I was miserable this time last year. Now I'm just sad, and somewhat alienated.

The only form of love in the Bible that has really anything to do with our feelings is "eros", sexual attraction. The other words refer to our character in terms of friendship and commitments.

Whether I ever feel good about my wife again, whether she ever feels attracted to me again, while certainly desirable, is irrelevant in terms of my love for her. I committed myself to being her husband no matter what. We have two sons who depend upon us not just for their physical needs but, really, everything.

She tells me she loves me...but what does that mean? She told the OM she loved him, too. All this proves is that words are simply tools for manipulation as far as she's concerned, because the actions really weren't there to back that up (either between her and OM, or between her and me).

In the end, I have her, and she seems to have turned over a new leaf. I don't hold the past against her. But neither do I feel all great about trudging into the future with someone who cannot be relied upon.

Since I've been there (long ago), I can tell you that that feeling of questioning reliability does pass. It can take a long time. I'd say that after about 5 years post-affair, I did feel I could "rely" on my husband.

That probably doesn't help right now, but feelings can and do change. I have great respect for you and others who make parenting and raising their own kids a top priority. Hang in there buddy.

I hear ya, root.

Maybe I'm missing something, but while I don't "feel" all that enthused about my wife right now, I can't see ever trusting her again even if I wanted to.

What I mean by that is really being close, trusting her with myself. Can't see it happening even though I'd like to be close to someone again. It just can't be her.

I can forgive her; I can care for and love her. But I don't think I can live as though she's trustworthy for the same reason we might let a spy out of jail but we'll never trust him with classified info again.

I think that's how my H feels, he did tell me he is still afraid, afraid to trust, to put himself out there again, I wonder if this is how you feel, that if you totally trust her again she might hurt you again.

imLin's post tells of her H, that after 3yrs he was finally able to tell her ILY, so it prob takes this long. Maybe becasue you guys (men) internalize so much, it takes you so much longer to process hurt, that you remain distrustful for years.
I want to say i'm being to my H, that I try my best to be a good loving wife, yet my H can't say he loves me, he is still afraid to do so.

How long can I stand that? I dont' know, I will give until I can't anymore I guess. For the time beign I feel loved and cared for, so that will have to suffice for now. Last year this time he was light years from me emotionally. And now he is next to me, gives me affection and wants me to be w/th him, we've come very far.

Hey, you



Well I'm pretty well there, too, I guess, except I don't feel anything or maybe feel too much of everything all at once.

I really don't know where any of this is going to lead and I'm just kidding myself if I think I do. Bottom line is, I'm committed, come what may.

hey TL, I guess we both at a new Everest, totally unknown to us, we can't see ahead, too foggy to make out what is coming up next. We have to live by faith, by His grace.
The apostol Paul did say that God, who started the good work in us, will be there to finish it.

Dude.

What has been broken can never be UNbroken, but man, you are as close to it as anyone here (from my limited window into your life). It pains me that you have a situation I crave, and you are still unsatisfied on a deep level. I don't mean to condemn you, I am just concerned by it (for myself and you)

And it adds the perspective that perhaps my situation is far better than some others on the board and I am unsatisfied as well.

Posting this more for myself I imagine. But it's food for thought.

Well, things have degenerated a bit.

We've pretty much stopped the affection altogether, much less ML. Right now we're just roommates. We still get along well.

I can see how/where this is going. I've gotten to where I prefer to be with friends, or at work. I'm not looking to cheat, and wouldn't, but it's amazing to me how much more enthused I get over a little attention from other women. I can see why people go that route...even if it's wrong. It IS addictive.

But, I'm still Spock. That's course of behavior is not logical, captain.

At least I'm kicking butt at work. That's fun. Doing some of the best work of my life.