Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again WAW may want to come back

Heyya ddc

I think it comes down to a set program in your brain. for years it was programed to "get wife back get wife back" that file needs to be deleted from your brain.

she is trying to reclaim what she thinks is still "Hers" before she loses it for good. to me, this is just another attempt to keep you riding her roller coaster. she is saying, "ok, i'm ready to act married" and you're supposed to jump.

ack, I'd think long and hard on this. if you don't want to close the door on this just yet, let her chase. you owe her nothing.

Well it has been a very emotional night, I think I might have slept for an hour.

I had a two hour conversation with the ex last night that lasted until midnight. I had to get clarifiaction on this maybe in 1 or 6 month statement.

She said she didn't really know what that ment, she was not using me as a back up plan but rather she wasn't sure if she could trust me again.

Her major complaint was the lack of quality time I spent with her and my D and how I never had her back or supported her when she would get into arguments with her family (this is another story all to its self)

I came right out and told her love is a choice, if you still have loving feelings for me you need to make me show you you can trust me again. There wasn't going to be any bell going off telling you hey its ok to get vulnerable now.

We spent the better part of an hour talking about changes we needed to make. For the first time she said she was sorry for all the pain she put me through and that I truly was a great person.
When she was in her fog she says she was in so much pain she just needed out. I neglected her for so long she was numb.

I asked her what was it that changed her mind about me, she told me she saw changes in me that were real. I spent quality time with my D, I always talked to my ex with dignity and respect and I was always there for her when she needed something.

We discussed how we both need to meet each others emotional needs and I insisted on counseling. She wasn't so sure we need that but I told her even though I have grown a lot and realize how I have hurt her, I need a safe placed to vent my hurt as we grow back together.

She said she wants to take this slowly and ease into it, she needs to feel safe again with me. I said no problem, just let me show you the path to a great relationship and I won't fail you.

We both agreed to cut ties with all current and old b/g friends and dedicate our full energy to us.

I am excited, yet scared about this new relationship. It is what I wanted for so long and I never doubted we had a chance to re-kindle what we had. I beleive in my heart we will be fine but have a lot of hard work ahead of us

I went over my exW house last night after my D went to bed, we ended up watching Borat which just came out on DVD. She had never seen the movie, I swear it gets funnier every time you watch it. We had great time laughing and cuddling on the couch.
She keeps telling me to slow down as we are only in the dating stage. She has known me for close to 20 yrs, I think we a little bit past the dating stage.
But I guess in her mind this is taking her by surprise.
I see my self falling back onto back habits, like expecting to much to soon and pursuing.

How does one go about piecing a relationship back?
Do I act like she is still a WAW?

It was nice to see the look in her eyes and the smile on her face that reminded me of the old her. I do beleive she went through an early MLC at age 35.
I never understood we people would say there alien has returned from the mother ship but now I know. They are a completely different person.

I feel very lucky to be in this stich right now, I just hope I can have patience and not blow it again.

Not alot of experiance with this, but I do this it is like a new relationship, and it will be dating again.
You have both changed and so its like being with someone new, I would act like this is someone new and do like you would dating someone new.
You don't go into a new relationship with huge expectations, and that has to be the case now, take it slow and see what happens.

Limbo, my C told me the same thing on Thurs., do not have any expectations and go slow. This is not a race as you are trying to build a solid foundation for the next 30 years, look at the big picture. When he said that it kind of made sense.
I still keep thinking, I know we have both changed but we have known each other for 20 years, this can't be like dating someone you just met. But I guess apparently that is the stance I need to take or I will push her away.

I took my ex and our D out to dinner last night and had a really nice time. I asked my ex if she wanted to hang out after our D went to bed and she said maybe. After D was in bed around 9:30 she called and said I could come over for an hour as she has to work in the AM.
We watched a little TV and talked about some old co-workers trying to play catch up. She then says she wants to make sure we are on the same page with where this is going. She is just getting her feet on the ground and is able to breathe for the first time in a very long time. She feels like I am putting pressure on her to be in a boyfriend/girlfriend exclusive relationship and that is not what she is ready for. I didn't think I was sending that message but even my C says it seems I am a "accelerator to the floor person".
She loves everyhting I am going for her, the phone calls during the day to see how she is doing, the compliments, flowers, taking an interest in her life.

She feels guilty that she can't return those same gestures to me right now. My C told me not to expect anything from her right know as this is not about me ,you would think after 3 years it would be my turn in the rotation!
So when she hit me with that I was prepared, the old me would have demanded she try, the new me validated and told her everything I am doing is uncondtional love, I expect nothing in return.
If I am doing something that you feel like its too much she needs to not feel bad about telling me, I will understand.

She did agree to come to my next C session to help me understand where she is coming from (this was a sug my C made)

I am trying to find some positive things out of all of this.

While she makes no promises about what might happen, she does want to be in my company
She enjoys the attention I am giving her
She is holding me and kissing
She sees big changes in me

I want to just ask her why she does not want to commit a 100%.

My C says to keep doing what I would do for anybody else that I was dating, if she says its too much then back it off a little.
I almost feel like going dark again so she can miss me.

So confusing

Just journaling to keep my sanity.

The past coupld of nights have been tough. I think about those words, "I just want to make sure we are on the same page, I just want to date, I'm not ready for a serious relationship or re-marriage right now. I'm feeling pressure from you and it is going to push me to not seeing you" "I don't want to hurt your feelings if this doesn't work"


I broke off a serious relationship to give this a try, I guess I was hoping for more of a commitment from her.

I remember from DB that you shouldn't beleive anything they say, so is this her way of dipping her toe into the water?

As of a couple of weeks ago she wasn't in my life at all (other than when we had functions with my D), so if this doesn't work I guess I have lost nothing. I can feel that pain in my heart already starting if she breaks up with me again, I think it would a lot tougher to move on the second time. It would feel like I wasted 3 years of working on getting my PMA back and having it destroyed once more.

Has anybody been down this road with a spouse that wants to come back but won't commit?

ddc,

Thanks for posting. I am quite interested in how your situation plays out. I would agree with Limbo, take it slow and protect yourself.

HL

A few days ago the exW told she liked the way my clothes smell, I told her you need to use the Downey ball in the wash. Well she went over the weekend and bought one so she sent me a text yesterday AM saying she used on Sunday and all her clothes smell so good. I sent a text back saying "I can't wait to smell you"
She replied with "SWEET!" She been very receptive to flirting lately, mostly initiated by me but she doesn't seem to mind so I will continue.
She is leaving for Las Vegas tommorrow with some friends for 5 days so she sent another text saying "how about u come over 2moro nite (tues). I can give u all of D stuff 2. I have a lot 2 do today and 2 tonite" Can't read too much into whether she wants to spend time with me or just go over my D school sch while she is gone. I will act As If she wants to see me.

I decided I was going to surprise her with a massage at the hotel spa in LV. I am going to give her a "Thinking of you" card in a sealed envelope which will say "Do Not Open until you are in the hotel" Inside the card I put a note saying "Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. You're my someone special" Go to the Spa in the hotel to see what something special is waiting for you. Enjoy!"

I spoke to a few of my female friends who all agreed this was a good move and wouldn't be construed as pressure.

Will see what her response is on Weds.

Its funny how speking a few females to get the opinion on how my exW is thinking makes you feel better. They all agree she needs to be cautious because the truly does not know what she wants and does not want to hurt me again. But they all agree keep casual and don't let her feel any pressure and you will be fine.

ddc,
I will have to agree totally with what others have told you. You need to move very S-L-O-W-L-Y. She needs to know (within herself) that the changes you have made are permanent. .. And then once she "decides" than, it (almost) needs to be her idea to move forward, in order for her not to feel pressured.

On your LV gift .. I am questioning that. It IS a wonderful idea .. but are you sure that she is not going to feel "pressured" by this? It does sound like you two are still pretty new in working on your R. This might be a bit overboard at this time .. ?

Just thought I might give you my opinion .. for whatever it's worth. Thanks for your input on this mornings threads!

ddc,
I read more of your thread and I am really questioning your planned LV gift now. There are other guys (that I've read) on this piecing forum that have been through somewhat similar circumstances. If my memory serves me correctly .. they truly had to take it very slow.

Of course this is totally your decision and you know your W best..

Just be careful.

Maybe (Sven?) or one of those guys will pipe in here and give you their opinion(s)?